Remember breakfast? It was that meal you used to eat before lunch, back before you were an enormous mass of human flesh who consumed food twenty four hours a day. Well, we here at Crazy Cow certainly remember breakfast. And our favorite part about breakfast was always the cereal isle at the grocery store. What a sensory overload it was to see all those brightly colored characters enticing us to indulge in their sugar coated goodness. But those characters had their dark sides to be sure, and rather than let those dark sides remain undiscovered, Crazy Cow has gone so far as to dig up all the dirt on your favorite cereal mascots! Just scroll down to your favorite mascot and check out his bio for the real scoop on these once respected figures of advertisement. Pour milk on your computer screen and enjoy!
Sonny the Cuckoo Bird
- If there's any proof that chocolate cereal is just legal crack, Sonny
the Cuckoo Bird is it. Sonny is the stereotypical drug fiend, lagging about
in a apathetic world until he gets his hands on some Coaco Puffs. Once
that happens, look out! Ol' Sonny gets tripped out like nothing you ever
saw! His familiar slogan, "I'm Cuckoo for Coaco Puffs" just amplifies the
already evident addiction this poor bird has inflicted upon himself. Let's
hope he's cuckoo for a rehab program soon!
Sugar Bear - I've
always liked Sugar Bear. Here we have a fellow who is in some desperate
need of anger management classes. Whenever a fellow woodland creature came
his way looking to try some Sugar Crisp, ol' Sugar Bear would proceed to
unmercifully pound the living shit out of them. Currently, Sugar Bear is
serving a five year prison term for battering his homosexual lover, Winnie
the Pooh.
The Trix Rabbit
- Jesus Christ! For years upon years this guy has kept up his schtick of
trying to get a bowl of Trix from the neighborhood kids. Here's a tip you
silly rabbit, bite the little bastards! I know rabbits can get plenty vicious
when provoked, so the pathetic display exhibited by the Trix rabbit is
absolutely pathetic. Another idea, why not head to Bedrock and try for
some Fruity Pebbles? Those disguises of yours may not fool the kids, but
old Fred Flintstone hasn't held onto a bowl of his cereal in decades.
Lucky the Leprechaun
- One word; Pedophile! Like we all don't know what "me magical lucky charms"
alludes to. No Lucky, I don't want to see your lucky pot o' gold, I don't
want to touch your magic clover, and you can keep your lucky star away
from me! The recent addition of rainbows to the marshmallow mix would seem
to imply that Lucky has come out of the closet, but I'm still uneasy about
him getting little boys to chase him around.
Quick Rabbit - The
Quick Rabbit didn't come onto the cereal scene until recently when it became
evident that the Trix Rabbit would forever queer the image of rabbit cereal
mascots if someone didn't do something about it. Quickie has tried to pursuade
Mr. Trix into a pay-per-view battle to the death but so far no word has
been given from the Trix Rabit's P.R. people.
Snap,
Crackle, and Pop - Come on now! Three oddly dressed men living together
in a cereal box, who make noise when you pour milk on them? Kellogg's had
the boys nuetered several years back, but take a look at this early picture
of S, C & P. Just try and tell me those three weren't about to play
a game of 'Ookie Cookie' with a bowl of cereal!
Cookie
Crook, Cookie Cop, and Chip - A lot of people wonder, "What the hell
ever happened to the Cookie Crook?" Sadly, after trying to steal cookies
from the wrong guys, Cookie Crook was mauled, beaten, and ultimately sacrificed
to the nature gods by a group of rabid Keebler Elves. As for the Cookie
Cop, after the death of the crook, he left the force and became a monk.
He can currently be found in an unknown mountain range, praying for the
soul of his departed nemesis. As for Chip the cookie dog, he's still around
peddling Cookie Crisp, but bear in mind that the endorsement of a food
product by a creature who licks his own genitals is no endorsement at all.
Crazy Cow
- Here's a copyright violation I actually wasn't aware of! Apparently this
cereal existed at some time or another. After going sane, Crazy Cow retired
to the Cereal Castle with other such obsolete mascots as Fruit Brute and
the other two Cinnamon Toast Crunch bakers.
All characters, images, and brand names are Copyright © 2000 their original owners. The bizarre text is Copyright © 2000 Crazy Cow.