The Internet is a useful thing. You can learn a lot from it. You don’t even have to go out looking for useful information, oh no. All you have to do is start an e-mail account, give your address to all your friends, and wait for the e-mail forwards to come rolling in. This is what I did, and look at what I’ve learned!
Did you know that there is a friendship angel? There is. She likes to play tag. So does her friend the blue man. If they tag you it means you are a true friend. If you send the friendship angel and the blue man to 20 people and they all send them back to you, it means they are true friends too.
Did you know there is asbestos in tampons? There is. It’s all part of an evil plot by Always to make women bleed longer so they will buy more tampons. Every year Always ups the asbestos content. They plan to make women bleed for longer and longer periods of time, until women are eventually bleeding non-stop. They are doing this over a long period of time, so you won’t notice what’s happening until it’s too late. You should write to Always and complain. You should send this e-mail to all of your female friends so they can write and complain too.
Oh, and you should watch out for people who want to harvest your kidneys, hypodermic needles on movie theater seats, gang initiations, aluminum in deoderant, and cockroach eggs in envelope glue, too.
Did you know that there are kids who have cancer? Yes, actual kids. With real cancer. I know, it’s unbelievable. Stay with me here. Did you know that you can help these kids with cancer? Yes, you can! And you don’t even have to get up off your chair. You just have to take three seconds of your time and forward all the kids with cancer e-mails to all your friends. Then something magical will happen. Sometimes Bill Gates agrees to send money to these kids for every e-mail forwarded. Sometimes the kids themselves are keeping track of how many times the e-mail was forwarded. If the e-mail gets forwarded enough times, the kids will be so happy they will be miraculously healed. Really! So just send those e-mails, so you can say you helped miraculously heal a cancer-ridden little kid.
Did you know that if you get an e-mail saying you will have bad luck if you don’t forward it to all your friends in the next 5 minutes, and you don’t listen, you WILL have bad luck? Well, you will. Terrible, horrible, bad luck. This is scientifically proven. Yes, by scientists. In Atlanta. See, since I know where the scientists live, that means I can’t be making it up.
Did you know that a poem loses all meaning when you read it over a hundred times? Yes, it does. Even those lovely friendship poems that people e-mail to their 500 closest friends. Even a poem by Maya Angelou. It is always nice to receive these poems, though, because it makes you realize how much your friend loves you. You and the 499 other people she sent it to. It almost convinces you that, yes, even though she never sends you a personalized e-mail, she cares about you enough to add you to her mailing list. Sigh. True friendship is a wonderful thing.
Now send this to your friends. All of them. Right now. Because if you don’t, you will have bad luck for the next seven years. You will sit on an HIV-infected needle at a movie theater. You will purchase a bad box of tampons that will cause you to bleed non-stop. You will lick an envelope that is encrusted with roach eggs and they will hatch inside of you. The friendship angel will not play tag with you. The blue man will shun you. But worst of all, you will be added to the e-mail address books of every single person you know, and these people will send you e-mail forwards all day, every day, over and over. It is a fate worse than death. It is a living hell. It could happen to you.
