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Ecclectic Bits of Wisdom
Shin (n): a device for finding furniture in the dark.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future...laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is watching until you make a mistake.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagarism - to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If you have to choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and her money are soon...partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except for the ones that are someone else's fault.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those self-righteous, censorious people around me.
I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
I am at one with my duality.
Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute...I'll find someone.
BUMPER STICKERS
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
T-SHIRT SAYINGS
Filthy Stinking Rich...Well, two out of three ain't bad.
Husband and Cat Lost - Reward for Cat.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
My hair is this color because I ate paint chips as a child.
I hear voices and they don't like you.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
HEADLINES WITH UNINTENDED DOUBLE MEANINGS
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Iraqui Head Seeks Arms
Panda Makting Fails; Veteranarian Takes Over
Clinton Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
Red Tape Holds up New Bridges
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
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