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Jokes About Religion
(oh geez, look what you've started!)
*Note: this page may contain stuff that is offensive to some people. If you're going to get pissed off, don't read it!
THE IDEOLOGY AND RELIGION SHIT LIST
Altruism: Let me give you my shit.
Americanism: Who gives a shit?
Amishism: Shit dost occur.
Angelicanism: Our shit doesn't stink.
Aristotlism: Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again resumes its original shape.
Atheism: There is no shit.
Atheism 2: I don't believe this shit.
Baptism: You are shitting wrong, therefore you will be punished.
Baptist Fundamentalism: Shit happens because the Bible says so.
Catholicism: Shit happens to you because you are BAD.
Communism: Everyone's shit is everyone else's shit.
Computerism: Why won't this damn shit work? (amen!)
Creationism: And the Lord said, "Let there be shit!"
Energizer Bunnyism: Shit happens...and happens...and happens...
Feminism: Men are shit.
Lutheranism: Catholicism is shit.
Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit, wins.
McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, a shit?
Neil Armstrongism: One small shit for man, one giant heap for mankind!
Netscapism: Bill Gates stole our shit.
Occultism: We eat our own shit.
Trippism: Tell me more shit, Monica.
IF RELIGION DEALT WITH TOYS
Catholicism: He who denys himself the most toys, wins.
Angelicanism: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
Communism: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and we'll kill you if we catch you selling yours.
Amishism: Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Mormonism: Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Hedonism: To heck with the rule book. Let's play!
Jehovah's Witness: He who sells the most toys door to door, wins.
Existentialism: Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped into water, it is no longer dry.
* * * * *
A preacher was completeing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it all and throw it into the river." With even greater expression he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" He sat down.
The song leader then stood up and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River".
* * * * *
An Amish boy and his father take a trip to the mall one day. They are sitting on a bench in front of an elevator enjoying a Coke when a very old lady walks up to the elvator, presses a button, and hobbles slowly into a small room. The Amish boy and his father watch in awe as the silver doors close, and the numbers above the elevator light up one by one first upwards, then downwards. Then, they watch as the amazing doors slide open and a beautiful young blond emerges from the little room.
The boy's father jumps up, pulls his son to his feet and yells, "Go get your mother!!"
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