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The Best Of Lawyer Jokes
Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 100 laywers were taken hostage.
The terrorist leader anncounced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
* * * * *
A defending attorney was cross-examing a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney continued his cross-examination and says, "So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, fed up with the brow-beating, says, "Well, let me put it this way, counselor. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk... but for all I know, he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
* * * * *
A man pulls into a friend's driveway and sees that his friend's car is a total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?!"
"Well," his friend replies, "I ran over a lawyer."
"Ok," says the man, "that explains the blood... but what about all the other debris?"
His friend replies, "Well, I had to chase him through the park first."
* * * * *
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates for admittance into Heaven. St. Peter looks down at his list and then says, "I'm sorry, your name isn't on my list. You'll have to leave."
The puzzled engineer agrees and walks away. He goes down to Hell and is let through the gate without question.
The engineer is not impressed with the conditions in Hell. So, he starts to make some improvements in the design: air conditioning, reservoirs of water, escalators and the like. Soon, Hell is looking more like a deluxe shopping mall than the afterlife.
God had been noticing these changes in Hell. The condition of Heaven was slowly deteriorating and God knew that the engineer could be of a lot of use to Him. So He asks St. Peter why the engineer is in Hell instead of in Heaven. St. Peter shrugs and tells God that his name was not on the list.
So God picks up the phone and dials Satan's number. When Satam answers the phone, God says, "I protest the presence of the engineer in your domain and I hereby claim him for Heaven on the basis that a mistake was made in the admittance list. If you give me any trouble, I'll press charges!"
Satan laughs and says, "And where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?"
* * * * *
Q: How many lawyer does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
* * * * *
For three years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out I was pregnant, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a laywer."
* * * * *
After having died, a lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and asked, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer, "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"
Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
* * * * *
The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was written by a lawyer. - Will Rogers
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A judge is a law student who marks his own papers. - H.L. Mencken
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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
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There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justified, and praiseworthy. - Ambrose Bierce
* * * * *
Lawyers are permitted to park in handicap areas provided they display their bar credentials on the dashboard of their car.
* * * * *
A man sat down at a bar, Looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he'd had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - why do you keep looking into your pocket?"
The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."
* * * * *
Major US newspapers published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding, Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
* * * * *
A law school professor said to a graduating class, "Three years ago, when asked a legal question, you could answerm in all honesty, "I don't know." Now you can say with great authority, "It depends."
* * * * *
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
* * * * *
A very respectable lawyer was filing some insurance papers when he came to the question, "If your father is dead, state the cause." Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the lawyer answered the question in this way: "He died while taking part in a public ceremony when the platform gave way."
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Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers. - Erik Pepke
* * * * *
Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable that you had never felt better in your life?
Farmer: That's right.
Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming that you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?
Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought that under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.
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A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry, you'll never go to jail with all that money." The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
* * * * *
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.
"How's business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for 20 miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging onto the bumper."
* * * * *
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
* * * * *
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