Craig: I do need you to go get those photos of Ruby and me.
Simon: Once again, you're asking me to break into Lucinda's house?
Craig: No, no, no. They're not in the house. They're in the guesthouse. My son has them in the guesthouse. Nothing can stop my marriage to Barbara Ryan.
Simon: No, thanks.
Craig: I beg your pardon?
Simon: I said no.
Craig: Why not?
Simon: Lucinda just caught me there with Ruby and nearly called the cops.
Craig: So nearly. She's warming up to you.
Simon: No, no. Listen, I told you the first time, I cannot afford to get involved in anything illegal like a breaking and entering.
Craig: You can't afford to get caught, and you cannot afford to refuse this offer.
Simon: All right. So you're offering me some kind of insurance?
Craig: I offered you my home in exchange for certain services, and if you find that you are unable to perform these services, then --
Simon: What, you'd toss your own sister out into the street?
Craig: I've done that before.
Simon: Oh, you reek of family loyalty.
Craig: You will get the photos or you can pack your rucksack and Katie and check out of the Lakeview.
Simon: Fine.

Craig: Simon, Simon -- I'm -- look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to strong-arm you, really, it's just this on-again, off-again wedding -- it's finally on again, and those photographs would ruin everything.
Simon: Then you ought to be more discriminating about who you get naked with.
Craig: Hey, she was naked. I was set up. If the photographs were real, I could understand, but I am the injured party here.
Simon: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're such a victim.
Craig: I am being betrayed by my son and Lucinda Walsh, huh? You and I are doing the right thing here.
Simon: Look, if everyone is so dead-set against this marriage --
Craig: There's no turning back now, Simon. This marriage is the crux of a much, much larger situation.
Simon: Oh, sounds romantic. So what's the situation?
Craig: Well, Simon, I have 60 days to repay a small fortune, and with my bride-to-be's assistance, I can do that easily. I can repay my son's trust fund, and what's more, I can repay Lucinda Walsh for every insult, every dirty trick, every power play she has ever pulled. hmm?
Simon: All right, I admit I like that part.
Craig: Yeah, and you gotta be there to enjoy it with me, and what is more, you can come away with this -- with more money than you can possibly dream of.

Craig: Ruby is staying with Lucinda, isn't she?
Simon: Yeah.
Craig: She invites you in, you're a guest. You walk in, you get the photos, you walk out, and you bring them to me.
Simon: All right. Here's something for you then -- why don't you get Ruby to do it herself? She's already there. She's on the inside.
Craig: If Lucinda even suspects that Ruby is helping me, she will run Ruby out of town on a rail. No, we need Ruby inside long enough to gain her trust, then we got somebody on the inside to pass us information later. No, right now, Ruby has to be above suspicion. Later on she could be the key to getting everything we want.
Simon: Hey, look. Listen, enough about what we want. What am I gonna get out of this?
Craig: Well, how would you like to leave Oakdale with as much cash as your heart desires, huh?
Simon: Now, that sounds pretty good. Keep going.
Craig: Exactly. Big money, small chore, and as long as you have Ruby in your pocket --
Katie: Not Ruby again.
[ Door slams ] Simon, if I find you with that woman one more time, I swear to god, I will kill her.

Simon: Okay, settle down. Take a deep breath. There's no need to draw blood.
Katie: I'll be the judge of that.
Craig: We were discussing pressing business, Katie. Nothing diabolical.
Katie: Right. I bet you thought you lost me when you tore out of Lucinda's house like that.
Simon: Come on. I wasn't trying to lose you, Katie.
Katie: Oh, please.
Craig: I'm sure you two would like a little privacy. Why don't you take this tiff to the guest wing?
Katie: If we're having a tiff, it's because of you. What kind of job requires my husband to go off and grope that cheap cha-cha?
Craig: I don't see Simon complaining.
Katie: I'm complaining, and I'm your sister!
Craig: You always complain.
Simon: Katie, I'm just trying to get Ruby to think she can confide in me. That's it.
Katie: Oh, and this requires a full-body massage?
Simon: From time to time.
[ Craig laughs ]
Craig: Don't look at me. I'm not twisting his arm.
Katie: I would love to twist a few things in this place.
Simon: All right, great. See that? That is my cue to get out of here.
Katie: No, where do you think you're going?
Craig: As long as we're on the same page about that matter we discussed?
Katie: What matter?! I swear to you, if this matter includes rubbing up against that Ruby chick --
Simon: I'll take care of it.
Katie: Take care of what?!
Craig: I'll handle things here.
Katie: Simon, what are you doing?!
Craig: Settle down, settle down --
Katie: Craig, let -- don't -- get your hands off me!
Craig: And if you want to sulk, Katie, go sulk somewhere else. Have you forgotten you have a private entrance to your private area of the suite?
Katie: Oh, gee. I wouldn't want to walk in on you and your honeybun making some kind of middle-aged love. I might have to puke.
Craig: Jealous?
Katie: Of what? This upcoming marriage of yours is a complete joke.
Craig: Oh, you're a marriage expert now? You don't have a marriage. You have an arrangement.
Katie: Same as yours will be, except Barbara won't know it.
Craig: Stay out of it.
Katie: This is so typical of you. Everything in your life is a million times more important than anyone else's.
Craig: Katie, just -- let Simon do his work. Let the wedding go on peacefully, and everybody will be happy here.
Katie: You know what? I can be just as selfish as you, because I do have a marriage, no matter what you say. [Craig laughs] and I am gonna do whatever I have to to protect it. If that means keeping my husband from doing your stupid little orders, so be it. You brought this on yourself.
[Door slams.]

Al's Diner

Katie: Simon?
Simon: How do you do that? No matter where I go, every single time, you find me. You're unbelievable.
Katie: You make it sound like you're trying to hide from me, sweetie.
Simon: Well, sweetie, I know better than to try that.
Katie: I was sure I would find you stripping on the tabletops or making out with one of the waitresses.
Simon: I need a coffee fix first.
Katie: Very funny. Come on, you know you're gonna get a burger, so just put it down and talk to me.
Simon: If you wanna play, then you're really just gonna have to keep a lid on the whining. Okay?
Katie: I don't want to play with anyone, except you. I'm sick to death of watching people put their paws all over you.
Simon: Well, everyone, that is, except you.
Katie: Okay, you started working for my brother. And then I find you with that Ruby chick again. And to top it all off, you plant a big wet one on Lucinda Walsh -- god help us all -- right in front of your married ex-girlfriend. What are you, some kind of one-man orgy?
Simon: Listen, where I plant my lips, or anything else for that matter, is none of your concern.
Katie: How many women do you need?
Simon: Okay, all right. Okay, let me see. Hmm, number one, in the morning --
Katie: You are totally out of control, Simon. If you don't watch it, you're gonna end up in jail. And I'm not gonna be there to bail you out for the millionth time.
Simon: Speaking of being out of control, when in the world are you ever gonna realize that this is not a real marriage?
Katie: I'm not into labels either, okay? Call our marriage whatever you will, but I will not be treated like your doormat.
Simon: What do you want from me, huh? What -- no, all right, no. Don't don't answer that. What do you want? Because I've gotta tell you, I've been just about as civil and understanding as I can possibly be.
Katie: No, you have not. You're nicer to total strangers than you are to me. I am the only one who's been even attempting to adapt last few months. And I'm trying my hardest to understand that you need time to figure out your feelings for me.
Simon: Oh, come on. I know exactly how I feel about you.
Katie: But I am not gonna sit around like some idiot while you run around behind my back. Okay?
Simon: Seriously, seriously, you're the most exhausting human being I have ever met.
Katie: You're the one who's making me do these things. I am sweet. I can be very sweet if you would just treat me the way I want to be treated.
Simon: You're behaving like a spoiled kid. That is the way you're gonna be treated.
Katie: Well you're making me this way, you and that Ruby chick.
Simon: Listen. Number one, you have absolutely nothing to worry about with Ruby, okay?
Katie: Since when b?
Simon: Since the job that I'm doing for your brother is almost over with. It's finished, almost. And number two, what I do and who I do it with, for the millionth time, is none of your business.
Katie: Okay, so in other words, you're finishing up with Ruby, and now you're setting your sights on Lily again. Is that's what you're saying?
Simon: Is that what this is all about?
Katie: Oh, please.
Simon: Oh, yes, it is. When you ran into Lily over at Lucinda's house, I saw that way that you looked at her.
Katie: I wasn't expecting to see her there.
Simon: And then you flew into a flying rage. And it wasn't because of Ruby. It was Lily.

Katie: I am so not concerned about Lily Snyder.
Simon: Yeah, right. I think your jaw was hanging down to about, uh -- about here.
Katie: It was not! I just wasn't aware that you were so into her still.
Simon: I'm not!
Katie: Could've fooled me. I bust into the Walsh estate, ready to teach your little foreign exchange student a lesson or two, and what do I see? You and Lily looking oh-so-longingly at each other.
Simon: We were doing nothing -- you know what? I so don't have to explain it to you. Forget it!
Katie: Just admit it that you still have feelings for her.
Simon: Lily is back with her husband, Holden again, okay?
Katie: That doesn't answer my question.
Simon: The answer is no. I was there with Ruby. Lily came in search of Lucinda. That is the end of the story.
Katie: You expect me to believe that?
Simon: Lily found out the truth today, about my past, about the con games, the marriages, everything I've done.
Katie: Everything everything?
Simon: Well, enough for her to probably hate me. So yeah, I think I've heard the last of Lily Snyder.
Katie: Well, don't bet on it.
Simon: You know, I would really love to hang around, but apparently, according to you, I've got women to conquer, lips to kiss.
Katie: You're going to see Ruby after everything that I just said?
Simon: It's a job, Katie. It's a job -- a job that will put your brother in a position to pay me, and when he does, I am history.
Katie: Whatever Craig is asking you to do, just don't do it. Say no, Simon.
Simon: It's too late.
Katie: You don't understand the kind of person that you're dealing with, okay? He gets you to do all of his dirty work. That's what he does.
Simon: You're imagining things, Katie.
Katie: No, he gets you to do his bidding, he hangs you out to dry, and then he's untouchable. He's looking out for himself, Simon. Who is gonna look out for you?
Simon: I'm a big boy, Katie, and I've seen all types. I do not need protecting.
Katie: You do when you're dealing with Craig.
Simon: Oh, come on! You're talking about your brother!
Katie: Exactly why I'm in a position to talk about this. He is the king of broken promises. He asks for your help. He's nice and generous while he's dangling the carrot in front of your nose, but watch out for that stick.
Simon: I know you want me to stay in town, Katie, but you knew from the start that this situation was only temporary.
Katie: I'm not telling you this to keep you in town or broke.
Simon: Listen, if I don't do this for Craig, it's back to the garage for us. Tell me, is that what you really want?
Katie: If that's what'll keep you safe, yes.
Simon: What, so you mean you would actually trade in the beautiful, lush penthouse suite for the grease and the grime and the noise of the garage?
Katie: In a heartbeat.
Simon: Katie, I'm gonna be all right, okay?
Katie: You don't know who you're dealing with! He's gonna get you in trouble.
Simon: Okay, I promise that I will not do anything that's gonna get into more trouble than I can handle, okay?
Katie: You promise?
Simon: I promise. Now, whatever you do, don't follow me, okay? I'll call you later.
Katie: You forgot to kiss me good-bye.
Simon: No, I didn't.
Katie: silly man. He'll come around.

Katie: Oh, don't get out of bed, Simon. I found the menu. Just lie there. I am gonna get you the best breakfast in bed. Ooh, how do Belgian waffles sound?
Simon: Katie, did you do this?
Katie: You know, I was thinking that we could spend the morning together, 'cause Craig's gonna be out all day. Are you still mad? Is this about that fight we had about Lily?
Simon: Nope. I haven't given that a second thought.
Katie: Good. So did you really tell her about all your rich ex-wives?
Simon: Oh, Katie, please, enough.
Katie: Okay, fine, I might have tied your shoes together, but only because I don't want you working for Craig anymore.
Simon: Right, right. And why is that again?
Katie: Do you know how many times he's been investigated by the police? There must be a reason. In fact, when I was working for him --
Simon: Look, save it, Katie. You're only worried that once Craig pays me, I'll leave Oakdale without a trace.
Katie: Okay, maybe, but that's not the only reason. Look at this. Genuine plastic. Craig gave this to me so we could buy new clothes for his insane wedding. So how about we go hit the store and see how much the credit limit is?
Simon: Have a nice day.
Katie: No, wait, wait, wait. Is this Ruby again? Please tell me it's not. If I had known that you had to seduce that woman for your job, I never would have -- you went to see her yesterday after you left me at Al's, huh?
Simon: Good-bye, Katie. And don't try and follow me, or else I'll leave Oakdale sooner rather than later.
Katie: Good riddance! Why won't he take me seriously? [ Katie sighs ] Henry? Hi, it's Katie. How are you? No, I don't need anything, just the pleasure of your company. Oh, come on. What else do you have to do with your life? Uh, Craig's letter of recommendation? Yes, actually, that's why I'm calling. I have it right here in front of me. Yeah. So why don't you come over to the Lakeview to Craig's suite? Okay. Toodle-oo. Oh, come on. All I need is one little signature. There's gotta be one here somewhere. Yes, thank you. Okay.

Katie: Not bad. "I take pleasure in recommending Henry Coleman -- " blah, blah, blah, yada, yada. "For his many outstanding qualities, including his tenacity --" when it comes to sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. "An ability to work well with others --" when you bribe him. "And an enthusiasm which is infectious --" so be sure to sterilize after he goes. [ Knock on door ] Henry, hi. You got here quick. You must want something.
Henry: I must say, I'm stunned, Katie. You managed to worm your way back into big brother's cushy feathered nest after all.
Katie: And the bathroom has a Jacuzzi in it.
[ In an excited voice ]
Henry: Really? Let's try it out.
Katie: Oh, don't be insane! And please, promise never to threaten to undress in front of me again.
Henry: Well, okay, all right. Why don't you order me room service then? I'm starved.
Katie: Why don't you call yourself? I'm not your maid. And don't order too much.
Henry: Ooh, selfish, selfish, selfish. Hello, room service? Hi, yes. I'd like a caesar salad, dressing on the side, and also a martini, very dry. Actually, make that an apple martini. It's not quite noon. Pectin, it's good for you. All right, thanks. Well, Katie, it seems like you're back on top again. Now, where's that letter of recommendation? "An enthusiasm which is infectious"? Well, I guess I do have a sort of let-them-eat-cake insouciance, don't I? Still, this is awfully effusive for Craig, considering how he fired me.
Katie: Well, I guess he just remembered all your good qualities. So, now that I did you that huge favor --
Henry: Uh, uh, uh. Not so fast, babycakes. This letter of recommendation was only part of the payment. You still owe me the $500 that we gave to the doctor to help fake your pregnancy.
Katie: Which I have not forgotten. I just need you to help me stop Simon from leaving town.
Henry: Still?! Why, Katie?! He's a ruthless cad. Come on.
Katie: Who is wanting to change, and I can be the woman he changes for.
Henry: You know, there's a word people like you. It's "delusional." Or have I told you that before?
Katie: Oh, please, Henry. You've done it before. You can do it again.
Henry: Well, look, you know Simon better than I do. Just find out whatever gets to him, huh?
Katie: Like what? He wants to leave town right now. The only thing that even made a blip on his radar was seeing Lily yesterday.
Henry: yes, Lily Snyder, your arch nemesis. She didn't have any problem keeping him around, did she? So, I guess the question we have to ask ourselves is, what does she have that you don't?

Java Underground

Simon: [ on the phone ] Ruby, I need to see you. I can't stop thinking about you, and if I don't see you soon -- well, I don't even want to think about it, so call me when you get this message. I'll be waiting.
Jake: Look, Isaac, I gotta run, okay?
Isaac: Already?
Jake: Well, I have to follow up on a lead.
Isaac: Is this about Curtis' father?
Jake: No, that ship has already sailed. Now I'm onto the -- "the case of the missing butler."
Simon: Isaac, how are things?
Isaac: Pretty much the same as when you left. How are things with you in Montgomeryland?
Simon: Well, I have to admit, a couple of red flags have flown up since I started working for Craig.
Isaac: Mm-hmm. What did I tell you?
Simon: If you got some time, I'm really interested in some full disclosure about my big, bad brother-in-law.
Isaac: Have a sit-down.
Simon: Great, great.
Isaac: It's a long story.

Isaac: It's like this. I hate the guy, but if it wasn't for Craig, I wouldn't have this place. He staked me when nobody else would. The problem was what he wanted in return.
Simon: What, your firstborn?
Isaac: Pretty much. Now, I know my way around, but Craig has a funny way of not wanting to end a partnership, if you know what I'm saying. I barely got out by the skin of my teeth, Simon.
Simon: Thanks, I'll keep it in mind, but I'm not a guy who really plays by the books either, so we'll see.
Isaac: Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Simon: All right.

Craig's Suite

Katie: You're right. As long as Lily Snyder is still in his heart, it's like Simon has blinders on. Until he gets her out of his system completely, he'll never see the woman that's right in front of him that's been there all along, never wavering in her devotion to him.
Henry: Katie the stalwart. Katie the brave.
Katie: I just need to find a way to distract him from his pain. I tried the sex thing, but, except for that one time, he's just not interested. [ Henry chuckles ] what? He can't give his body without his heart.
Henry: Gumdrop, you have a lot to learn about men.
Katie: I've been a great wife. I've cooked for him and cleaned for him and done his laundry.
Henry: Have you thought about maybe changing your perfume, 'cause -- [ Henry sniffs ] you're wearing eau de hausfrau, and Simon, he has a yen for -- for yen. It's the scent of greenbacks that really s him on. That's why he's racked up all those wives and fiancés. Now, soft spot for Simon is any woman with a big, voluptuous bank account. So all you have to do is go make yourself a fortune, and he's all yours.

Katie: So it's really that simple, huh? I just need to be rich.
Henry: Well, you were wondering what Lily had that you didn't -- buckets of money. It's an age-old incentive.
Katie: Ooh, and just think, if I were rich, I'd be pulling all the strings, and Simon would find me irresistible. All right, where do I get all this money?
Henry: Well, I was about to consider robbing a bank, but then this lovely letter of recommendation fell into my lap. And now, I'm free to pursue gainful, legal employment. And as for you --
Katie: It's Simon. You gotta go out the back way! Just -- just slip out the back.
Simon: Why have you got that devilish look in your eye? What have you been up to?
Katie: Moi?
Simon: Yeah.
Katie: Nothing. Just enjoying all the perks that Craig's money has to offer. And I was thinking --
Simon: Ah, ah, ah. Ooh, don't do that.
Katie: I was thinking that maybe once Craig sees how happy you make me, he'll give us a little upgrade, maybe get us our own penthouse suite.
Simon: Ah, that'd be great if I was staying, but I'm not.
Katie: Even if you had your own penthouse suite? Come on, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You know how hard it is on the road.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
Simon: I'll wait. Don't hold that thought. Hello?
Lily: Simon?
Simon: Well, this is a surprise.
Lily: I need to see you. Please don't say no.

Lily:[ on the phone ] Simon, I need to see you. Please don't say no. I have some things that we need to clear up.
Simon: Where?
Lily: Somewhere we won't run into 100 people. The Old Mill? Half an hour?
Simon: I take it we won't be meeting there this time to run away together? Sure, I'll see you soon.

Katie: Okay, don't answer me. I know it was lily. I warned you, Simon. She found out about your exotic past, and now, she can't get you off her mind.
Simon: I'll see you later okay?
Katie: Don't go! Please? This isn't about me. It's about you. Lily Snyder will just break your heart all over again. Ever since she's been out of your life, you've been happy, you've been smiling, and I don't want you to lose that.
Simon: You know what I have to say to that? What I always say -- do not follow me, or I swear you'll regret it.
[ Door closes ]
Katie: If Lily thinks she can just grab him back now, she's got a big surprise coming.

Old Mill

Lily: Thanks for coming.
Simon: What's so important?
Lily: The truth. I have to understand what really happened between us.
Simon: Let it go. You made a mistake. Chalk it up to experience.
Lily: What would I have chalked it up to if I'd left my husband and my children? I almost abandoned them, and I have to understand why.
Simon: I don't know, boredom?
Lily: No, no, because you played games, Simon. Suddenly, my husband, the most important person in the world to me, wasn't enough. So I have to understand why you did it, how you did it, and where the truth ended and the lies began?
Simon: A long time ago, all right?! The truth never helped me much, so I started experimenting with other strategies. You know what I like the most about lies, Lily? You can take them everywhere, and I brought mine right here to sunny Oakdale.
Lily: I don't understand.
Simon: Oh, you don't understand. The "Beloved" letters, the "historic" letters that brought us together.
Lily: They weren't forgeries, because I had an antique dealer check them out.
Simon: The only thing that he could tell you was that they were old. He couldn't tell you that I bought them and read them over and over until I could recite them in my sleep.
Lily: What about your stories? The grandfather who meant so much to you, the diamond that was supposed to save your family home? Was that -- was that all a lie, too?
Simon: No, the diamond was real, but everything else, yeah. Yeah, it was made up or borrowed for your benefit.
Lily: You knew about me before we met.
Simon: I found out about the diamond in Australia, researched it and came up with the Carpenter family name. From there, I managed to dig up that old picture and eventually made the connection to you.
Lily: Why? Why did you do it, Simon?
Simon: This is what I am, Lily. I'm a liar. That's my job. It's all I've ever been. I haven't done an honest day's work in my life until I worked in that damn garage, and I was happy, happy marrying for money, living easy. All I wanted out of my trip to Oakdale was that, that big fat hunk of carbon.
Lily: So that was it? Just get the diamond and get out of town, it doesn't -- it doesn't matter who you step on, who you destroy, the families that you hurt?! You held me while I wept about what I was doing to my children! No, Simon, only a coward walks out now! I will -- you lied about everything? Everything? Does everything include loving me?

Lily: Come on, Simon, we're alone now. When I asked you to tell me the truth before, that woman was there.
Simon: Ruby?
Lily: And I didn't know if you were lying for her benefit. I don't care. But I need to know the truth now. What happened between us? Was any of it real?
Simon: You've already convinced yourself that it wasn't real, all right? So why are you even here? Go home. Go on. Why don't you just go home to your good old, honest, law abiding husband?
Lily: Because I have to know the truth! I stood here a few months ago telling you that I was gonna leave him for you.
Simon: Oh, come on. That was your choice.
Lily: But what was it based on, Simon?
Simon: Weren't you just listening? The only thing that mattered to me was that diamond!
Lily: What about the island? It didn't feel like you were conning me then. It felt like you were doing anything you could to help us survive. Was that just a game?
Simon: Oh, please. Listen, I do not owe you any explanations whatsoever.
Lily: Is that how you see it now? Everything that we went through -- it meant nothing?
Simon: Believe what you want, all right? Believe whatever you want, that I used you, that I loved you, whatever! Because at the end of the day, you went back to your husband, so why do you even care?
Lily: I'm trying to rebuild my life. I do not want to make the same mistakes again.
Simon: At least you have a life to rebuild. What? It never occurred to you that maybe I have some questions as well? I thought that you were going to stay with me forever! So you tell me, Lily, who's the bigger liar?
Lily: I meant it at the time. Maybe I shouldn't have asked you here. I didn't even think that you would even care.
Simon: You didn't think it would matter that I was stuck here married to a woman that I don't even love. But I loved you, I just didn't think you'd force me to say it again to make yourself feel better.
Lily: I'm sorry. Do you need anything?
Simon: Money? No. I used to want that from you, until I got to know you. Then, it was the last thing on my mind. Besides, I'm working for Craig Montgomery now.
Lily: I heard that. Can you do me a favor for everything that we meant to each other?
Simon: Yeah, sure.
Lily: Promise me you won't hurt my mother.

Craig's Suite

Simon: You wanted to see me?
Craig: Yeah, I was just visiting our friend, Gabriel, the traveling con artist.
Simon: He's not my friend.
Craig: He has his uses.
Simon: He's a two-bit grifter, nothing more.
Craig: Actually, in fact, he is something of an enthusiast in certain scientific pursuits. We were concocting some ideas for Lucinda, but more on that later. Right now, I need you to go get those photographs at Lucinda's house. Ruby's --
Simon: Sorry, I can't do it.
Craig: Can't do what?
Simon: Get into Lucinda's house and take the photos.
Craig: Why not?
Simon: I just can't.
Craig: Lily?
Simon: I will do anything else you want me to do.
Craig: What I need is those photographs.
Simon: Then you are fresh out of luck, mate.
Craig: You're telling me you're not gonna do it?
Simon: That is exactly what I'm telling you.
Craig: Then, I suppose I'll do it myself, but you better hope you don't live to regret it.

[Katie walks in to see Simon playing the guitar she gave him.]
Katie: That guitar is the best investment I ever made. I love hearing you play. No, no, no, no. Don't stop.
Simon: I'm not really in the mood anymore.
Katie: Because of Lily?
Simon: You going to get some dinner now or what?
Katie: You know, if you want to talk about it, I promise I won't get disturbed --
Simon: It's absolutely the last thing in the world I want to talk about.
Katie: Okay. Well, if it will make you feel better --
Simon: I don't want you to worry about my moods, or my tone of voice or -- in fact, the best thing you could do right now is forget about me altogether.
Katie: Well, if I could do that, I would have done it a long time ago. But forgetting about you stopped being an option the minute we kissed. And when we made love --
Simon: Katie?
Katie: -- Impossible. You might as well face it, Simon, with every day that passes, I only love you more.

Simon: How can you say that, all right? I am the worst thing that could possibly have happened to you, Katie. I'm a broke, lying, cheating illegal alien who doesn't even love you!
Katie: Every couple has problems.
Simon: Okay, does every wife have a husband who can't even keep a job?
Katie: Craig fired you?
Simon: No, no, but he came close. It doesn't matter, I'm gonna quit. I'm sorry, but I have to say this. I cannot continue to work for that dirtbag brother of yours, all right? He is total scum. He's worse than me, and that's saying something.
Katie: Don't talk about yourself like that.
Simon: It's your brother I was talking about! Defend him!
Katie: And you're my husband! And I like you a lot better. Besides, if you weren't working for Craig, you wouldn't have to hang around with that Ruby slut, which would suit me fine. Simon: He'll probably kick us out of this place. Huh? Are you that prepared to become homeless with me?
Katie: We'll find something to do.
Simon: Oh, Katie, you have gotta stop attaching yourself to me like this, and start thinking about what you want out of life!
Katie: I want you. Whatever Lily did to you today, I'm sorry about that. You can tell me that you don't believe in love anymore, and that there's a million reasons that we don't belong together, but it doesn't change the way I feel.
Simon: Listen, Katie, I have hurt enough people. Do you know what I'm doing here? I'm trying to make things right. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are, any?
Katie: You really think so?
Simon: Yes. And your mind, it is brilliant. You deserve a chance to use it you know, a real life. That's why if we annul this marriage you can go back to college --
Katie: No, Simon! You're not like some new toy that I'm just gonna get sick of and throw away. What I feel for you is gonna last for forever.
Simon: It can't. It can't.
Katie: But those vows that we said -- that we rushed through. I meant them. I practiced them that day. I wanted to love, honor and cherish you.
Simon: And I wanted Lily. And look how that worked out. It didn't work out. Look, before you met me, you had a nice home, a good job, a future. And what's happened since? You've lived next door to a garage, you've slept in a car, you've almost been arrested.
Katie: Yes, and I wouldn't change any of that. Because I was with you.
Simon: Oh, my. I give up. I can't do this.
Katie: Where are you going?
Simon: Just out.
Katie: Okay, I'll wait up.
Simon: Don't!
Katie: [ on the phone ] Hey, Henry, it's me. No, no, don't hang up! I need you to come over.

Katie: Oh, took you long enough to get here.
Henry: Well, it's good to see you, too, Peretti. Well, hello. I -- I wanted to talk to you about this letter of recommendation from Craig.
Katie: He said it was perfect.
Henry: Yeah, and then I re-read it. Since when does Craig spell "recommend" with two Cs? Hmm?
Katie: He's an executive, not a secretary. Besides, no one will even notice that. And we have much more important things to talk about.
Henry: Oh, goodie, another opportunity to motivate the Australian. I can't wait.
Katie: See, I realized something today as I was eavesdropping on Simon and Lily, and that is that it is over between them.
Henry: Again?
Katie: Forever, this time. See, that love would've never happened if Simon didn't come to town looking for a diamond he thought Lily had. Get it?
Henry: No.
Katie: Simon saw Lily as a way of getting rich. He fell in love with her as an afterthought, and he can do the same thing with me.
Henry: Katie, Katie, we've been over this. You don't have any money.
Katie: I know, but it's a diamond that Simon wants.
Henry: You don't have any diamonds.
Katie: I know, but I have --
Henry: Not even a cubic zirconia.
Katie: I know, but if --
Henry: I mean, that probably isn't even a real gold wedding band.
Katie: Are you listening to me? If I had a diamond, then Simon would pay attention. He would follow me to the ends of the earth to get it. And then he would fall in love with me in the meantime.
Henry: Like that'll ever happen.
Katie: Simon said I was beautiful today. And brilliant - he's this close to falling in love with me. All I need is a few shiny, hefty carats to seal the deal.
Henry: I see where this is going. Katie, I'm many things, but I am not, nor have I ever been, a cat burglar.
Katie: Oh, please, that is not what I'm talking about.
Henry: I look horrible in all black.
Katie: Henry, I'm not talking about stealing someone else's diamond. I want us to find the one that Simon lost.

Henry: All right -- um -- how big exactly is this rock?
Katie: It's huge. And I know exactly where Simon was when he misplaced it, so all we have to do is just go there, grab some scuba equipment and --
Henry: Wait, whoa, whoa -- whoa, drop anchor there, little miss mermaid. Scuba equipment?
Katie: Henry, if you keep worrying about what you're gonna wear when we do this, I'm gonna call someone else.
Henry: A equipment? Explain. Going once. Twice.
Katie: Okay, okay -- um, the diamond -- it sort of fell into the ocean.
Henry: The ocean.
Katie: But I'm gonna get Simon to tell me where it is and then we'll go find it.
Henry: In the ocean.
Katie: It's a heavy diamond. It probably sank right to the bottom. It'll be easy to find.
Henry: At bottom -- of the ocean.
Katie: Where are you going?
Henry: To change my phone number.
Katie: Henry, you have to help me with this. You don't wanna give up the most important opportunity of a lifetime.
Henry: Katie, grow up. And when you do, fall in love with someone who will love you back.
[ Door closes ]

Simon: It's a little early for bed, isn't it?
Katie: I didn't think you were gonna -- I'm glad you're back. I wasn't waiting up. I was just going to read for a little while.
Simon: Katie -- these little romantic scenes that we keep acting out, okay? They're pointless. You have to accept the fact that I'm gonna be leaving town soon.
Katie: Not right away.
Simon: No, but as soon as Craig pays me the money he owes me, then yes.
Katie: So, after the wedding, then.
Simon: I suppose.
Katie: I wish there was something I could do. You look so sad.
Simon: Look, I'm fine, all right? I'm okay.
Katie: I want to thank you, Simon, for trying to take care of me.
Simon: Katie --
Katie: No, just let me finish, okay? I know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back. And I know you've been trying to keep me from being hurt, the way Lily hurt you.
Simon: I so -- let's not talk about Lily ever again, okay?
Katie: Okay, I -- it's too late for me not to love you. I just do.
Simon: And I'm sorry about that.
Katie: I know you want me to stop coming on to you and I'm not. No, I'm not, really. I was just wondering if maybe I could just put my arms around you for a little while?
Simon: You think that's a good idea?
Katie: It's just that sometimes when you're sad, it helps if someone holds you, you know? Even if it's not someone that you love.
Simon: Who needs comforting? You or me?
Katie: Take your pick.
Simon: Ah. You are an odd duck, Katie, you know that?
Katie: Birds of a feather. Everything's going to be all right. You'll see.

Katie: A black tux with a silver tie and cummerbund. That's what you were thinking about, right? What to wear to Craig's wedding?
Simon: No, no. I was just thinking of an excuse as to how to avoid the whole dull affair.
Katie: Dull?! It's gonna be so fun.
Simon: And I'm sure you're going to enjoy yourself, but I'm not going.
Katie: Of course you are. I already RSVP'd for both of us, and you wouldn't want me to look stupid, would you?
Simon: No, honey, you do a good job of that all by yourself.
Katie: Oh, you are so bad.
Simon: Oh, I know.
Katie: I'm gonna go take a bath. Want to join? Just kidding -- sort of.
[ Door Closes ]
[ doorbell rings ]
Simon: Katie, you expecting anyone?! Kate --
[ Water Running ] Katie?!
Ruby: Hello, lover.
Simon: Hello, Ruby. Hi.
Ruby: You remembered my name. That's a good sign. Mind if I come in?
Simon: No, no. Actually, it's really not a good time right now.
Ruby: Oh, I can make anytime a "good time." Oof -- look at this place.
Simon: So does -- Lucinda know you're out on the loose?
Ruby: Oh, the old lady's busy setting up for some party, she won't even notice I'm gone. Besides, I just had to see you. Lucinda told me you've been using me. I didn't believe her at first. But now, it seems Craig Montgomery figured out who set up those nasty pictures. So, lover, the truth -- did you rat me out?
Simon: Yes. Sorry, lover, yes I did. You've been had. What? You shouldn't look so surprised. I mean, we told each other from the outset, we're both just a couple of cons, right?
Ruby: But you said what we had was different, that it meant something. Was it all a lie?!
Simon: A lie -- no. No. It was a game -- a game that you seem to enjoy as much as anyone, except when you're the mark. So maybe you should remember this feeling next time you try and rip off some poor sucker. But thanks anyway, it's been --
Katie: What the -- ? I thought husbands were supposed to take out the trash, not invite it in.

Ruby: You're calling me trash?! That's really funny.
Katie: Funny? Then why am I not laughing?
Simon: Listen, listen, better go, Ruby. Please? Let's go.
Katie: You heard the man, go. And now hear me, stay the hell away from my husband!
Ruby: Do you actually believe you mean anything to this gigolo? No one can be that stupid, not even you!
Simon: Ladies, stop it! Stop it!
Katie: She called -- she called me stupid!
Simon: I know, I know!
Ruby: Oh, that's because you can't see how he's playing you like he played me!
Katie: Shut up, tramp. Nobody here is interested in anything you have to offer.
Ruby: Oh, your husband was really interested the other night.
Katie: You're such a liar.
Ruby: Tell her, Simon -- tell her you couldn't get enough.
Simon: I plead the fifth. I take the fifth. I plead the fifth.
Ruby: Poor Simon was starving for some attention. Starving, so I gave him everything I had.
Katie: Oh, keep dreaming, lady.
Ruby: Oh, yeah, the only one who's dreaming here is Simon -- of hot times with me.
Katie: Want to bet it's about time you cooled off?!
Ruby: Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Ruby: Stop it! You're crazy! Stop!
Katie: And you're all washed up!
Ruby: Ooh, look what you've done!
Katie: And I'll do it again if ever come back. What is so funny?
Simon: What do you think? The look on her face when you picked that thing up. It was pure terror.
Katie: She deserved it.
Simon: Ah, you are something else, Katie Peretti.
Katie: It's Frasier, and I wasn't being funny.
Simon: I know, you were being yourself, and I must admit, I loved every minute of it.
Katie: It was pretty funny, huh, putting out her fire?
Simon: Yeah, she defended my honor admirably. But for future reference, I can fight my own battles.
Katie: Of course you can, but it's much more fun doing it together -- fighting, I mean.
Simon: I'll say one thing for you -- you can turn anything into an adventure.
Katie: Well, just say the word -- the adventure doesn't have to end. You could sign on for life.

Simon: How many times do I have to warn you not to set yourself up for a fall?
Katie: How many times do I have to warn you I'm stronger than you think.
Simon: I know you are. I know you are. And smart and funny and fearless. You have so much to give. Please, please, don't waste it on me.
Katie: You're right. I've been wasting way too much time entertaining you, so it's your turn to entertain me.
Simon: Look, we've been through this so many times --
Katie: No, I wasn't talking about sex, you fiend. Although, now that you mention it --
Simon: Get up. Katie, get up here.
Katie: I mean entertainment in the form of a story. I know. Why don't you tell me about this diamond that you carried about? The one that you were searching for that brought rose and Lily together.
Simon: No, that is -- that is one long story.
Katie: And I want to hear every juicy detail.

Katie: So your sister drowned holding the diamond? That's awful.
Simon: Yeah, 100 pounds of fish food, clutching a diamond worth millions.
Katie: Yeah, but that's your sister you're talking about. I mean, how awful to lose her that way.
Simon: You didn't know my sister. Wacko.
Katie: Still, to sink to the bottom of the ocean off of some remote island. That is where it happened, right?
Simon: Yes, yes, that's what I've said, several times now.
Katie: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. It's just a fascinating story.
Simon: Yeah, and one I'd rather forget.
Katie: But do you ever really forget something that you pursued for so long?
Simon: No -- no, I suppose not. I suppose I always wonder what life would have been like had I not lost that dear, old rock.
Katie: And one day you'll know the answer.
Simon: How?
Katie: You'll get your diamond back. I'll make sure of it.
Simon: Okay, delusional, enjoy your fantasy, but some of us have to earn a real living.
Katie: Okay, go ahead. See you later.
Simon: What are you going to do?
Katie: Oh, I'll think of something.
Simon: Oh, no, no, that's scary.
[ Phone rings ]
Henry: Henry Coleman. State your business.
Katie: Hi, Henry, it's me. Meet me at the Lakeview lounge. I'll have a double martini waiting for you with three olives.

The Lakeview Lounge

Katie: I got Simon to tell me all about the diamond. You should've seen the look on his face. It was like he was talking about a love.
Henry: Well, the man has his priorities straight.
Katie: He longs for that diamond. He thinks about it, and if I was the person who found it, he would be mine forever.
Henry: Yeah, and how hard could it be to find? It's in an ocean, and there's only four of those.
Katie: I have a lot more information than that.
Henry: Like what, Katie? The longitude? The latitude?
Katie: No, but I know that it's just off the coast of the island where Simon and Lily were stranded. It's near a cave, very close to some rocks.
Henry: In tan, by the shore, near rocks. What are we waiting for? Let's go get it!
Katie: Have you ever tried to be optimistic, ever in your life?
Henry: Yeah.
Katie: As soon as Craig marries Barbara Ryan, he will pay Simon all the money he owes him. Simon will buy a one-way ticket out of here, and I can't let happen.
Henry: All right, earth to Katie if this plan was remotely feasible, which it's not, how are you going to finance this transoceanic expedition? We need a plane, we need a boat, we need scuba gear.
Katie: That won't be a problem.
Henry: Okay, let me guess. Before we set sail, you plan on robbing a bank.
Katie: I won't have to. I never told you this. I've never told anyone, but the truth is, I'm loaded.

Craig's Suite

Simon: If I'm done, I want out. I want to blow this town, but I can't until you pay me.
Craig: You'll get your money when the job is finished.
Simon: I've done -- I've done everything that I said I would do.
Craig: All right, all right, but I am asking you again to reconsider procuring the photographs.
Simon: Oh, procuring. Just say "stealing," all right?
Craig: Look, I don't care how you get them. Lucinda has the photos, she's enlisted my son to help ruin me, and the only way I can stop this is to get the photos before Barbara gets them!
Simon: Look, I don't see how I can help. I have no more access to Lucinda than you do.
Craig: You could. She's throwing a party tonight for Lily and Holden. You could get into the party and get the photographs.
Simon: I'm sorry, the answer is no. I am out. I'm officially out of the espionage business.
Craig: All right, fine. Fine, fine, fine. Fine! I'll handle it myself.
Simon: Good. That's the way. So how do you plan on breaking into Ft. Walsh?
Craig: I told you, she's having a party.
Simon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and somehow I don't think you're on the guest list.
Craig: I have crashed far better parties than Lucinda's. Walking in on the arm of the guest of honor. I will get into this party, whatever it takes. This is one party I am not going to miss.

Henry: Even if this idea were remotely feasible -- which it's not -- how do you plan on financing this transoceanic expedition? You need a plane, a boat, diving gear.
Katie: It won't be a problem.
Henry: Okay, don't tell me. You plan on robbing a bank before we set sail.
Katie: No, we won't have to. I haven't told you this -- I haven't told anyone. But the truth is -- I'm loaded.
Henry: The $2.35 in Katie's widdle piggy bank won't cover cab fare to the airport.
Katie: I've got enough money to keep you in dry martinis for, oh, about 100 years.
Henry: Well, I really like martinis.
Katie: I know you do. No problem.
Henry: Mm. This from the same girl who thinks that being married to a con man and a gigolo extraordinaire is also "no problem."
Katie: You know, Henry, I would make fun of your life, too, if you had one.
Henry: Well, I don't have time for a life, Katie. I'm too busy saving yours.
Katie: I'm talking serious bucks here.
Henry: I'm talking reality. Now, you've been shacked up for months next to a grease pit. Why? Or is your serious money just tied up t-bills?
Katie: Something like that. I have my own private stash.
Henry: Uh-huh.
Katie: Enough money to bankroll our entire adventure and then some. I'm dead serious, Henry.
Henry: You really are, aren't you? Do my ears deceive me or has my little Katie bird hatched herself a nest egg?

Katie: When I was working as an anchorwoman at WOAK, I practically lived like a nun. I mean, I had room and board covered, 'cause I was staying with Tom and Margo. So I stashed all my paychecks into CDs. Nothing risky, just enough to guarantee interest, and I was not gonna touch them until they matured.
Henry: Or until you matured, whichever came first --
Katie: Ha, ha, ha. And now's the time.
Henry: Now? Now, not when I was desperate? Not when I gave you the 500 bucks so you could play the role of pregnant newlywed?
Katie: Oh, come on, Henry, you were fine. See, that's the brilliance of my plan. If you spend money every time you think you need to, you're never gonna have a dime.
Henry: Oh, well, Alan Greenspan has nothing on you.
Katie: Thank you. Now, let's get down to business.
Henry: How many zeroes are we talking about?
Katie: Enough.
Henry: Okay, the inscrutable thing -- it's getting a little tedious. So if you want me to go along with this "Henry and Katie excellent adventure," it's time to show me the money!
Katie: Okay, okay. The only reason that I'm dipping into my savings is to invest in this -- oh, little venture that could net millions. See, it may be all I have in the world, but it's chump change compared to what I could get from this diamond, right?
Henry: Right, fine, I'll play the chump. How much change do you have in the CDs?
Katie: Somewhere in the neighborhood of $30,000.

Katie: Okay, this is a map of the entire Outer Banks, from corolla down to Hatteras Point. Now, Simon and Lily's island that they were stranded on is just some little, small piece of sand off the coast here somewhere.
Henry: Bubbles, you see this? It's called an ocean. And Simon's island is not even on this map. We don't know where his sister went blub-blub-blub down to the bottom. We don't even know how deep the ocean is. All we do know is you've got enough money to finance this crazy operation.
Katie: Okay, you just leave the details to me, all right? I can get plenty more maps from the internet. And I met this guy who's totally on scuba diving. He told that we're gonna have to get certified, but we can do that right here in town in just a few days.
Henry: At where? The local shark tank?
Katie: No, at the "Y," silly.
Henry: Okay, okay, enough -- enough with the sales pitch, all right? Spending time on a deserted island without Ginger and Maryann is just not gonna do it for me, okay?
Katie: There's a cave on the island.
Henry: There's a cave on the island? Well, why didn't you say so?
Katie: You know, Henry, you've gone soft. You used to tell me to reach for the sky, to grab what I wanted and not let anyone get in my way. And now you're letting a small, little island and some sand scare you? Here's the deal, okay? Take it or leave it. You and I split whatever the diamond is worth, 50/50.
Henry: How big did you say it was?
Katie: The top part, without the stem.
Henry: Well, Peretti, it does have a certain je ne sais quoi that just won't quit.
Katie: You're in on it?
Henry: I have but one question. Where's my suit?

Katie: Okay, so after the gear and the plane, we're gonna have to hire a pilot.
Henry: Well, actually, I've got a little surprise for you, Katie. I can fly.
Katie: Oh, get serious, Henry. I'm too old to believe in Peter pan.
Henry: No, no, no, I am serious. I've got a pilot's license. I can take the plane out and we can keep the split, 50/50.
Katie: You're incredible. I knew you were the right man for the job.
Henry: So when do we start?
Katie: Well, I don't know. We're gonna need some time to get our gear together and to take those scuba lessons. Oh, I know. During Barbara and Craig's wedding. Everyone will be so busy, they won't even know we're gone.
Henry: Here's to the bride and groom.
Katie: And to our little adventure.
Henry: And to the team of Coleman and Peretti, together again.
Katie: Frasier and Coleman.
Henry: And to the filthy rich. God bless them, one and all. May we soon join their privileged ranks.

Katie: Maybe I should get a hunting knife.
[ Knock at the door ]
Katie: Come in. Come in. I'm so excited. So, did you get everything I ordered?
Deliveryman: Snakebite kit.
Katie: Yes, check.
Deliveryman: Helmut with mosquito netting.
Katie: So cute check.
Delivery man: Crocodile Dundee knife.
[ Knock at the door ]
Simon: Katie open the door. I forgot my keys.
Katie: That's my husband. Oh he's not supposed to be home yet.
Simon: Open the door please.
Deliveryman: Is there a problem?
Katie: Yes. You've got to hide.

Katie: You, get in the closet! Get in the closet!
Delivery man: Lady, I don't even know you! What is this?!
Katie: Just get in there and be quiet! My husband is a very jealous man! I'm coming!
Simon: Come on, Katie, open up!
Katie: I'll be right there! What a nice surprise.
Simon: What took you so long?
Katie: I wasn't dressed, and you were supposed to be gone all night.
Simon: I forgot my keys. I left them in my jacket.
Katie: Oh, here they are. And your wallet.
Simon: Oh, geez. What are you wearing?
Katie: This? Oh, this is the hottest thing this summer. "Survivor" chic.
Simon: Yeah, right. I'm out of here. See you later.
Katie: Okay.
[ Delivery man sneezes ]
[ Katie sneezes ] Oh. Allergies. You know, I have got to talk to housekeeping, 'cause in an expensive place like this, you'd think that they'd have the dust under control.
[ Katie sneezes ] I'm fine. You go. I'm fine, see?
[ Delivery man sneezes ]
Simon: You want to tell me what's going on here?
[ Delivery man sneezes ]
Katie: No, no, no, it's not what you think.
Simon: Back away, Lara Croft.
Katie: Simon, wait, don't, please, just --
Simon: Let go of the door.
Delivery man: No way!
Simon: Fine, all right. Katie, can you pass me my chain saw? It's under the bed.
Delivery man: Don't look at me. It was her wacked idea.
Simon: I have no doubt. Safari Sam's Outfitters. So what are you delivering, mate? We're not going on a safari.
Katie: He was delivering some things for my ensemble. You know, accessories.
Simon: Just an innocent delivery, huh? So why are you hiding in the closet?
Delivery man: I don't know. Ask her. She's crazy!
Simon: I know she is. Here's something else you should know. I don't like coming home and finding strange men playing hide-and-seek with my wife, so I'm going to make you a little suggestion here. Disappear, now.
Delivery man: But she hasn't paid the bill yet.
Simon: Well, you've got three seconds, and then I am gonna shoot you. All right? One, two -- Katie, get my gun, will you?
Delivery man: I'll send it in the mail.
Simon: Good. Three. What?!
Katie: You know, if I didn't know any better, Mr. Frasier, I'd swear you were jealous.

Simon: I am so not jealous of Safari Sam.
Katie: Oh, I'll bet he'd disagree.
Simon: I would have reacted exactly the same way if I found him, I don't know, stealing the TV.
Katie: Oh, that is proof. You practically just said you love me.
Simon: You're making even less sense than usual, and that's impressive.
Katie: According to statistics, most men say that they love their TVs more than their wives. So just think of me as your own, special entertainment unit.
Simon: Oh, I wish you came with a remote. See ya later.
Katie: Just admit that you have feelings for me.
Simon: I do have feelings for you. I do. Sometimes I feel like I want to drop-kick you across Oakdale, other times I feel like I want to wring your neck, and sometimes I feel like I want to --
Katie: Kiss me?

Simon: I'm not gonna kiss you.
Katie: Chicken.
Simon: And what am I scared of exactly?
Katie: You're scared of the truth. See, a kiss is kind of like a lie detector test. So if you can kiss me without your heart racing, I'll know that there's nothing between us.
Simon: This sounds like one of your tricks.
Katie: No, no, no. No tricks, just good, clean fun. Promise.
Simon: All right, all right. So what are the rules? I kiss you --
Katie: Long and hard.
Simon: Yeah, whatever, right. And if my heart doesn't start beating like a tom-tom, then you'll finally accept that I feel nothing for you and never will.
Katie: Yep.
Simon: Pretty confident, aren't you?
Katie: Yep.
Simon: Pucker up, buttercup.
[Simon and Katie tentatively kiss, the kiss growing more passionate.]

[Simon and Katie still kissing before Simon pulls away.]
Simon: Katie, Katie, Katie --
Katie: You felt it, didn't you? See, I told you there was something between us.
Simon: No, no, no. You bet me there was.
Katie: "Bet," "told" -- what's the difference?
Simon: The difference is, a bet has a winner and a loser. You lost this one, Katie.
Katie: Simon! You know, for an ex-gigolo, you're a pretty bad liar.
[ Simon leaves but pauses after the door closes behind obviously moved by the kiss ]
Simon: Wow.

Simon: Katie, I can't find my watch. Do you know where it is?
Katie: Good morning, sexy lips.
Simon: Good morning.
Katie: Would you like another? You know, last night can hold me for awhile, but whenever you want to practice your technique, you just ask me, okay?
Simon: I need my watch. What, did you hide it, or what?
Katie: No! Simon, it's right here. I am so beyond hiding your watch to keep you home.
Simon: Good, 'cause Craig wants me to check in with him before the wedding.
Katie: I thought he fired you, or you quit, whichever came first.
Simon: I don't know, I don't know. I guess he still needs me, which is good. Extra cash.
Katie: Right, the more money you have, the farther away from me you can get.
Simon: Not from you, sugar, from Oakdale in general.
Katie: I bet you're kind of jealous of Craig right now, though. I mean, in a few short hours, he's going to be married to one of the richest women in town. That's your dream, right, a rich wife, set for life?
Simon: Now, why on earth would I want to marry for money when I'm already hitched to a delusional head case?
Katie: I'll take that as a compliment if you kiss again.
Simon: No, no, no, sorry, sorry. Yesterday's event was a one time only thing. You dared me to walk away from it, and I did.
Katie: Simon, you felt it, and you know it. [ Simon leaves ] He felt it.
[ Knock at door ] Ah, I knew you couldn't resist.
Henry: All ready to finalize our plans, Peretti? Or are you expecting -- what are you expecting?
Katie: Oh, Henry! What are you wearing?
Henry: It's a disguise. Didn't wanna run into your old man in the hallway. So, you ready for our little island getaway?
Katie: Oh, of course. I can think of nothing but. So, I have the map right here. And I was thinking, we leave late tonight. We arrive early morning, fish for the diamond --
Henry: At the bottom of the ocean.
Katie: And we'll be back before the week's out.
Henry: Ah, who said there's no such thing as easy money?
Katie: The next time that Simon and everyone in this town sees me, I'm gonna be worth millions.

The Lakeview Lobby

Simon: Hey.
Barbara: Hello.
Simon: Hey, Barbara, right?
Barbara: Yes.
Simon: Are you ready for the big day?
Barbara: I am, as are the mutant butterflies in my stomach.
Simon: Craig, you have to have a word with that sister of yours. She's acting crazier than usual.
Craig: How can you tell? Anyway, I've got better things to worry about.
Simon: What, like making sure Lucinda doesn't swoop in with those pictures of you and Ruby? I take it Gabe Frank didn't come through.
Craig: Well, not as yet, but I need an insurance policy. And since you are reluctant to lift the photographs from her house, maybe it wouldn't compromise your principles to keep her from crashing the gate.
Simon: You want me to stop her at the door?
Craig: Yeah.
Simon: Yeah, fine, shouldn't be a problem.
Craig: Good. Because if she gets anywhere near Barbara today, I can kiss my future good-bye.

Katie and Simon's Room, Craig's Suite

Katie: Here it is. Here is Simon and Lily's island.
Henry: It's not even marked. Katie, it's -- I think that's a crumb fr- it is a crumb from your cookie.
Katie: Well, the island is uncharted. It's not gonna be marked on the map. Based on the information that Simon gave me about where he lost the diamond, it's right about here.
Henry: Well -- you have the coordinates? Longitude? Latitude? Hmm?
Katie: I heard Simon tell Agent Halliwell that it's 100 miles from the Outer Banks.
Henry: Oh, well, that narrows it down. Maybe the I.N.S. Guys have already found it, huh? All we have to do is look for guys with bad haircuts playing volleyball on the beach.
Katie: I know that there is a group of islands all together, and this one's off by itself somewhere. We'll be able to see that from the air. Oh, and it has some ruins on it or something from a fire. So we should be able to see that, too. Look, if you don't want to come --
Henry: No, no, I didn't say I didn't want to come. I didn't say that.
Katie: Okay, good, because the plane is already chartered and is waiting for us at the airport.
Henry: Aren't you going to you big brother's wedding tonight?
Katie: Yeah, I'm gonna leave during the champagne toast. No one'll even notice I'm gone.
Henry: That's an understatement. You know, Katie, I've got to admit, this scheme rivals any of our past escapades. Some people might even call it crazy.
Katie: Yeah, well, some people called Christopher Columbus crazy.
Henry: I can't wait to bring that baby up from the bottom of the sea. How big did you say it was? About this big?
Katie: About this big. Don't worry. It's worth millions.
Henry: You know, Katie, I've got to admit, you've really developed a can-do attitude since we first met.
Katie: Yeah, well, I have finally realized that life is not a fairy tale, and sometimes you have to clunk your prince over the head with a diamond, if that's what it takes.
Henry: Yeah, well, Katie, don't forget that the happy ending to this story isn't just about you and frasier. I expect you to cash that diamond in and give me half.
Katie: Yeah, sure. Sure, whatever.

The Lakeview Lobby

Simon: Okay, yeah, I'll stay on that security issue. Well, you -- butterflies or not, you look stunning. Good luck.
Barbara: Thank you, Simon. [ to Craig ] Hello, handsome.

Katie and Simon's Room, Craig's Suite

Katie: I've thought of everything. Bug spray, sunscreen -- SPF 30 -- my skin is very delicate -- snakebite kit, mosquito netting and two pith helmets. This one's yours. Now, as for food, after watching two seasons of "Survivor," I realized that what people really crave when they're out in the wild is junk food, I'm gonna get us tons of it.
Henry: Great, Katie. But I want to remind you of something. I'm holding you to your promise. I expect half the cut of that diamond. I'm not risking my life diving to the bottom of the ocean in the middle of nowhere for my health. Capisce?
Katie: Yes. Of course. You will get what's coming to you. Okay, peanuts, cookies, chips -- anything else you crave?
Henry: Need you even ask? A cocktail shaker.
Katie: No, no, no, no, absolutely not. You're the pilot. There's no way I'm letting you turn our cockpit into the Lakeview lounge --
Henry: Katie, Katie, I will not have a sip until we're on terra firma.
Katie: All right. Why don't you look over the map that I bought?
Henry: I know the plan. I'll just meet you out in the lobby when I get all my stuff. Oh, and Bombay gin if they have it, and also jumbo Italian olives, unstuffed. Unstuffed. 'Cause a martini is just not a martini if it's not dirty.
Katie: It's Simon. What is he doing back here? Hide. Hide. Hide. Now. Hide. Just don't - come this way. Come this way hide in the bathroom.

Simon: What are you doing here?
Katie: Actually, he was just leaving.
Henry: Actually, I'm just leaving.
Simon: And what's with the hat?
Katie: We were just --
Simon: What are you up to, Katie?
Henry: You know what? If you must know, Katie called me over here for my sartorial expertise. I'm helping her accessorize for the wedding.
Katie: Oh, Henry knows everything there is to know about women's accessories.
Simon: Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I remember how sing he looked in a dress.
Henry: Well, I ought to be going.
Simon: Just [ adjusts Henry's hat ]
Henry: Yes, that's much better. I'll leave you here to help with the accessories, Si. See you later, Katie.
Katie: I am so glad you're back and Henry's gone. His taste is so dowdy. What do you think, actually? Pink with lipstick or red?
Simon: What is all this? What is that?
Katie: I was just giving some away to charity.
Simon: What, your new spring wardrobe?
Katie: Well, you know, I found out that in fact, safari is not coming back.
Simon: Oh, come on, Katie, just -- just out with it. What are you and Coleman up to?

Simon: Come on, Katie. Just come clean. What's this -- this thing here all about? Obviously it's got something to do with Henry.
Katie: When did you get so suspicious?
Simon: From you, hanging out with you. It's now rubbing off on me. So let's just -- let's start again. With the trunk, where are you going?
Katie: To my brother's wedding. Where else would I be going?
Simon: Then explain that. Explain that.
Katie: Oh, the trunk? Oh, isn't it great? I found it at this second-hand store and I fell in love immediately.
Simon: See, that's your problem, one of them anyway, is you fall in love way too easily.
Katie: Silly man. You wouldn't know what to do without me.
Simon: Oh, yes, I would. The list is growing longer by the seconds.
Katie: Why don't you go get dressed so we're not late.
Simon: All right, and get rid of Dracula's coffin there. It's taking up way too much room.
Katie: Whatever you say, sweetheart.
[ Katie picks up the phone and clears her throat ] hi, this is Katie frasier, in Craig Montgomery's suite. I'm gonna need some help taking down a trunk. It's going to the Oakdale airport.

The Lakeview Lobby

Simon: Craig, have you seen Katie? I can't find her anywhere.
Craig: Katie's not your concern tonight. Lucinda Walsh --
Simon: I know, I know. If she shows up, I'll do my best to stop her, okay?
Craig: If she gets those photographs to Barbara before the wedding, you are responsible.
Simon: All right. And exactly how do you stop a old warhorse like that when she gets going?
Craig: Well the old nag ain't what she used to be. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she was a no-show this evening.

Simon: Look, I'm sorry. Ms. Walsh is not invited, and that's it.
John: I'm inviting her.
Simon: And I'm uninviting her. She's not allowed on the premises.
Lucinda: All right. Back off, back off.
John: Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Lucinda: My daughter owns this dump.
John: Hey, hey, hey.
Lucinda: My daughter owns this dump, and don't you do that testosterone act on me.
John: It's a wedding. Come on, all right.
Simon: I'm only doing my job.
John: I understand. I understand.
Lucinda: A job? What happened to your honest coveralls?
Simon: Excuse me.
Lucinda: What are you wearing?
John: Would you stop it? Now, come on.
Simon: Buddy, where did this come from? What the? Airport? [ Katie walks off the elevator and Simon grabs her ] Come here. What is this thing doing here? What are you up to now?

Simon: What's going on here, okay? You are not dressed for your brother's wedding. You've been stocking up on safari gear. You've been spending way too much time with your drag queen friend.
Katie: Henry only dressed up that once.
Simon: Whatever. Whatever. When the two of you get together, very, very bad things happen. Okay, so what -- why are you sending this trunk to the airport?
Katie: You said to get rid of it, so I'm getting rid of it.
Simon: No, no, no. Nothing is that simple with you, all right? So let's just stop all this insanity, whatever it is, before it starts, okay?
Katie: Sorry, Simon, but the insanity's already started, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I've got secrets of my own.

Simon: Okay, okay, why are you sending this trunk to the airport? Why?
Katie: You told me to get rid of it, so I'm getting rid of it.
Simon: No, no, no, no. Nothing is that simple with you. Okay, here's a -- here's a suggestion. Why don't we just end all this the insanity before it starts, okay?
Katie: No, sorry. Sorry, Simon, but the insanity has already begun, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I've got a few secrets of my own.
Simon: Okay, you know what? I don't -- I don't have time for this tonight. All right. No, no -- I've -- I've got no, no time to play games.
Katie: I'm not playing games. It's just that I -- I met this wonderful man.
Simon: Yeah, right. What man? What man?
Katie: Oh, he was just a fan from my news anchoring days. He's taking me away for the weekend.
Simon: Ooh, the weekend? Right -- with a trunk full of jungle gear. You're being stupid. This is being silly. Take this trunk upstairs. Your brother's wedding's about to begin.
Katie: [ Looking around ] Lucinda Walsh? What is she doing at Craig's wedding?
Simon: Oh, listen, look -- I've really got to go find Craig right now. Please do not go anywhere until we talk about this. Please? Promise me? Good, good.
Katie: How can I say no? But maybe no is what turns you on, because recently, you can't seem to get enough of me. Okay, boys, let's move this trunk. I'll catch up with you later, okay?

Lucinda: Stand back, 'cause this could get ugly with any luck.
Bryant: Well, good luck.
Lucinda: Step -- and breathe. Step -- and breathe. I'm gonna bury Craig Montgomery for good!
Simon: Ladies, I am so sorry to interrupt, but you haven't seen the groom anywhere?
Lisa: Oh, no, not since the donkey show.
Barbara: I was not amused with the donkey show Craig was livid. In fact, I'm sure he's out there right now trying to find someone on your staff to give them a piece of his mind.

The Lakeview

[ Katie is gulping down a glass of champagne ]
Margo: Katie, that's champagne, it's not fizzy water.
Katie: I know. I'm just thirsty. Have you seen my friend Henry anywhere?
Margo: No, why? Was he invited? Why aren't you dressed?
Julia: Excuse me, could I just borrow Katie for just one second?
Margo: Sure, take all the time you need.
Katie: Julia, you look so tired.
Julia: Yeah. You know what? I've been in the hospital and they -- they just keep changing my medication.
Katie: Are you feeling okay?
Julia: Actually, I'm a little woozy, to be honest.
Katie: Want me to get Jack?
Julia: No, no, no.
Katie: Okay, well, there are lots of doctors here. Maybe I could talk to one of them?
Julia: Oh, no, no. I don't want to upset the wedding party. And I -- I hate to impose on you at your brother's wedding, but you once said to me that if I ever need a favor --
Katie: I did?
Julia: Mm-hmm. You didn't forget, did you? It was right after I -- I --
Katie: Oh, right, right. When you helped me with the stalker t.
Julia: Mm-hmm.
Katie: Well, that was a while ago.
Julia: Well, you must have a room here, right? I mean, part of Craig's suite? I just -- know, I just think that if I had some privacy, and I could lay down, I'd start feeling a whole lot better.
Katie: You know, I would love to help you out, but I'm waiting for a friend who should be here any minute.
Julia: Oh, I understand. Oh, god. I'm sorry, Katie. I think I'm gonna pass out.
Katie: Oh, no, no. Don't do that! Here, just lean on me. Come on.

Katie and Simon's Room, Craig's Suite

Katie: Are you sure you don't want a doctor?
Julia: Positive.
Katie: Bob Hughes and John Dixon are right downstairs. They're the best in town.
Julia: No, I just need to rest, and I would love a glass of water.
Katie: Okay. Anything else? I really need to get back downstairs.
Julia: Can I impose on you for just one more small favor?
Katie: Yeah, what?
Julia: Would you find Jack and Carly for me and send them up here. Tell them I need to see them?
Katie: Both of them together?
Julia: Mm-hmm. Just tell them that I'm very, very sick.
Katie: No kidding.
Julia: What did you say?
Katie: I said I will send them right up.

The Lakeview

Jack: Hey.
Carly: Hi. Wow, that was fast. What? Did you helicopter Julia back to the hospital?
Jack: No, I couldn't find her. I looked all over for her.
Carly: Oh, please, Jack. Who cares? Those days of worrying about Julia are over.
Jack: That's right. She's hoping I'll tear this place apart looking for her.
Carly: Exactly. So why don't we beat her at her own game and leave without her.
Jack: Now, why didn't I think of that?
Katie: I'm so glad I found you. Julia's upstairs and she wants to see you -- both of you.
Jack: Upstairs, where?
Katie: In Craig's suite -- in your old room, Carly. She's lying down. She supposedly had a bad reaction to some medicine, and she looks really sick.
Carly: Of course, she does. Well, whatever she has, it must be catching, because I am starting to feel sick myself.
Katie: Well, I left the door open, so good luck.
Jack: Well, looks like I'll have to take Julia back to the hospital, after all.
Carly: You're not going without me. I was summoned up there, and I wouldn't miss this dying swan song for anything.

Lakeview Lobby

Simon: Hey, I've been looking for you everywhere. I was afraid you'd left.
Katie: Why are you so worried, Simon? You keep telling me that I'm this beautiful smart woman and I'm such a great catch for someone else. So I'm just following your advice.
Simon: That's good. Good. Look, I just don't want you running off with, you know, some complete stranger for a weekend. That's just so stupid.
Katie: It's never stopped you. What's good for the goose is good for the chicken.
Simon: Gander.
Katie: You know what I mean.
Simon: I wish I did.
Katie: Cheer up, Simon. The next time you see me, I'll be an unfaithful wife. So the next time your Brazilian bombshell wants to come knocking, you don't have to feel guilty. And when my lover calls, neither do I.

Katie: Next time you see me, I'll be an unfaithful wife. So the next time your Brazilian bombshell starts throwing off sparks, you won't even have to feel guilty. And when my lover calls, neither will I.
Simon: Katie, wait, wait. Why are you putting on this act?
Katie: Is it really so hard to believe that I've found someone who's romantic and adventurous? Someone who wants to sweep me off my feet?
Simon: Right, right, and who is this enigma?
[ Whistle blows ]
[ Simon laughs ]
Henry: Okay, Peretti! Let's get this show on the road.
Katie: Great timing, Henry, just great.

Simon: So, this -- this -- this is the stud muffin that you've been boasting about? Right, this is how you're going to pay me back for what you imagined I did with ruby, right? Well, look, yeah, you showed me. I hate being jealous.
Henry: I'm sure I'm being insulted here, so would one of you mind telling me what's going on so I can glare with the proper look of indignation?

Katie: Give me a break, Simon. So you caught me in one tiny little white lie, big deal.
Henry: Mosquito coils -- check.
Simon: Why do you even bother with this? You know, I'm not jealous. I don't care what you do with your life as long as you don't bullocks up mine.
Katie: Fine. Then Henry and I are just going on a little camping trip.
Henry: Ant-away -- check.
Simon: Right, right, yeah, right, where? Fantasy Island?
Katie: It's none of your business, my love. Just because I'm married to you doesn't mean I have to give away my "air of mystery."
Simon: Your air of what?
Henry: Extra floss -- check.
Katie: Just don't worry about me, okay, Simon?
Simon: Okay, I won't.
Katie: I'll be back in a couple of days with the biggest surprise you could ever imagine. And when you see it, you're never gonna make fun of me again.
Simon: Okay, well, you know, just make sure it's got "first class" and "one-way ticket to Australia" printed on it. That would be great.
Katie: Ah, ah, ah! No fair guessing, honey. Come on, Henry, let's go. Come on.
Henry: I had some martini mix here somewhere. It's lethal stuff, but it's all I could find.

Katie and Simon's Room, Craig's Suite

Henry: When I said we needed to go grocery shopping, I didn't think we'd be throwing quarters into the vending machines in the basement!
Katie: Well --
Henry: Did it ever occur to you to get some real food?
Katie: Henry, would you forget about it? We're gonna be fine. We're not gonna starve. We're only gonna be there for a weekend.
Henry: Oh, well, what's the matter with me? I seem to remember that I need real nourishment over the weekend, too.
Katie: Okay, fine. We'll stop at Mabel's and get some red-hots on the way if that'll make you feel better.
Henry: Okay, all right, whatever. Are we ready here? I mean, I've chartered the plane. I don't wanna blow our reservation.
Katie: I think I should leave a note for Simon. Don't you think?
Henry: Didn't you say you didn't want him to know where you were going?
Katie: Yeah, but what if Craig pays him the money that he owes him before we get back and he leaves the country?
Henry: Well, then you'd have to keep your half of the 50/50 split all to yourself. What a shame.
Katie: No, I'm gonna write him a note, something that'll make him wanna stick around. Okay. How does this sound? "Dearest darling Simon, I've gone to find your diamond. Wait for me. Love and smooches --"
[ Henry scoffs ]
Katie: "-- Your wife, Katie." How does that sound?
Henry: That sounds magnificent. That rivals Jane Austen. Now leave the letter, and let's go!
Katie: Okay.

The Wedding Ceremony

[ Barbara and Craig are dancing ]
Emily: Hey, leaving so soon?
Simon: Yes, my work here is done.
Nancy: This is grim. Let's dance.
Bob: I suppose somebody should.

Katie and Simon's Room, Craig's Suite

[ Knock at door ]
Maid: Would you like your bed turned down --
Simon: No, no, it's fine. Thank you. Thanks anyway.
Maid: I should at least empty the trash.
Simon: Sure. Come in. Suit yourself.
Maid: [ Picks up Katie's note from the floor ] Excuse me, sir? Is this important?
Simon: I don't know. Let me -- [ Knocking at door ] excuse me. I have to get the door. Thank you.
Craig: I won't be but a second, Bar-bar! But don't go in. I had the room specially done. I want to see the expression on your face. Huh?
Simon: So do I.
Craig: Yes, well, listen, man. You earned your keep tonight.
Simon: How, by watching the biggest wedding circus since my own?
Craig: Well, it took place. And after all, that's what counts. If you hadn't alerted me to Lucinda crashing with those pictures, well -- it'll only be a matter of time before both of us are richer than you've ever dreamed.
Simon: Good
Craig: Thank you.
Simon: Well, sounds like your bride awaits.
Craig: Ah, yes, my bride. And your bride, my sister?
Simon: No, no, no. She's gone away for a few days. But trust me, the vision of bank notes will keep me very warm.
Craig: Good man!
Simon: Good luck.
[ Door closing ] would you --
[ Simon sighs ]
[ guitar playing ]

On the Plane bound for the Outer Banks

Henry: I don't believe you, Katie. You buy scuba gear. You hire a plane. You hire me. You can't spend a couple of dollars on a better map?
Katie: I couldn't chance it. Nobody's supposed to know where we are, remember? You didn't put it in the airport log, did you?
Henry: Yeah, Katie. I told them, "destination -- no-name island, coordinates -- lost by lostwest." Where'd you get that map anyway, the internet?
Katie: Don't knock it, Henry.
Henry: Yahoo.
Katie: You can find anything if you surf long enough.
Henry: Yeah, well, that's what I'm hoping for. So which way to the Carolinas? I got ya.
Katie: Henry, don't do that to me.
Henry: I'm flying.
Katie: My entire future is waiting for me on that island.

Katie: We there yet?
Henry: No.
Katie: Are we there yet?
Henry: No.
Katie: Are we there yet?
Henry: Say it one more time, Katie, just one more time and you can free fall down to that godforsaken island -- wherever it is.
Katie: How can you tell where we're going in all this fog?
Henry: I can't, Katie. I don't know anything, all right? I told you we mshould have waited another day.
Katie: We already waited another day for the weather to clear when we touched down in North Carolina. How long are we supposed to put up with this?
Henry: For all I know, we have already flown over god's little acre and missed it entirely. We're gonna run out of fuel in the middle of the Atlantic. We're gonna disappear without a trace, and no one will ever know.
Katie: I left Simon a note, stop whining.
Henry: Katie Peretti, nose-diving through blinding fog, strapped into a tin can next to the only idiot who's greedy enough to go along on this harebrained scheme!
Katie: Remind me never to travel with you again.
Henry: I got news for you, sweetheart. There may not be a next time.
Katie: Oh, look, the fog is clearing, finally. Wait, Henry, look. Look, right down there. Do you see it?
Henry: Out of this world.
Katie: I think that's the cluster of islands! Do you see them?
Henry: Yeah, yeah, give me -- give me a landmark. No , what are we looking for?
Katie: Well, Simon said that there would be one island off to the side, all by itself. It's not on the map, but --
Henry: There's a shocker.
Katie: Wait. There it is! There it is! Hurry up! Do you see it? Do you see it? That's it. Look, there's the cliff -- oh, and the burned-down hut!
Henry: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, something went up in flames!
Katie: Yes, and there's the rocky outcropping, and the tiny bay! Henry, this is it! We found it! We found it! We actually did it! I cannot believe it!
Henry: Just point me the way to that diamond.

Katie: And right at this very moment, Simon is thinking about the huge sacrifices I'm making, the lengths that I would go to to help him find his treasure.
Henry: Foolish, foolish girl. Well, fasten your seat belt and return your seats to their upright positions.
Katie: You're right. Oh, it's going to be so beautiful. Simon and Lily were stranded in paradise.
Henry: I know. That island is just screaming to be a five-star luxury resort. It's got everything, except -- Katie, are you sure this is the right island?
Katie: Yeah, of course I'm sure.
Henry: Okay. Well, tell me, where is the landing strip?
Katie: The what?
Henry: The landing strip. You know, it's that little runway where the planes, they take off and they land?
Katie: I know what it is. Simon didn't say.
Henry: Well, did Simon say how Holden managed to land the plane when he rescued them?
Katie: I didn't ask. What, am I supposed to think of everything? I'm sure he just landed on the water.
Henry: On the water?
Katie: Yeah.
Henry: Did he say he landed on the water?
Katie: Yeah, what's the big deal? Just lower the pontoons.
Henry: What pontoons?

Henry: I don't believe this. No, this is too soon. I -- my apartment is a mess. I haven't had a chance to tell my parents I love them.
Katie: What are you talking about?
Henry: Oh, this is -- this is not happening.
Katie: What's going to happen?
Henry: We're going to die, Katie.
Katie: We're all gonna die eventually.
Henry: Yes, but not everyone gets a chance to die in the middle of nowhere with hungry sharks waiting to scarf up every bit.
Katie: Stop being so dramatic.
Henry: You -- you pack a perfect wardrobe and enough junk food to feed a navy seal. Yet, you neglect to tell me that we need a pontoon plane to land!
Katie: All of these little planes have pontoons. It's like when you're driving an SUV. You press a button and presto -- four-wheel drive. We just need to find the button.
Henry: Katie -- Katie, are you out of your mind? No, seriously, maybe I've been overestimating you all this time.
Katie: What, no button?
Henry: No! There's no button! There's no pontoons! No pontoon, there's no floating. No floating, guess what? We sink, Katie, just like a diamond.
Katie: Oh.
Henry: Oh?! "Oh," is that all you can say? All right, I want you to get that little thing you called a "map," and I want you to locate the nearest airport immediately.
Katie: For what?
Henry: For what? We are turning this thing around. End of the diamond expedition.
Katie: Oh, no, we are not. You just keep going where you're going, fly boy. There's no way I'm going home without that rock.
Henry: Where are we going to land, Katie?
Katie: There's a beach. Land there.
Henry: On the sand?
Katie: Henry, you are a genius at flying by the seat of your pants. You taught me to do that. If anyone can do it, you can.
Henry: Oh, I hate it when you turn into a cheerleader. I hate it!
Katie: Oh, come on. Live a little. We're having the time of our lives. You don't want to stop now.
Henry: You're right. Yeah, you're right, Katie. I don't want to stop now. I'm too young to die. And your optimism is bordering on maniacal. We are turning back.
Katie: Oh no we're not.
[ Katie grabs the controls ]
Henry: Katie. Hey, Katie! Katie!

[ Airplane over the Outer Banks ]
Henry: You're gonna get us killed!
Katie: I am landing this plane whether you like it or not.
Henry: Land it where?! We're gonna crash!
Katie: Would you grow a sense of adventure or shut up and
assume the position? We're coming in.
Henry: That's supposed to be my line. Now, can we just -- can we just talk about this for a minute?
Katie: No time for talk. Time for action.
[ Henry and Katie scream ]

Craig: The meeting's at worldwide tonight. Yes, Cass, I know it's expensive. Thank you for your expertise, but I think it's worth the risk to undermine Lucinda's position. Oh, good. Good. I'm glad you remember I'm the client. I'll messenger the money over. Just wait for the call, all right? Yes, thanks to Barbara, my money worries are over for the moment. Just be ready to post bail when necessary, okay?
Simon: You wanted to see me. I'm here.
Craig: And in a hurry, I assume.
Simon: Yeah. Was that your lawyer on the phone?
Craig: It was.
Simon: All right. Well, if you can pay him, then you can afford to pay me right now.
Craig: All right. Would you like a drink first?
Simon: No. No, what I would like is for you to cough up what you owe me, or I'll start spilling secrets. See, I've learned a lot of them while being in your employ. And I don't think you want me sharing them with the rest of the world, do you, Craig?

Simon: What? What, are you gonna write me a check?
Craig: Well, I don't usually carry around large amounts around in small bills. But if you wait, I can pay you --
Simon: No, no, I want this right now. But that check better not bounce.
Craig: Well, since my rich wife's wedding present was a joint checking account, I can safely say --
Simon: Great. I'm dying to get out of this place.
Craig: Mm-hmm. Hey, what do you hear from Katie? Didn't you say she was camping or something?
Simon: Or something.
Craig: Do you want me to give her your good-byes?
Simon: Just write the check, please.
Craig: But, you know, you won't get very far on this paltry sum.
Simon: Far enough.
Craig: Okay, but once you're overseas, you're going to be scrounging around again. Huh? Not very cost-effective, considering the time and effort you've put into this place.
Simon: What are you getting at?
Craig: Well, you could make some real money if you stuck it out for one more tiny assignment.
Simon: Oh, man, you are something else. Working for you is like a never-ending jigsaw puzzle. You know, there are no boundaries and you never get to see the big picture.
Craig: Still, a lot more interesting than a two-bit mechanic job.
Simon: No, no, at least working in the garage, I get to see a regular paycheck.
Craig: All right, suit yourself. It's a shame to see you pass up a million-dollar haul when all we're really talking about is a night's work.
Simon: All right, stop writing. Stop writing. I'm curious, fine.
Craig: I thought you might be.
Simon: So tell me more about this million dollars.

Simon: So who are you going after this time?
Craig: Don't sweat that. I will handle all the dirty work. All you have to do is repair one small glitch.
Simon: Which is?
Craig: Gabriel frank. I find myself in need of his rather unique services.
Simon: Oh, well, that's a shame 'cause he's in jail.
Craig: Partly because I double-crossed him.
Simon: Oh, great, great, great. Way to burn a bridge.
Craig: Yes, but money can repair a bridge very quickly. In fact, I have an offer that will thrill Mr. Frank. But I can't pass it on to him in person.
Simon: Why?
Craig: Well, partly because I've said he was blackmailing me in public so my wife and the police would view my visitation to him with some suspicion.
Simon: Right, so you just want me to go to the jail and talk to him? Is this it?
Craig: Nothing that overt. You're my brother-in-law. People know you work for me.
Simon: Like Margo.
Craig: And Detective Jack.
Simon: Okay, if neither one of us can go and talk to the prisoner, then how do you expect to get this offer to him?
Craig: I want you to get yourself arrested.

Simon: I am not gonna get myself arrested.
Craig: Well, I'm not asking you to commit a felony here. I'm just asking you to get thrown in the holding tank a couple hours.
Simon: Oh, that's all. Right, right. You're making it sound like it's nothing.
Craig: Well, it's nowhere you haven't been before after your midnight ride through Lucinda's foyer.
Simon: Yeah, for which I'm still paying off the damages, the drunk-driving fines.
Craig: This time, any fines are on me.
Simon: I'm not doing it.
Craig: Simon, this is a piece of cake. You have a couple of drinks, you start an argument with me, the bartender calls the cops.
Simon: Yeah, the cops come in. They haul me away. And then, I face, what, up to five years in prison?
Craig: And who's gonna press charges? Me? I'll take care of the hotel. The most you'll get is a citation for public drunkenness, disorderly behavior and my attorneys waiting to bail you out. Huh? Think about it. A couple hours.
Simon: What, and you'll pay me a million bucks?
Craig: Yeah, as soon as I make my next acquisition.
Simon: Okay, when's that gonna be?
Craig: Soon.
Simon: Oh, where have I heard that before?
Craig: Simon, Simon, Simon. A million dollars for a couple of hours in a jail cell. Huh?
Simon: All right. So what do you want me to tell this guy?
Craig: All you have to do is pass on the details of the offer in the note to Gabriel.
Simon: No way! This could be a bomb threat. This could be anything. No way. Just write me the check now.
Craig: I'm not asking you to do this, Simon, because I like you. This is the deal of a lifetime for me. I wouldn't put anything in this note that would jeopardize me or put anything that would lead the cops back to me.
Simon: Fine, then tell me what it says.
Craig: The less you know, the more comfortable you'll be with your money, huh? David, David? Can we have a double-shot of bourbon for my friend right here?

Craig: That's all there is to it. You get arrested, you pass the note to Gabriel, you cal my attorney and get bailed out.
Simon: So if I'm gonna make a million dollars from one day's work, then you're gonna net -- ?
Craig: Billions.
Simon: Let's hope the cops don't find this when they book me.
Craig: Tell them it's a love note from your wife or something.
Simon: I hate bourbon.
Craig: David, can we have another for my friend?
Simon: Yeah, David. Just keep them coming.
Craig: Thank you.
Simon: Cheers.
Craig: Cheers.
Simon: Understand this -- you double-cross me, or you welsh on this, I swear to god, I will make you pay.
Craig: Yes. As you so generously pointed out, you do know secrets.
Simon: Yes, I do, enough to at least fill a deposition or two.
Craig: Have I ever failed to live up to a promise?
Simon: No, you have-- not yet. But don't start confusing me with Gabriel frank.
Craig: The accent's a dead giveaway.
Simon: Hey, hey, David. Please, can you fill it up? A man's not a camel. Come on.
Bartender: Hey, pal, are you in a race or something?
Simon: Listen, man, why don't you just mind your own business?
Craig: Simon, maybe you have had enough to drink.
Simon: Yeah. [ Simon throws his drink at Craig ] Oh, well, hey, it's just this drinking problem I've got. You know, sometimes, I miss my mouth. [ Tray clangs ] come on, Craig! You want to say that about my wife, and you expect me to do nothing?!
Bartender: You need to calm down. Yo, relax.
Simon: Come on, Craig. Get up so I can knock you down again.
Bartender: Mr. Montgomery, you okay?
Craig: Yeah, I'm okay.
Simon: Let me go!
Bartender: Calm down, or I'm gonna call the cops.
Simon: Fine, call the cops. Call the marines for all I care!
Bartender: I'll call the cops.
Simon: You're gonna need them.

Cop #1: Do you want to press charges for assault and battery?
Craig: No, that's all right. He's my brother-in-law, an employee. He was just drinking too much. Just put him in the holding tank for a little while, let him sober up.
Cop #1: Yeah, we'll put him in for public drunkenness.
Craig: Yeah, good. Do you mind if I have a minute with him?
Cop #1: No. Go ahead.
Craig: Thank you. Officer, may I have a word with him? Too right --
Simon: Do not cross me.
Cop #2: You have the right to remain silent.
Simon: Yeah, yeah, blah, blah.
Cop #2: If you abuse that right --
Craig: Ooh, Lucinda. We're going to have fun tonight.

Gabriel: A proposition from Monty? Oh, well, that's tempting. Since his last little venture left me penniless, in jail, with a knife in my back.
Simon: Okay, all right, and I've got to say, Craig regrets absolutely all of that.
Gabriel: You tell that treacherous cur he can take his proposition, wrap it in broken glass and stick it.
Simon: Whoa, hey. I get the point.
Gabriel: No, you tell him I have a very, very long memory and lots of friends. He will hear from me again.
Simon: Fine. End of story.
Gabriel: End of Monty.
Simon: You're facing some pretty tough charges, though, aren't you? You'll be doing some very hard time.
Gabriel: Yeah, if it holds up in court.
Simon: Oh, it will. Yeah, it will. Craig will see to that. But doing hard time is nothing for you, right? You've done it before, so no sweat, yeah?
Gabriel: Yeah, right.
Simon: So what's it like?
Gabriel: It's awful.
Simon: And what did Ruby do the whole time you were inside?
Gabriel: Is there a purpose to these questions?
Simon: Look, I went to all the trouble of getting myself locked up, and I can't get out until I sober up. So, look, I'm killing time.
Gabriel: They took her to the ladies' lock-up. Piglets were afraid I'd influence her story or concoct a lie.
Simon: Wow, imagine that. Poor little Ruby with no boys to play with. That must be tough.
Gabriel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's my daughter you're talking about.
Simon: And if you want to get yourselves out of this mess without faking a second death, then I suggest you listen up.
Gabriel: What do you propose?
Simon: A way out of here.
Gabriel: What's the price?
Simon: One small, little favor for Craig Montgomery.
Gabriel: One small favor?

Gabriel: A favor, huh? Well, what favor does Monty want from me now, huh? A kidney? A lung? Or just another fall guy for one of his little plans? Forget it.
Simon: Look, Craig's attorney is waiting at the courtroom right now, prepared to arrange whatever bail is necessary for your release.
Gabriel: Provided I do this small favor.
Simon: Yep.
Gabriel: Well, it's a very, very generous offer, but what's the catch?
Simon: Catch? Catch? It's catch-free.
Gabriel: Okay. Once I make bail, I could just disappear. Blink of an eye.
Simon: And that's a risk that Craig's willing to take.
Gabriel: Interesting. What small favor is worth losing a small fortune?
Simon: Oh, finally, you ask. Excuse me, right here -- it's all in there.
Gabriel: Yes. It should be simple enough.
Simon: Yeah? So what's it say?
Gabriel: It says, "don't tell Simon."
Simon: Fair enough. Fair enough. All right, so once you've sprung, collect whatever you need for the job. Get yourself to Lakeview in disguise once you've done whatever is in the envelope. And Craig will give you the money for Ruby's bail, and then the two of you, you're history.
Gabriel: It's a lot of money to lose. Craig must want us gone really badly.
Simon: I think Craig can afford it.
Gabriel: So is he still going for the mother lode?
Simon: That is something that you don't need to know. But what Craig needs to know is, are you in or out?
Gabriel: I'm in.
Simon: Very smart move. Guard! Yo, guard! I ready need to make that phone call! Right now.

[ Oakdale Police Station - Squad Room ]

Jack: Your receipts for Gabriel Frank's bail.
Cass: Thanks, Jack.
Gabriel: Does this mean I'm free to go?
Jack: Your lawyer will contact you about your upcoming court date.
[ Gabriel laughs ]
Gabriel: Oh, yes, the court date. Apart from that?
Jack: Your work is done here.
Gabriel: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. Miles to go before I sleep. Thank you.
Cass: I'll be in touch, Gabriel.
Gabriel: A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. Bye-bye.
Cass: Well.
Simon: All right, what's this?
Cass: That's an engraved invitation to your arraignment. It starts in an hour.
Simon: How bad does it look?
Cass: Craig smoothed things over at the Lakeview, so you won't have to worry about them pressing charges.
Simon: Good, well, that's a relief.
Cass: And from what I hear, we're getting a pretty lenient judge. So if things keep going our way, you can expect a small fine at most.
Simon: Thanks a lot. Let's go to court.
Cass: Let's go.