Simon: Come on, Katie. Let's get moving or we'll miss the train. I have no intention of walking to Bay City. We're only going for three nights. What's all this?
Katie: Well, I couldn't decide what to wear, so I brought a selection. That way you can have your choice of what to see me in.
Simon: All right, all right. There and there -- I chose. Let's go.
Katie: Simon! Wait, wait, wait! What if one of those is the bag that has my lingerie in it? I'm telling you, Simon, you will never forgive yourself.
Simon: I'll live.

The Train

Katie: Where is your sense of adventure, Simon? We couldn't afford a nice tropical holiday, so the least we can do is pretend this train is something mysterious and exotic.
Simon:: All right, that's it. I'm not lugging this stuff any further. We're sitting here.
Katie: Okay. Oh, this is so exciting! I feel like I'm on the Orient Express. I wish we could just spend our whole honeymoon sitting here, watching the world go by.
Simon: Yeah, I took a long train trip like that once.
Katie: Yeah? Where'd you go? Europe?
Simon: No. It was the Patagonian Express from Vancouver all the way down to the tip of Chile.
Katie: Wow.
Simon: I don't know about wow. I was so broke I had to ride in the open-air cattle car, wedged in between two heffers.
Katie: You're amazing.
Simon: Why -- 'cause I've spent half my life as a penniless wanderer?
Katie: No, 'cause you're an adventurer. Everything you do is an adventure.
Simon: Like this fake honeymoon? You know, I would hardly call that "adventure."
Katie: Well, I think it is.
Simon: Look, Katie, don't get too dazzled by adventure. You'll make the same mistake I did.
Katie: What do you mean?
Simon: I did so much traveling to try and find out what life was really about. When the whole time, everything you need to know is right here.
Katie: You say the sweetest things, even if they're not about me. I think I'm gonna take a little nap before it gets too rowdy in here, okay?

Conductor: This stop, Rochelle! Rochelle, Illinois! You may use all the doors!
Katie: I'm hungry. You know, I did think ahead, and I packed some snacks. But they're were in my bag, the one that you made me leave behind. So the least you can do is make it up to me.
Simon:: And I'm sure you're going to tell me how.
Katie: Can you go to the club car and just get us a sandwich --
Simon: No! No. No, there's no way I'm going to fight my way through all those drunkards. Look, I don't think you're going to starve if you don't eat right this minute.
Katie: Simon, it's our honeymoon!
Simon: It's a -- it's a pretend, fake honeymoon, Katie. Look, we don't have much farther to go. Please, can't you wait until we get to the motel?
Katie: Fine, but if I'm going to starve, I'm going to starve while I'm sleeping. I'm going back to sleep.
[A disguised Lily slips into the seat across from Simon and gets his attention]

[Simon wakes Katie up]
Katie: Are we there?
Simon: No. Did the announcement wake you up?
Katie: What announcement?
Simon: The announcement. They're giving away free champagne in the dining car. I thought you were thirsty.
Katie:Yeah, champagne doesn't exactly qualify as a thirst quencher.
Simon: Look, it's better than nothing. And it's free. Go on. Go and get some.
Katie: Okay. I guess you're right.
Simon: Here, here, here. Oh, you know what? I'm pretty hungry after all. Can you -- can you please grab me a sandwich while you're up there?
Katie: Oh, that's just great. We can only eat when you're hungry? All right, fine. What do you want?
Simon:Liverwurst. And if they don't have that, head cheese. And if they don't have that, just the -- the regulars -- ham, turkey, whatever. And can you get them to make it fresh? I don't like those plastic-wrapped deals.
Katie: This is a train, not a gourmet shop. I don't even know how I'm going to get back through all these people with all that stuff in my hand.
Simon: Don't worry. It'll be fine. Just, just, if you're not back soon I'll come and get you. All right? Just stay put, and I'll come looking for you. Go on. Go.
Katie: Great.
Simon:Thanks.
[Katie leaves and Simon/Lily mushy dialogue ensues.]

[Simon and Lily are making out in the empty train car. Katie calls from another car]
Katie: Simon! Simon, can you come here for a second? Simon!
[A disguised Lily runs past Katie knocking the tray she was carrying in her arms to the ground]
Katie:: Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, I think I have the right-of-way -- oh, I don't believe this!
Lily: Sorry, sorry.
Katie: Wait, your not even gonna help me clean it up?!
Simon: Hey, what happened? I must've dozed off.
Katie:Oh, I just spilled our whole tray of food!
Simon: Oh, you poor thing. What'd you trip over, did you?
Katie:: No, I didn't trip. Some idiot woman in the most ridiculous outfit slammed into me and made me spill it all.
Simon:Sit down, relax --
Katie: She didn't come back to help me clean it up.
Simon: It's all right.
Katie: Look at this!
Simon: It's not so bad.
Katie:: Yes, it is. It's ruined. Now I'm starving. I had to cold-cock some old woman just to get that last sandwich.
Simon: Shh, it's all right. Here, here -- there -- have a bit there. [Simon breaks off a bite of his sandwich and feeds it to Katie] See, is that better? Now that bit was hardly very wet.
Katie: Yeah, that bit. You know the worst part was? I was standing in the middle of the aisle at midnight and there was no one there to give me a New Year's kiss.
[Katie goes to kiss Simon and he changes the subject]
Simon: Hey, look, look, look -- it's Bay City. We're almost there. You can see the sky lights in the distance. All right, tomorrow night we are gonna have a three -- five-course meal. Champagne, the works.
Katie: Well, it will be kind of nice to wake up in a hotel room. Mmm, we can have breakfast in bed every day.
Simon: Sure.
Katie:Oh, and we can go ice skating. I really wanna go ice skating. Do you skate?
Simon: No, I've never been before. But you know what? I'm gonna give it a go.
Katie: I bet you'll be really good at it. You're good at everything. You know, I'm glad that Craig gave us the money to do this, even though I did have to endure that awful evening with my family in return. You know, it was like they were all together on some sort of intervention, you know? I can't believe that, the whole family, Margo and Tom and Craig, and they dragged my mother into it. Well, I don't care what they say, they're never gonna convince me that this was a mistake. [Cell phone ringing] Oh. Oh, no. I forgot to turn this off. I'm sorry. Oh. I might want to answer this. Hello?
Holden Katie.
Katie: Holden, Hi. Long time no hear.
Holden: I was calling -- I didn't think you were gonna answer your phone. I was gonna leave you a message.
Katie: Well, when you're on your honeymoon, sleep isn't really a priority.
Holden: Answering your cell phone is?
Katie: So, Holden, if you're calling to invite me out on a date, just because you and Lily aren't together anymore, you can forget about it, because I'm a married woman now, and I am not gonna cheat.
Holden: I'm calling about some unfinished business, dating back to when you were at WOAK.
Katie: Oh. Oh -- oh, good.[To Simon] This is business, it'll just take minute. So you're back at the station, huh? I heard you left.
Holden: I did. But I'm here to look for something in the archives. Do you remember that footage that we edited together of the horse show last year?
Katie: Oh, yeah, of course, the "Hale-Gardner Horse Show." What do you need it for?
Holden: Well, the tape is missing. Do you have any idea what happened to it?
Katie: Yeah, actually, I know exactly what happened to it. Henry took it.
Holden: Henry? You sure about that?
Katie: Mm-hmm. I'm positive. I saw him leaving the building with it, and when I asked him what he was doing with company property, he told me to be a good little girl and go back in my seat. You know Henry.
Holden: How long ago was this?
Katie: Hmm, I don't know, a week or two after the horse show.
Holden: Okay, Katie. Thank you.
[Holden hangs up, but Katie fakes the call for a bit longer]
Katie: Okay, Holden. No, sure, anytime. Mm-hmm. Bye-bye. [hangs up] [To Simon]I think he feels bad for the way he treated me. He was wanting to make up or something, but don't worry. Holden is a non-issue for me now. I'm all yours.

A Bay City Hotel

[Katie clears throat.]
Simon: Ah, sorry, Katie, I already carried you across one threshold, and that was pushing it.
Katie: You're so romantic.
Simon: Hopefully, the I.N.S. got some happy snaps for their scrapbook.
Katie: We did have a pretty crazy wedding, though, didn't we? Rushing through our vows, being two steps ahead of you being deported. That is the kind of story that you tell the kids -- if we were to have kids, which, of course, we won't.
Simon: I'm gonna take a shower.
Katie: Ohh, that's a good idea. Mind if I join?
Simon: You know the ground rules, Katie. This is a honeymoon in name only.
Katie: Well, a girl can wish, can't she? Listen, why don't I go downstairs and get us something to eat at the Quickie-Mart, and you can take your shower solo?
Simon: Fine. But why don't you just skip the food and go straight to bed?
Katie: Because we have something to celebrate, and I think it's a little too late for room service.
Simon: Sure. Whatever.
Katie: Really? You're the best.
[Katie leaves]
[Katie is outside the door while Lily and Simon scramble to hide Lily]
Katie: Simon. I'm back. I forgot my key.
Simon: Just a minute!
Katie: Come on, give a girl a break.
Simon: Yeah, coming, coming. Psst, wait.
[Katie opens the door]
[Lily is eavesdropping in on the whole conversation in the closet]
Katie: What took you so long?
Simon: I fell asleep.
Katie: Oh, again? You know, you should probably get your blood pressure checked. Either that or you have narcolepsy. Listen, I'm so excited. I got two passion fruit slurpees, hot dogs and nachos with cheese.
Simon: Look, maybe we should go out and get something to eat. This isn't very appetizing.
Katie: Dream on, honey, the whole town's closed. But tomorrow, you're taking me to the Harbor Club. And the night after that, this place called Carlino's, which the guy downstairs said is the most amazing Italian place.
Simon: Oh, come on, let's go out now. There has to be someplace open.
Katie: Yeah, the all-night diner, if you like dysentery with your coffee. Come on, let's just relax. You can take that shower, okay?
Simon: What are you doing?
Katie: I'm getting comfortable. Come on, try and enjoy it. Most guys would give their eyeteeth for this.

Simon: No, no, no, don't do that. Here, put this on. Try this.
Katie: My, my, my, Simon, aren't we the prude? Or maybe it's second time jitters, huh? Mmm, it has your scent.
Simon:Oh, all right, come on, you need to go clear your head. Let's go out and get some fresh air.
Katie: No, not like this. Come on, you and I need to concentrate on getting to know each other. We are supposed to be studying for the I.N.S., Remember? Sit down, would you? You're making me nervous. Okay, let's play "Who Wants to Be a U.S. Citizen." Now, the agent said that the questions are going to be very personal, so let's get started. First topic, sex.
Simon: All right, I might have narcolepsy, but you're turning into a nymphomaniac.
Katie: The proof that our marriage is real is in the little details, Simon. And we both know that the best way to learn is hands-on experience.
Simon: Not if the parties have a hands-off policy.
Katie: All right, fine. If you're gonna play hard to get, then we'll just limit our sexual education to talking. Let's see, sample topics -- what I like, what I don't. What turns on you on. First instance, I love when guys kiss my ear and then slide their tongue --
Simon: Oh, all right -- okay. That's enough of that. Why don't we just start with the basics -- how we met, how we supposedly fell in love.
Katie: Okay. Fine, we'll talk about love then.
Simon: Good. Well, it all started with a photograph. And I knew I had to find her. First, I didn't deserve her. So, to prove my love, I had to give up the thing that I thought I wanted most in this life. And when I did, I got back more than I ever dreamed possible. She makes me feel like the richest man on earth, even though I don't have a cent. And when we finally get to be together, like really together in every sense of the word, my life will be complete.
Katie: Ah, that's very, very nice. But I already told the I.N.S. some things about us. So we'll probably just have to stick to that.
Simon: What? What did you tell them?
Katie: Well, I told them that you loved me so much that you wove me a crown of daisies. You put the crown on my head, and you called me your queen. That's what I told Agent Halliwell.
Simon: No, no, no, no. No, you didn't. You didn't.
Katie: Yes, I did. They were after you, and I had to divert them from you, so I sent them to Luther's Corners. I said you were there looking for more daisies to make me another crown.
Simon: Katie, I don't believe this. I have to publicly admit that I wove you a crown of daisies and called you my queen?
Katie: Well, I'm so sorry you're embarrassed, but I guess we're gonna have to stick to it, because the I.N.S. Probably already has it in their files.
Simon: Oh, fine. That is enough talk about all this tonight. Okay?
Katie: Fine. I'm gonna brush my teeth. And would it kill you to at least say that I would look beautiful in a crown of daisies?
[Katie goes into the bathroom and Simon gets Lily out of the room]

[Katie opens to door to find Simon in the hallway]
Katie: Simon? Where did you go?
Simon: I just went to find a soda machine. No luck. I hate slurpees. All right, my turn.
[Simon goes into the bathroom while Katie finds a bracelet on the floor. Flashback of Holden showing Katie the bracelet he was going to give Lily]
Katie: What's this? This is Lily's.

Simon: All righty then. I'm gonna hit the sack. What are you doing? Checking for the I.N.S.? Katie, I don't think they followed us.
Katie: What was Lily doing here?
Simon: What? What are you talking about?
Katie: This is her bracelet. I found it on the floor.
Simon: That? No, it's not. That's not hers.
Katie:Yes, it is.
Simon: No, it isn't.
Katie: Yes, it is! Holden showed it to me. He got it for a present last year.
Simon: You're kidding. You mean -- Katie, that's a coincidence. This -- I bought this for you. I had no idea that Lily had the same bracelet.
Katie: Oh, really? How did you afford it?
Simon: Well, it isn't real. Not that you don't deserve that. I wanted to buy you a gift to thank you for the risk that you took in marrying me. And when I can afford it, I promise you, I will -- I'll buy you something so much more beautiful.
Katie: Oh, I love it. Now when the I.N.S. asks me if you got me a present, I can say yes. I'm gonna wear it tonight to bed, okay? I'm gonna wear it always. Can I have a hug? Just a hug.
Simon: Yeah, sure.
Katie: No guy's ever given me something so beautiful.
Simon: We should go to bed. It's been a long day.
Katie: Good night, Simon Frasier. I think you're the greatest.
Simon: Good night, Katie.

Katie: Oh, isn't it great to be home?
Simon: Yeah, it's great.
Katie: But it's fun to get away, too. Oh, our hotel room in Bay City was so beautiful. Did you have a good time?
Simon: Yeah, it had its moments.
Katie:: New Year's Eve was pretty great, too, huh? Oh, I wish I would have remembered to bring the pickled herring.
Simon: Pickled what?
Katie: You're supposed to eat pickled herring on New Year's Eve so that the next year you have lots of money.
Simon: Right. What if you eat nachos?
Katie: It doesn't mean a thing. You know, the problem with traveling is that you get kind of grimy. You mind if I take the first shower?
Simon: No, go right ahead. I'll check the voice mail.
Katie: I love this bracelet. I can't believe you bought it for me. It was so sweet for a wedding present. I mean, I know it's for the I.N.S. and everything, but I still love it, even if it is a copy of the one Lily has.
[Katie notices a monogram on her bracelet]
Simon: Better get a move on, Katie. Agent Halliwell wants us in his office for another Q & A.
Katie: Yeah, I have a pretty big "Q" for you, Simon.
Simon: Yeah, what's that?
Katie: What was Lily Snyder doing on our honeymoon?

Katie: Read the inscription.
Simon: Why? Why?
Katie: Because this is not a fake. It's the real thing. This is Lily's bracelet.
Simon: I don't see any inscription.
Katie: It says -- it says right here -- "To my L., Love H." Good thing I have 20/20 vision.
Simon: Here, put this on before you catch cold.
Katie: Oh, what are we doing, playing "Simon says" now?
Simon:No, I think you have to calm down.
Katie: That's why you were trying to get rid of me the whole time! Where was she hiding, huh, Simon, under the bed?
Simon: Who?
Katie: Lily! She followed us to Bay City! She was in our hotel room. Don't deny it! You dragged along your mistress.
Simon: I didn't drag Lily anywhere. She knew we were going to Bay City, and she wanted to surprise me.
Katie: How could she do that? We were on our honeymoon.
Simon: A make-believe honeymoon, Katie.
Katie: Does that give you any right to keep me in the dark? Why didn't you just tell me Lily was there?
Simon: I don't know. I didn't want to upset you.
Katie: You know what upsets me? Being made a fool of. Don't you ever do it again!
Simon: Or what?! What, you'll leave? I don't want to be cruel Katie, but you're here because you want be and you have no where else to go. And for the next two years, I don't either! So this situation, imperfect as it is, serves us both.
Katie: Not if you and your married lover are laughing at me behind my back.
Simon: Oh, come on. Please, stop acting like the betrayed bride.
Katie: Then what am I, Simon?
Simon: Someone who's forgetting what this arrangement is all about. The reason, only reason I am enduring any of this is so that one day I can be with Lily. And I have never deceived you about that.
Katie: Fine. But when you and I made this arrangement, no one ever said anything about sharing a hotel room with Lily. You may love her, but I don't, Simon.
Simon: Okay, okay, maybe we handled it badly, and I'm sorry. But it's over with.
Katie: How do you know it's over?
Simon: Oh, just give it a rest!
Katie: Do you think I was the only one who was clued that we were having a honeymoon built for three?
Simon: Well, who else are you worried about?
Katie: Someone could've found out, Simon! The wrong person could blow the whistle on this whole thing in a heartbeat!

Simon: If you're afraid someone might have followed us, I think we would have found out by now. No one knows Lily was there.
Katie: How do you know?
Simon: Because she was only there a few minutes and nothing happened, okay? So there was nothing to see!
Katie: What is she saving it for?
Simon: Stop it, you have no right.
Katie: I have every right! I'm your wife, and if you two lovebirds can't learn to accept that, how is the I.N.S. going to.
Simon: Well, maybe it isn't worth it, you know? Trying to make this sham marriage work!
Katie: No, no, don't you try and back out of this now. You got me into this -- you and your mistress!
Simon: Do not call her that. Lily is not my mistress!
Katie: Oh, sorry, most people who are having an affair actually have sex.
Simon: You know what you're trying to do? You're trying to make what happened in Bay City an attack against you, and it wasn't.
Katie: I could go to jail for you, Simon! I put myself on the line.
Simon: I know that.
Katie: Can't we just at least have a few weeks to get our act together before Lily comes knocking at the door, begging for a sleepover? Agent Halliwell knows that she wants you. He is waiting for her to blow our cover. I wouldn't be surprised if he knew already that she was with us on our honeymoon!
Simon: He doesn't -- he doesn't know that.
Katie: Why do you think he wants to see us this afternoon?
Simon: Because when we got back, he wanted us to check in.
Katie: What if he has pictures of you and Lily? What if some undercover I.N.S. Agent took pictures?
Simon:That is ridiculous. I told you, we weren't there long enough.
Katie: She was there long enough to drop her anniversary gift from Holden.
Simon: Look, the I.N.S. are not the FBI. We are not on the ten-most-wanted list.
Katie: Well, I think for your own safety, you should stay away from Lily Snyder. Not forever -- two years. Can you be a faithful husband for at least two years?
Simon: That wasn't part the deal.
Katie: Yeah, well, it is now! Starting today at the I.N.S. Office, or you and I could be headed for twin chain gangs!

Agent Halliwell's Office

Simon: Katie's car had broken down and she was trying to thumb a ride into town. You know, she just looked so bedraggled, I had to stop. She was crying.
Halliwell: Because her car broke down? Why is that such a tragedy?
Simon: Well, the thing is, it wasn't her car. It was her brother, Craig's, and she was afraid he was gonna get angry.
Halliwell: So, you wanted to cheer her up.
Simon: Right, yes. Well, there were these wild daisies growing along the side of the road. You know, so what I did -- I wove a crown of flowers and put it on her head.
Halliwell: Good place for a crown.
Simon: Yeah, oh, she looked just like a queen.
Halliwell: You're a real poet, Mr. Frasier. You know, this courtship reminds one of when knighthood was still in flower.
Simon: Sure, if you say so.
Halliwell: You know, I was just remarking to someone about your many talents. World traveler, mechanic, architect -- I just heard that today -- and now floral designer. Mrs. Gordon, would you ask Mrs. Frasier to step in here, please?

Simon: Hey!
Katie: Hi, babe.
Simon: Have a seat.
Katie: Thank you.
Halliwell: Well, you both get an A-plus on your oral exams. Call me crazy, but it sure sounds as if you newlyweds did your homework on your honeymoon.
Katie: Work? Did you say work? Learning love is pure joy. I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know him.
Halliwell: How does it feel, Simon, to have such a beautiful young woman talk about you in such glowing terms?
Simon: Are you kidding me? It feels amazing, why wouldn't it?
Halliwell: I can think of a reason why.
Katie:You know, Mr. Halliwell, I think you're embarrassing Simon. You know, he's Australian. So they don't really talk about their feelings as openly as we do. So if that'll be all for today, then we'll get going --
Halliwell: Sit down, Mrs. Frasier. We're not through here yet. You wanna know why your stories don't sound right?
Katie: I thought you said we both got an A-plus?
Halliwell: Exactly. That's what's wrong with them. No two people -- no matter how passionate or in love they are -- tell the same story in exactly the same way. See, we like to hear the C-minus stories. They ring true because they're not right. They get it wrong. They're not rehearsed. Now, I just told you a trade secret. Now it's your turn to share.
Simon: Haven't we shared enough for one day?
Halliwell: You'd like to think so, wouldn't you? But see, I know you're lying. And it puts a real crimp in my day when people lie to me.
Katie: We're not lying. We are happily married.
Halliwell: I wish I could believe that, Mrs. Frasier. I wish I could move on to the next case, but not until I hear the truth. That you're forcing this young woman to participate in a charade that will cost her a prison term -- five years, to be exact -- and a $250,000 fine. But I suggest that even without criminal prosecution, this so-called marriage will be sufficient punishment.
Katie: You know, you can't call us frauds, Agent Halliwell, because we know that in our hearts that we're not.
Halliwell: Except that there's a third party involved, Lily Snyder.
Simon: Yeah, just leave her out of this.
Halliwell: I can't. Because I have information that Lily Snyder accompanied you on your honeymoon trip.
Katie: Oh, now I've heard everything. That's ridiculous.
Halliwell: No, your marriage is ridiculous. And, if you come clean about it, Mrs. Frasier, I might not press charges. Think about it, while you still have a chance.

Halliwell: People in your situation often feel they don't have any options, but you do.
Katie: I thank you so much for being so kind to me, Mr. Halliwell. I know that you truly have my best interests at heart. But Lily Snyder on our honeymoon? It's absolutely not true. I swear that I never saw her. Word of honor.
Halliwell: Maybe she was hiding under the bed.
Katie: Or in the closet.
[Katie coughing]
Halliwell: Are you all right?
Katie:I just need a bit of water.
Halliwell: I'll be right back.
Simon: What's wrong with you?
Katie: What do you think? You scared me half to death. You and your stupid girlfriend are gonna --
Simon: Shh! Keep your voice down, they might be listening.
Katie: You, they'll only deport. Me, I get five years and a lifetime of debt.
Simon: He's not gonna do that. He was just trying to scare you. That's all.
Katie: Yeah, well, he certainly succeeded.
Simon: Come on, Katie, let's not forget -- this whole marriage idea was yours, not mine.
Katie: That's before I knew Lily was such a bloodhound and would be following you everywhere we go. No, she is ruining this for us.
Simon: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? What am I gonna tell Halliwell?
Katie: Does it matter?
Simon: Don't do this, please.
Katie: Get your hands off of me! Ohh, that's something I should have done a long time ago.
[Katie throws the bracelet at Simon and leaves. Simon tries to cover the bracelet with his foot. Agent Halliwell Returns as Katie is leaving.]
Halliwell: Mrs. Frasier, you forgot your water. Lovers' quarrel? [Agent Halliwell makes Simon lift his foot to remove the bracelet] A gift from her devoted hubby?

Simon: Katie's just very upset, that's all.
Halliwell: Yeah, I would be, too, if I were facing a prison term.
Simon: Please don't provoke my wife. She's very sensitive.
Halliwell: Oh, you're breaking my heart.
Simon: Yeah, I can tell.
Halliwell: You know, while I'm passing out warnings, Frasier, here's one for you -- that sensitive little wife of yours, she's gonna give you up. So I'd pack my bags if I were you.
Simon: Yeah? Well, you're not me.
Halliwell: If your wife is as upset as you say she is, you might be better off in Australia.
Simon: Mr. Halliwell, if you had any real evidence, I'd already be on my way.
Halliwell: Oh, I've got evidence, just not enough.
Simon: You've got nothing. You've got just a lot of threats and theories.
Halliwell: I've been at this game a long time. I've got radar, ESP.
Simon: Spooky. What, you read minds?
Halliwell: I read people, and I'm right 90% of the time. And we both know I'm right about you.
Simon: Is that all? Am I dismissed?
Halliwell: And I'm right about your wife. She wants it all. And if she doesn't get it -- Mrs. Frasier is not the type to risk prison for a man that doesn't love her.

Lily Walsh Snyder Mansion, Living Room

Lily: Oh, no.
Katie: Excuse me for not calling first, but you don't exactly stand on ceremony, so why should I?
Lily: Oh, I don't know what you're doing here, but this really isn't a good time. Faith is just about to wake up from her nap --
Katie: Oh, spare me the devoted mother routine. You didn't really mind that your children were alone on New Year's Eve, did you?
Lily: What are you talking about?
Katie: You crashed my honeymoon, you selfish wench! I am so sick of you. You think you're so superior, don't you? Well, think again, because Halliwell -- you know the I.N.S. Agent -- he's on to you. He knows exactly what you did. So don't ever even think about doing something that stupid again, okay? From now on, I want you to stay away from Simon. I'm warning you -- stay out of my marriage, stay out of my life.

Simon: Lily.
Katie: Simon?
Simon: Yeah?
Katie: Hey, you got a second?
Simon: Yeah, what is it, Katie? I'm kind of busy.
Katie: Um -- I guess I just wanted to say I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with lately. But ever since Halliwell threatened to put me in jail --
Simon: Look, I've told you, Katie, that's not gonna happen. You have risked so much to help me stay in the country, and I'm not gonna forget that, okay?
Katie: Okay.
Simon: Is there anything else?
Katie: Yeah. It's just that you've been so incredibly patient and sweet to me, I guess I just kind of wanted to make it up to you.

Simon: We have been through this before. We are not ever going to have a repeat performance of that night.
Katie: Is that what you think? You think that I was coming on to you? No, Simon, that's not what I was doing.
Simon: Okay, then, I'm sorry. It's just something about the way you said "Make it up to you."
Katie: Look, I know I've come on to you before.
Simon: Yeah.
Katie: But that's not gonna happen anymore, okay? In fact, I'm very upset with myself about how I've been acting the past couple weeks. You know, if we're gonna live together for the next couple years to convince the I.N.S. that this marriage is real, I think we need to be friends.
Simon: Friends, right.
Katie: No, no. I know I've said that before, but, this time, I really mean it. I mean, we've been looking at the next two years like they're some kind of jail sentence, but, I don't know, I think that, if we genuinely like and respect each other, and if we're open and honest, I think the next couple years could just fly by.
Simon: Well, I don't know about flying by, but it could certainly be a lot more pleasant.
Katie: I have something for you. I know your life hasn't exactly been very full lately, I mean, working in the garage and trying to support me, so -- just accept this, please, as a "Thank You."
[Simon opens the present and pulls out a guitar]
Simon: Wow. Katie -- wow. You shouldn't have.
Katie: I just know that you've been really sad lately, and I thought it might make you a little happier.
Simon: How did you afford it?
Katie: Well, it's second-hand. It was a pretty good deal, though. It's in great condition. It has a nice, warm sound.
Simon: Thank you. Thank you. I -- I don't know what to say.
Katie: Well, don't say anything. Just play it for me.
Simon: Play it? All right. Well, I'm a little rusty.

[Simon ends a song on the guitar]
Katie: Oh, that was so beautiful. Music really is a big part of you, isn't it?
Simon: Yeah, I guess so. You know, I normally take a guitar with me when I'm traveling. This is the first time I haven't. Some people write in a journal. I normally used to write a song.
Katie: You know, I knew that about you when I heard you play that night at Java Underground. I mean, there were millions of people there, and it was just you and your music. That happens with my mom, too. When she starts singing, it's like the world just falls away.
Simon: I hadn't realized, actually, how much I'd missed playing. This is an incredible gift. Thank you so much.
Katie: You're welcome so much. I think the next two years could be really exciting, you know? I mean, I told you, my mom's in the music business, so she knows tons of people in the industry. She's mad at me right now, which, knowing her, won't last for very long, I hope. But you're meant for bigger and better than this, you know? I'd love to be the one to help you.
Simon: Well, that's probably the best offer I've had in a very long time.
Katie: Will you play some more for me?
Simon: Sure.
[Lily slams the door]

Simon: Lily, you okay?
Lily: I'm fine. I just needed to see you.
Katie: What if the I.N.S. followed you here? If Agent Halliwell is out there right now --
Lily: He's not.
Katie: How can you be so sure? That guy is just salivating at the chance to prove that this marriage isn't real.
Lily: Because Rose is entertaining Agent Halliwell, even as we speak.
Simon: No. Rose is playing you? That's brilliant.
Lily: I know, but it's risky. But I had to take my chances, because it was the only way I could spend time with you.
Simon: This is too good to be true.
Lily: Yeah. We don't have much time, so can we go somewhere and talk?
Simon: Sure, of course.
Katie: I hate to rain on your parade, but what if Rose screws this up?
Lily:Rose is frighteningly convincing in pretending to be me. I didn't realize how convincing until today.
Simon: She'll stall Halliwell all right. Let's go.
Lily: Okay.
Simon: See you later, Katie.
[Door closes.]
Katie: Who does she think she is? She can't just walk in here and take over anytime she wants. No, this is not happening. Okay, think, think, think, think! I need to do something. I need someone to help me, someone that knows how to -- yeah, no, no, yeah. [Dials a number on the phone] Yes, hi, I need the number for Henry Coleman. Yes, Coleman.

Henry: Well, well, if it isn't the new bride in her new -- well, this ain't exactly "House Beautiful," is it?
Katie: Henry, you came.
Henry: Yeah, you're really doing the blue collar thing, huh? Does the resourceful Mr. Frasier clip grocery coupons, as well? I had to see this to believe it.
Katie: I was thinkin' we could kind of just skip the whole insulting digs thing.
Henry: Oh, oh, really. Really, why is that? The last time we talked was when? Oh, yes, I remember, it was my first day back in Oakdale. And what a welcome it was. You called me an idiot. You said that anyone who would hire me had to be brain dead. And lo and behold, you've been avoiding me ever since.
Katie: You know, I've been meaning to call you before today. You have been doing a fabulous job on "The Intruder."
Henry: Relax, relax, Peretti. You're laying it on thicker than corned beef on rye.
Katie: Speaking of a sandwich --
Henry: Ha, ha, ha, ha, skip the happy hostess routine. This is Henry. What do you want?
Katie: Nothing. I'm just being sociable.
Henry: Must be something big. Let's see -- money? Could you be chafing at the confines of your skid row life?
Katie: All right, fine. I need to pick your brain.
Henry: This is momentous. Katie and I on the same team again. It's like the Beatles getting back together, man. Before we brainstorm on our next new tune, though, I need a teensy-weensy little favor in return.
Katie: What, Henry?
Henry: Chris Hughes, your ex-bud, he's been snooping around in the windmills of my mind, and I have a feeling that the next stop will be you. So, I would appreciate it if you would let me know when Baby Hughes comes a callin'.
Katie: Sure.
Henry: All right? I've made a fresh start in Oakdale. I don't want any threads coming loose
Katie: Okay.
Henry: Okay? I want you to tell me exactly what kinds of questions he asks.
Katie: Fine.
Henry: So, what is it that you need exactly?
Katie: What I need is to turn this marriage of convenience into a -- well, marriage. Simon and I started out as really good friends, and I think it could go further. I just need for him to be more committed.
Henry: Oh, this is too rich. You mean this isn't just a performance for the I.N.S.? Katie, what is it with you addicts? You trade in one addiction for another. Last season, it was Holden. He was the "it" guy, even though he's married to Lily. And now it's Simon Frasier. And from what I understand, he's crazy about Lily, too. Maybe she's the one you really want.
Katie: Oh, yeah, Henry, that's it. No, would you can it? Everything would change if Simon could just give me his undivided attention. I'm not going to prison 'cause he can't keep his hands off that slut! I need Simon home!
Henry: Right, family values, huh? How do we keep Simon out of Lily's clutches and into your own strangling arms? Hmm.

[Henry is playing the guitar and singing]
Henry: I got the I.N.S. Blues in the muffler shop
Katie: Henry!
Henry: I got the kangaroo blues
Katie: Henry! Would you cut it out?
[Henry stops]
Henry: Music is my life, man.
Katie: Stop it. This is not a joke. You've got to help me find a way to neutralize Lily.
Henry: Well, I've already offered my idea.
Katie: Fixing Lily's brakes is not an option, okay? I need something legal this time.
Henry: Details. Hmm, okay, what's something more subtle than murder? How do we get hubby and his tool belt into the Lazyboy every night? Okay, I've got it.
Katie: What?
Henry: Well, it's not one of my top ten ideas, but I think it'll work.
Katie: What?!
Henry: I don't think you're up to it.
Katie: Henry, tell me!

Henry: As much as I'd like to hear the tidbits of your special relationship, I've got to get going.
Katie: No, no, not so fast, buster! If I'm gonna convince Simon that I'm pregnant, I can't do it all by myself. I'm gonna need a doctor who will back me up.
Henry: I'd love to play doctor, but I don't think anyone's gonna buy me as an MD. You're gonna have to hire your own quack.
Katie: From where? I'm sure they're not listed in the yellow pages under "Q." Come on, Henry, you have to help me.
Henry: I can't help you. Sorry, kid, the team of Coleman and Peretti has had it's last hurrah. You are on your own.
Katie: Oh, yeah, so I'll guess I'll be on my own when Chris Hughes comes by asking questions about you. I thought you said that you needed me to tell you what those questions were all about, huh? Doesn't look like today is the day to say "No" to Katie, is it, Henry?
Henry: I'll get back to you with a doctor.
Katie: Great. Just someone who will look the other way. Oh, and Henry, thanks for stopping by. On a scale of one to ten, you're off the charts!

Katie: Hi.
Simon: Look, Katie, I've been driving around, thinking about -- about us. About what this deception has to be doing to you. And I know that you're worried what might happen to you if the I.N.S. Finds out that this marriage is all a sham.
Katie: Yeah, Halliwell was pretty scary the other day at his office.
Simon: I know. I know. And I want you to know that I'm going to look after you, that I won't let you suffer any fallout for being involved in my situation.
Katie: I don't think we need to worry about Halliwell convinced that we're real.
Simon: Why's that? What's different?
Katie: A lot. I haven't really wanted to face this, but time is running out, and I don't have a lot of choices. I'm going to have your baby, Simon.

Katie: Simon? Hello. Say something, please. Anything at all.
Simon: Congratulations seem a bit out of order. Are you really --
Katie: Pregnant? Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Simon: But I don't get it. I mean, how could this happen?
Katie: Well, the way Mrs. Bagley explained it in the fifth grade, the guy takes his --
Simon: I'm serious, Katie. How could this happen to us!
Katie: Well, it's not like we never made love. I was the girl in the red dress. You were the guy who threw out the condom -- ring a bell?
Simon: Yeah, but that was, that was one time. I mean, I know it could happen, but, please, what are the odds?
Katie: Well, old Bagley used to say, "One night can change the rest of your life." You never think anyone that age could actually know anything about sex, but it looks like this time she was right on the money.
Simon: Yeah, yeah, "one night." And this was supposed to be the night to change mine.
Katie: Change it? How? Look, Simon, I know that this is kind of a shock.
Simon: No, you don't know, Katie. You don't know at all.

Simon: All right. So you're absolutely, 100% sure?
Katie: Yes, I'm sure.
Simon: All right, right, right -- so then you must have taken one of those home pregnancy tests then?
Katie: No, I didn't -- Simon, I'm pregnant.
Simon: But that -- that time that we --
Katie: That we slept together.
Simon: Yes! Yes. That was only once, and it was a long time ago. I mean, how come you're only just figuring this out now?
Katie: Well, I didn't feel any differently for so long. And I've never been the kind of girl that you can set your calendar to. I'm very irregular. I miss months all the time. And I spotted, so I thought everything was fine. I'm sorry, Simon. I know this is the worst thing that could happen.
Simon: Okay, but it's not definite. It's not definite. I mean, you haven't taken the test.
Katie: No, it is definite. I saw a doctor today. And he confirmed it.
Simon: Wait a minute. You got an appointment to see a doctor in the time between now and when I left here with Lily?
Katie: Uh, no, I made the appointment weeks ago -- when I first felt that something might not be right.
Simon: Uh-huh, right. Okay, well I'd like to talk to Dr. -- what's his name?
Katie: Oh, this is gonna sound so lame. But I don't remember.
Simon: Right, so this doctor has just told you that you are pregnant after having had sex only once in your life and you can't remember his name?
Katie: No. I know, it sounds crazy, but -- I had never heard of him before. He's not local. I got him out of the Peoria phonebook.
Simon: Peoria? Why Peoria instead of Oakdale?
Katie: I did it for you.
Simon: Me? Why me? Why, why?
Katie: You can't throw a brick in this town without hitting a gossip. I just didn't want the ladies who lunch to have too much to chew over.
Simon: All right, then let me get this whole thing straight. You, a very bright very detail-conscious woman, have somehow escaped realizing that she's 2.5 months pregnant. But a doctor, some nameless doctor who practices out of town, has confirmed this "fact!" All right, am I missing anything here?
Katie: Trust, maybe! You sound like you don't believe me.
Simon: Yeah, well that's right. Yeah, that's exactly how it sounded. Do you wanna know why? Because I don't.
Katie: Oh. Oh -- I think I'm gonna be sick.

[Katie puts eye drops in her eyes to simulate tears and walks to meet Simon]
Simon: Are you all right?
Katie: I'm sorry I ruined your life, Simon. This was just as much of a surprise to me, though. This is the last thing I ever expected.
Simon: Here, sit down. Can I get you something to drink, a cup of water, a cup of tea or something?
Katie: No, the only thing that you can do is believe me. Everybody else in this town thinks that lying is my hobby. I always thought that you knew who I really was.
Simon: I'm not doubting you. It's just that if you are really pregnant that just changes -- that changes a lot of lives. You know, I need to know if there's a chance that you might of made a mistake. Can't you see? That's why I have to ask you these hard questions. Even if it means hurting your feelings.
Katie: I only wanted you to be happy, Simon. I know you love Lily. I don't want to take that away from you two. But I'm not the bad guy here. I married you so you could stay in Oakdale and I've understood about you and Lily the whole time, even though it means I could go to jail if the I.N.S. find out. I just want you to trust me and understand that I'm your friend.
Simon: And I just find it hard to believe that we could make love once and this could be the result!
Katie: I gave you a condom, Simon. And you threw it out! And you're blaming me now? What? You think that I trapped you with this? I didn't --
Simon: You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. You're absolutely right. I'm being completely selfish.
Katie: No, no, maybe I was being selfish 2.5 Months ago when I didn't tell you to stop making love to me. It's just I wanted my first time to be with someone sweet and kind --
Simon: Oh, please, please, don't say anymore. Oh, I can't believe this.
Katie: Look, I don't know if this is the right time to say this, but - even though I'm scared, I'm happy, too. That was a wonderful night. And if we conceived a baby from it, it'll be a wonderful child, too.
Simon: Katie, what about our lives? You know, our futures?
Katie: You don't have to look at this the way I do. That night meant different things to both us and I'm carrying this baby in my body. You're not carrying it in yours, okay? So whatever decision you make, it's fine with me. I'll take care of this baby and I'll never, ever resent you.
Simon: No. Look, we -- you didn't get pregnant alone. So there's no way I'm gonna let you go through this thing alone.
Katie: And I'm not gonna let this baby take over your life.
Simon: Things are just supposed to be different. You know, I was going to --
Katie: Oh, that's right, you came in with something to tell me, didn't you? And I never let you get it out. What was it? What did you wanna tell me?

Simon: No big news. I just knew you were upset when and I left here with Lily and I -- wanted you to know that I won't let you down. If the doctor is right and you really are pregnant, then that's my responsibility, too. And I'll get used to it, I just need a little time.
Katie: Okay.
Simon: So --
Katie: So.
Simon: Yeah, a baby. So you're feeling all right? That nausea, is that --
Katie: That's morning sickness. I thought it was the flu at first.
Simon: Right, so a twenty-four hour bug is out of the question?
Katie: Yeah. Sorry.
Simon: So when's the baby due?
Katie: Ah, due?
Simon: Yeah. I mean, doctors can figure that sort of stuff out now these days.
Katie: I know. I forgot to ask.
Simon: You did? Why?
Katie: The baby will come, Simon. Don't worry.
Simon: Well, I'd better get back to work. If I start pulling down some overtime now, maybe I'll have enough money to pay the doctor when you deliver. I gotta get out of here. Look, I'll be back in a while. I just need to -

Katie: Okay, no problem. I'll see you later. Um, due date, symptoms -- there's got to be more to this throwing up. And what was the other thing? Right -- a doctor. [Katie calls Henry and gets his machine] Henry, are you there? Pick up if you're there. Okay, well, this is a very important message so listen carefully. Your plan is working just pretty good, except for I do need that doctor ASAP. Oh, and he's gotta be practicing in Peoria. Sorry.

[Katie calls Margo.]
Katie: Hi, Margo, it's Katie. Can I come over?
Margo: Why? What's wrong?
Katie: Nothing. Nothing. I just need to talk to my big sis'. Is that okay?
Margo: Um, yeah, sure, yeah, I'll be here.
[Katie hangs up]
Katie: Forget an Endicott. I deserve an Oscar.

Katie: Thanks for seeing me. Sorry it was such short notice.
Margo: My only other option was to go to the hockey game with Tom and the boys. And this is a lot better than sitting around watching guys push a puck around on the ice and freeze to the seat.
Katie: Well, my stock must have gone up.
Margo: Huh?
Katie: Well, a few weeks ago you would have chosen the frozen family.
Margo: Well, a few weeks ago I was mad.
Katie: And you're not mad now?
Margo: Not now, not so much. But let's not push it. What do you want?
Katie: A job.
Margo: Huh?
Katie: No, I mean, I'm not coming to you for a job. I'm not gonna join the Oakdale PD. But I have been thinking of the mess I made of my news career and well, I'm thinking the best thing to do is start over. Except for this time I want to do print journalism. Well, you see, on the news I had a couple minutes to squeeze the story in. But with print, I can really take the time and dig deep into the story. Work on the good social issues.
Margo: And you're concerned about that? Social issues?
Katie: Well, yeah.
Margo: Yeah?
Katie: I've been reading the newspaper a lot. I've had a lot of time on my hands since the Endicotts, so, um -- something that I read this morning actually really disturbed me. It was this story about a 16-year-old girl -- she was an honor student -- and she didn't even know that she was pregnant until she gave birth.
Margo: Well, that is a problem. Teen pregnancy is on the rise.
Katie: Yeah, I know. But why, you know? So I thought that I might write a spec article on teen pregnancy. You know, why it's on the rise? What it is about our culture that makes kids wanna have sex so young. I must sound like an idiot.
Margo: No -- not -- no.
Katie: Well, I mean, I just say that because I'm wanting to write this article on pregnancy but I know nothing about it. At all. So I thought I'd come to you and ask you what it's like. Isn't it weird that someone wouldn't know? And aren't there like major symptoms?
Margo: Well, if you consider throwing up every time you smell something -- yeah, it's kind of major. There's a couple of them, actually.
Katie: Okay, yeah, um, and so, does that start right away? The symptoms?
Margo: What do you mean? In the first trimester? No, no. There's a lot of fatigue in the first trimester. But the second trimester, is actually -- the sec-- I don't know if there's any delicate way to put -- there is no delicate way to put this. The second trimester, you are just as randy as a sailor on leave.
Katie: Really?
Margo: All right, Katie, what's up? How come you really wanna know all these things?
Katie: What do you mean?
Margo: What do I mean? You haven't written down a word I've said, so obviously this is all about you. It always is, isn't it?
Katie: Margo, you know me so well. I just didn't know how to tell you this, but I think I'm pregnant.
Margo: Wow! Well! Leave it to Simon Frasier. Now he has an American child.

Katie: Simon? Simon, are you here?
[When Katie hears Simon coming, she runs to the bathroom]
Simon: Katie! Katie? Katie.
Katie: Wait. Just a second.
Simon: I think I've waited long enough. It's about this "pregnancy."
[Katie coughing.]
Katie: I'll just be out in just a second.
Simon:: Oh, no.
Katie: I'm sorry about that. It's just that most women usually have morning sickness in the morning. Mine lasts all day long. Bottoms up.
[Katie gargling mouthwash.]

Simon:So, what's up?
Katie: My weight. Am I already getting too fat, Simon? Tell me the truth.
Simon:Please. Please. You look remarkably well.
Katie: You know, pregnant women are supposed to have this glow. At least that's what the book said.
Simon: What book?
Katie: Oh, the one that I got from Margo. I went to see her today after our talk.
Simon: Wait, wait, wait. You told her?
Katie: She's my sister.
Simon:Oh, great. Oh, that's -- that's good news. She must really love me now.
Katie: Well, to tell you the truth, it didn't go great. First, she shoves these books at me, and then she starts telling me how irresponsible I am, and how stupid this is, and how wrong it is to think that I could bring a life into the world.
Simon: Maybe you just misunderstand her, that's all.
Katie: Oh, fine! Take her side. I'm sorry, I'm only the one who has a child in my belly.
Simon:It's okay.
Katie: I'm sorry. I just have all these mood swings. I don't know what's gotten into me. Oh, well, actually I do. We're having a baby, Simon. Can you believe it?
Simon: Oh, it's incredible.
Katie: Well, you know, I mean, it's -- it's going to take some time to get used to. Of course, we're going to be somebody's parents, you know. But don't take too long, you know, we never know what this is going to bring for us.
Simon: Yeah, yeah.
Katie: I told Margo how great you're being and how supportive you're going to be and how you said you'd stand by me and everything. And I wouldn't want to lie to her.
Simon: No, no. Who would? She carries a gun. Look, Katie, there is just one thing I think you and I -- we should do together immediately.
Katie: What's that?
Simon: See a doctor.
Katie: Look, I have told you and I have told Margo that I've already been seen a doctor. I passed all the tests with flying colors. I'm healthy.
Simon: Yes, healthy, I can see that. And that's good. That's very good news. But there's just something that we should do. We should see this doctor because I have a few questions I need to ask myself.
Katie: All right. We'll do that. See? You're acting like a daddy already. Oh, if it's your night to cook, could you grab a pizza? I would kill for a pizza with extra cheese, pepperoni and anchovies on one half, and ham and pineapple on the other.
Simon: Are you serious?
[In the meantime, Katie is pigging out on junk food]
Katie: I have just had these insane cravings all day long. Guess we better get used to it, huh? Oh, and you should probably get yourself something, too.
Simon: Fine.

Katie: Henry! Not again. Hey, where are you? I need that doctor, and I need him fast!

[Sounds of vomiting]
Katie: You know, I wonder if women who are pregnant with twins actually throw up twice as much? Tell me their aren't twins in your family, Simon. Simon? What is it?
Simon: Are you really pregnant?
Katie: I can't believe you're asking that again.
Simon: Or is this just an attempt to mess up my plans with Lily?
Katie: That is so insulting.
Simon: Yeah, it's too convenient.
Katie: Convenient?
Simon: Yeah, I just --
Katie: It's not like I planned this!
Simon: Then prove it.
Katie: I was a virgin when we slept together.
Simon: No, no, no, I'm not asking if the baby is mine. I'm asking if it really exists.
Katie: I have symptom upon symptom. Are you blind and deaf?
Simon: I'm not gonna lose Lily because of a lie, okay? So I want hard proof that you really are pregnant, or I walk out of here today.

Katie: How am I supposed to prove that I'm pregnant? I can't invite you in to watch me be sick.
Simon: Even if you did, that'd only convince me that you might just have a stomach virus.
Katie: Oh, this is unbelievable.
Simon: Oh, yeah, my feelings exactly. What? Am I supposed to turn my life upside-down based on nothing but your word?
Katie: Just like I turned my life upside-down to keep you from being deported.
Simon: Don't you get it? I went through all of this -- the marriage, the meetings with the I.N.S., the honeymoon, so that one day I can be with Lily. And now, you've managed to come up with one thing --
Katie: That could what? I know you went to see her. What did she say to you?
Simon: You being pregnant is not gonna change the way I feel about Lily, okay? So there's no use lying about it.
Katie: Yeah, but it could change the way that lily feels about you. Which is why you're pushing this, isn't it?
Simon: I deserve to know the truth, Katie.
Katie: Stop calling me a liar.
Simon: Then prove me wrong. It's easy enough to do, isn't it?
Katie: Yeah, I just didn't wanna have to. Yes, we have a fake marriage. I accept that. But I thought we were friends. And now, you're just treating me like everybody else does. Like I can't be trusted.
Simon: Listen, if you really are pregnant, then I will stand by your side. I'll hold your hand, I'll pay the bills. I'll be a great dad. But I can never, ever love you.
Katie: I know that.
Simon: Good. Good, 'cause it'd be a shame if some fantasy you've woven about us living happily ever after has led you to create something completely and utterly false.
Katie: But it's not --
Simon: Because I will not forgive it, Katie -- or forget.
Katie: You don't have to be so nasty about it. In a couple of weeks, I'll have my sonogram, and you'll have your proof. Would you like a photo or a videotape?
Simon: No, no, no. I'm not waiting. We're gonna settle this whole thing today.
Katie: How?
Simon: You and I are gonna go to the doctor together. And he's gonna tell me for himself if you really are pregnant.

Katie: Besides, we can't drive all the way to Peoria today.
Simon: Why not?
Katie: 'Cause I don't have an appointment.
Simon: Well, I asked you to make one, remember?
Katie: You said, "soon." I didn't think you meant this soon.
Simon: Fine, I'll call the doctor myself. What's his number?
Katie: Um, you know, I didn't write it down.
Simon: Then look it up.
Katie: The doctor's busy, Simon. I sure he can't just see us on the spur of the moment.
Simon: Oh, you're right. Why didn't I think of that? Well, we'll just have to find some obstetrician right here who Oakdale who can fit you in. Where are the yellow pages?
Katie: No, no. Would you stop it? I'll call and try and make an appointment today.
Simon: Good. I'll be back in a few minutes.
[Simon goes to the bedroom]
[Katie is calling Henry]
Katie: Who's stopping you? Oh, come on, Henry, please pick up.
[Simon is in the bedroom calling Lily]
Simon: Oh, come on, Lily, please pick up. Where could she be?
Katie: No, I don't need your voice mail, Henry. I need you, like two days ago. Simon's totally on to me. I have got to have that doctor's appointment today or I'm totally sunk.

Simon: I heard you.
Katie: What are you talking about?
Simon: You said you were totally sunk! I heard you. Why'd you say that? Who's on the phone?
Katie: The doctor.
Simon: Don't.
Katie: What are you doing?
Simon: Hello? Who is this? You're lying, Katie! There's nobody there.
Katie: He put me on hold. Yes, doctor. Yeah, I know you're busy. It's just that between the morning sickness and everything, I just feel awful. And I just get so depressed, between the fatigue and everything, and I just think, "I'm sunk. I'm totally sunk. I can't do this for nine months." Can you see me today?
Simon: Tell him I'm coming with you.
Katie: My husband is very eager to meet you and hear all about our little bundle of joy –
Simon: Let me speak to him --
Katie: What? This afternoon? Okay, see you then, bye.
Simon: What are you trying to pull, Katie?
Katie: It was crazy there. You heard. He put me on hold practically mid- sentence.
Simon: So what time's our appointment?
Katie: He didn't say. But his nurse is gonna call back with our time in a few minutes.
Simon: You just told the doctor that we'd see him this afternoon.
Katie: Well, we can't get there any earlier than this afternoon, so we'll see him later this afternoon.
Simon: Right. That is, until he calls back to cancel.
Katie: That's not gonna happen. Would you quit being so suspicious, Simon! Why don't you just hang me on the rack and torture the truth out of me?
Simon: If I find out that you've been lying to me, Katie, you're gonna wish I had.

Simon: Did the doctor call yet?
Katie: You know what's really sad? This should be an extremely happy time for us. But instead, it's being ruined because Lily is so envious.
Simon: Most women wouldn't call an unexpected pregnancy with a virtual stranger a "Beautiful time."
Katie: You're more than that to me, Simon. Come on, after all that we've been through together don't we at least have some kind of relationship?
Simon: Yeah, what kind is it, though, Katie? That's the question.
Katie: If you'd just relax, we could be happy. I know we could.
Simon: You're unbelievable. You are pretty, smart -- you're funny. You deserve true happiness, Katie, not some cheap imitation.
Katie: I've found happiness with you.
Simon: How could you? Don't you want some guy who loves you? Someone who can't bear to live their life without you? Look, you have been -- you have been my friend. And you have -- you helped me through one of the worst nights of my entire life. And you helped bail me out of this horrible situation with the I.N.S.
Katie: I wanted to do that.
Simon: Why? Why though?
Katie: Because you were good to me.
Simon: But be good to yourself, Katie. Tell me the truth, Katie. There is no baby, is there?
[Telephone rings]
Katie: Katie Frasier. This afternoon? That will be great. Yes, Dr. Early. Yeah, can you remind me of that address again? I always get lost in Peoria.

Katie: Okay, it's all set. The doctor's office is gonna be open a little late today, so he can see us.
Simon: Really? So there's no problems?
Katie: None whatsoever. Except --
Simon: What is it?
Katie: Oh, here it goes again!