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Fan Fiction | Essays | Reviews and Rants | Humor
KnS/ATWT-Related Humor
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A few notes:
1) This song contains fall spoilers. Those who are spoiler-free should probably not read on.
2) Sung to the tune of "It's a Small World." You know, the annoying Disney ride one? Everyone for sure knows the chorus—for those who don't know the tune of the verses, you can find a midi here. (I had to download it to get it to play on my computer, LOL.
3) Uhm, we wrote this really late last night, while in the middle of a really long walk… in retrospect, it's probably rather insane. (Then again, what that comes from us isn't?) Jenn's addition: We weren't drunk, but we felt like we were. (The drinking didn't come until later.)
4) We offered before and no one took us up on it—but if you all beg real hard, Jenn and I will put up an audio file of us singing this. (C'mon, our voices aren't THAT bad!)
5) Big thanks to Malynda for not decapitating us, as much as we sing these stupid parodies. ;)
6) If the third verse seems familiar—let's just say it's a recurring theme. (C'mon, it involves ME! Although Jenn's the one who pushed it this time.)
7) Without further ado… here 'tis!
They will solve all the crimes in the Oakdale town
Off of Margo's face they'll erase the frown
Instead of saving Lilly
For free—that's just so silly
They'll demand payment up front
Simon Frasier, Private Dick
Katie Frasier, Private Dick
Both the Frasiers, Private Dicks
With Henry as sidekick
Keeping tabs on friends and foe alike
From Craig to Stenbeck and even hunky Mike
Lucinda gives them dough
While before she just said so
Even Coleman gets a crumb
Simon Frasier, Private Dick
Katie Frasier, Private Dick
Both the Frasiers, Private Dicks
With Henry as sidekick
In between having sex they will find the time
To fix the cottage and eradicate crime
And maybe, oh just maybe
They'll even make a baby
Snickers needs a new playmate
Simon Frasier, Private Dick
Katie Frasier, Private Dick
Both the Frasiers, Private Dicks…
And so on, as it fades out.
JenniferH. and Carrie
"El Capita-an(a la Barry Manilow)"
ByJenniferH. and Carrie -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
Notes:
1) Jennifer and I wrote this TOGETHER-- actually she probably wrote more than me-- so the line in the latter part of the song is simply as such because the syllables (and sensicalness) fit.
2a) THERE ARE NO SPOILERS IN HERE. NONE. The "gun" line is a figment of our imagination, capiche? As is the fifteen-year prediction about the Frasiers and their brood. b) This refers to FauxSimon-- of course we don't know whether he's faux or real or whatever, but we thought it was funny as-is.
3) We are insane. Understand this before you begin. It doesn't actually make sense, but that's okay. It's still funny. (Or at least we thought so, at midnight, while being insane.)
4) Oh yeah, this is sung to Barry Manilow's "Copacabana." (Jennifer says, "No, his ALL-TIME CLASSIC HIT!!!! Copacabana!")
5) If you beg real loud and long, we might record us singing this. It's a real treat, I tell ya! Of course, it would take a LOT of loud and long begging.
Now, may we present .....
At the hotel, El Capita-an
Most dangerous spot in Avanya (here)
At the hotel, El Capita-an
Poker and smoking were FauxSimon's thi-ing
At the hotel... he pissed her off
(El Capita-an)
His name was Simon, or was it really?
He was annoying as could be, treating Katie shabbily
'Cause when she showed up, he looked her over
And sent her upstairs to her room, left her standing there to fume
Lucinda got a drink, and gave her time to think
Still Katie watched him play the game
She was on the brink
At the hotel, El Capita-an
Most dangerous spot in Avanya (here)
At the hotel, El Capita-an
Poker and smoking were FauxSimon's thi-ing
At the hotel... he's getting none
(Hotel. . El Capita-an)
(Hotel El Capita-an) (El Capita-an, ahh ahh ahh ahh)
(Ahh ahh ahh ahh Hotel El Capitan)
(Talking Avanya have a banana)
(Poker and smoking...Faux Simon's thi-ing)
Her name is Katie, still has a rabbit
But that was 15 years ago, Snickers' grandson wears a bow
Now in their cottage live seven children
Can you tell Carrie wrote this song, Jennifer, she sang along
And now we're almost done, oh this was so much fun
Katie's complete, she has realSimon
'Cause she had a gun
At the hotel, El Capita-an
Most dangerous spot in Avanya (here)
At the hotel, El Capita-an
Poker and smoking were FauxSimon's thi-ing
At the hotel... she saved his butt
(Hotel) she saved his butt
El Capita-an
El Capita-an
Jennifer and Carrie
"This Kiss KnS Parody"
ByLondonRain -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
It's Katie's antics
It's Simon's sighs
It's her giggling laughter
It's the roll of his eyes
It's his constant denial
It's so so laughable
KnS unflappable
KnS
Now all they do
Is heat my TV Screen
And when they're together
They make the perfect team
Even though to her he can be mean
It's Katie's antics
It's Simon's sighs
It's her giggling laughter
It's the roll of his eyes
It's his constant denial
but he's so so cutable
KnS Undisputable
KnS
I watch them in the daytime
Or the nightime on my tapes (oh)
I've got my edits
Not a second will I erase (no)
Watch the kisses in slow motion
Know each ep line by line (oh)
Here come the handcuff scenes
I must rewind
It's Katie's antics
It's Simon's sighs
It's her giggling laughter
It's the roll of his eyes
It's his constant denial
They're so so adorable
KnS Uncurable
KnS
It's they way he loves her baby
(The way he loves her)
It's the way she loves him darling
It's Katie's antics
It's Simon's sighs
It's her giggling laughter
It's the roll of his eyes
It's his constant denial
They're so so adorable
KnS Uncurable
KnS
It's the way he loves her baby
(the way he loves her)
It's the way she loves him darling
(fade out)
LondonRain
By Morgan -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
They have fun together...
this duo of ours.
Hmm, is it a trio?
with Snickers and oooh...vintage cars.
Our Katie's impulsive...
Our Simon's so sweet.
They sparkle together
and make tons of heat.
Whether blending or
getting locked up in a jail.
With a handy cross around
our two will prevail!
So, why do I love
Simon and Katie so much?
It's really quite simple
they spark at a touch.
Morgan
By JenniferH. -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
9. Her jealous streak is still alive and kicking. ("And don't even get me started on what you were doing with that -- waitress.")
8. She is as blunt as ever. ("You're lying. Where is my husband?")
7. She had an 'ooh, I'm gonna get you later!' look when Simon (?) grabbed her butt.
6. She sounds exactly the same way she did - vocal intonations and all -- as she did a week ago.
5. There is no question that her eye color remains the same blue it was last week.
4. She took the time to straighten her hair before running off to a dangerous island.
3. She managed to tell/confirm to two perfect strangers moments after she met them that Simon was, indeed, her husband. (To Desi: "Seńora. I'm his wife." / To Mr. Slade: You don't know anything about my husband.")
2. She still has delusions of grandeur that she will be all-powerful one day. ("Someday I'm gonna be able to throw my name around like that.")
1. Her skirt is as short as possible while still being decent.
JenniferH.
By Eliza -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
2.He took a shower, but he did not ask you join him.
3.He kisses with his eyes closed.
4. His favorite activites are smoking, burping, playing poker, fishing, and slapping women's rear ends instead of being in bed with you and...does he have any other favorite activites?
5.he forgets that your pet bunny is named after a candy bar not a cookie.
6. His behavior is so horrid that you need to be hugging annoying Jersey girls, just to get away from him for a minute.
7. His taste in women goes from beautiful strong blondes to brunettes who like to cling to any cute guy that comes along(oh that is not a sign, afterall he was with Lily).
8.his accent is so think you need to read transcipts to get everything that he said.
9. Begins shopping for his wardrobe at the 70s movie reject lounge.
10. Refuses to take off his sunglasses, be it while eating breakfast, in his hotel room in the dead of night or in a dark dingy jail.
Eliza
ByDr Lynn Michaels -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
1. You stop at the hardware store on the way home from work to buy a tube of superglue, then ponder where you can find a) some bargain-bin fabric, b) an old love seat, and c) a hot Australian, for your own recreation of Katie and Simon redecorate.
2. You giggle every time you eat, see, or hear someone talk about a pretzel.
3. You consider finding an illegal alien with whom to have a one-night-stand and subsequent marriage of convenience, because it worked out so darn well for that Katie girl& reminding yourself to do the background check BEFORE the wedding, rather than after.
4. You offer to copy tapes for a gazillion people, figuring it s a good excuse to have the scenes playing in your room nonstop& and not look like a fruitloop.
5. You begin hating every character on ATWT, even your supposed second favorites, because they re simply not KnS and if they weren t on, maybe KnS would be!
6. You ponder what outfit would be best worn when impersonating a bagel delivery person to the ATWT set, in order to sneak in and catch a glimpse at some upcoming scripts.
7. You mentally calculate the driving time from your house to the nearest NYSC, and what time you d have to leave to catch tomorrow s first butt-busting class.
8. You see a silver cross on a lengthy silver chain while browsing in the mall, and nearly buy it, just in case even though you don t wear jewelry.
9. You realize, while watching some of your favorite scenes, that you ve played them so much that the sound falters in places but it doesn t matter, you can just recite the dialogue, even if you can t quite master the accent.
10. You find yourself sighing every time you pass a rundown cottage and then rolling your eyes at your hopeless romanticism.
Dr Lynn Michaels
ByEJSimon -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
EJSimon
By Mr. Darcy -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
To Mr. Simon Frasier, some suggestions to move things along:
1. Actually be in her presence. Staring at her across a crowded room also tends to make the temperature of one's blood rise.
2. Refrain from insults, even playful ones, until you've said, "I ardently admire and love you," or something that perhaps doesn't take so long to weaken the knees ... perhaps in your venacular, it would be, "You're hot. I love you. Come 'ere."
3. Be nice to her family. You have already reaped some benefits, but could do more in this department.
4. Feel free to participate in verbal sparring with a hint of sexual tension underneath, as long as you don't violate suggestion number 2.
5. Get her away from living with her family and into your gorgeous family estate. If no such living is available, live out of a car -- I'm told steamy moments can happen in such a vehicle.
6. Well ... *cough* ... work that tongue. You know what I mean.
7. When you're around her, act as though you can barely refrain from backing her up against the wall and ...
I'm sorry, Elizabeth is calling me. Do try to follow a few suggestions, ay?
Sincerely,
Fitzwilliam Darcy
By Plla -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
Katie: Wedding guests... groom... Bruno's hand on my thigh[Shudder]... Margo... handsome man in a black suit...
Simon:[Brood]
Katie: [Beam] SIMON!!!
Simon: Get wife's attention... check.
Katie: [Running] See ya Bruno!
Katie: Sorry for stating the obvious, but Lily hasn't had much airtime - YOU'RE BACK! And OH MY LORD are you a hottie! I could eat you with a spoon! One of those really big soup spoons!
Simon:[Stare]
Katie: [Beam]
Simon: I came back because ...
Katie: BECAUSE?!!!
Simon: [Breath] Nothing was any good without you. I went to Tahiti - nobody made any food analogies, nobody hosed down any foreign gals and NOBODY asked me to go down their bra to look for a handcuff key. I MISSED YOU!
Katie: [Beam]
Simon: Katie?
Katie: [Beam]
Simon: Honey?
Katie: HONEY?! [Sigh] Could you say Tahiti again?
Katie: [Snapping back] You really are one pouch short of a kangaroo, Simon! I told you I was fun MONTHS ago! And now everything's so messed up!
Simon: [Worried] How so?
Katie: [Eye sweep] Black really suits you... how about I shove my tongue down your throat and we discuss the obsessive gambler trying to introduce me to his canolli later?
Simon: [Shrug] Sure
[Very mutual face sucking]
Bruno: Are you two crazy kids saying goodbye AGAIN?
Simon: [Grunt]
Katie: [Groan]
Simon: [Smirk] Does this LOOK like goodbye?
Katie: Yeah, you tell him!
Bruno: [Glare]
Katie: [Remembering gun] Shucks ... See ya Simon!
Simon: [Confused] Huh?!
Katie: [Pout]
Simon: Katie?!
Katie: I'm sorry Si, but we used our "exchange story" time to suck face. It'll probably weeks before we actually get together now.
Simon: [Crushed] Weeks?
Katie: Or months...
Simon: MONTHS?!
Craig's penthouse
Katie: This 'I own you' business gets old REAL fast. So prepare yourself Snickers - we are ditching Mr. T for a life of freedom. What's worse is Simon almost said he loved me! Oh well, gotta jet before Bruno figures out I won't be blowing any bubbles... Note to self: Ask Craig to get a new tub - Bad Bruno memories!
[Exit]
Bruno: Oh 'Joy-toy'.... Oh 'Blue-eyes...
[Pause] No, that's Sinatra... Oh 'Blondie'
[Pause] No, that's Ben's GOD AWFUL nickname for Viki on One Life to Live...
Simon: [Evil eye] WHAT did you DO to MY WIFE?!!!
Bruno: Come again Cowboy?
Simon: She's gone. No rabbit, and no Katie. You must have really scared her.
Bruno: [Smug] She'll be back, with her gorgeous tail wagging. So I'm going to go get into the bath like she asked, and wait for her.
Simon:[Lightbulb] Oh yeah?
Bruno: Yeah
Simon: Well, you forgot something... [SMACK]
Bruno: JBE!!!
Simon:[Beam] I've been wanting to do that since I saw you watching Katie jump around in her bikini! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find MY WIFE!
Plla
By Various Posters -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
Theresa: You Know You're Obsessed with KnS If ...
JenniferH.: You Know You're Obsessed with KnS If...
By Various Posters -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
I was watching Katie leave that message for Simon on Wednesday when I had a thought. What IS Katie and Simon's answering machine greeting?
"Hi, this is the Frasiers'. We're not home right now, so leave a message at the tone and we'll get back to you." BEEP!
Somehow, I doubt it.
Maybe something more like this:
(Katie's voice) "You've reached the home of Katie and Simon Frasier. If you'd like to leave a message for me or my husband--"
(Simon, yelling in the background) "Your PRETEND husband!"
(Katie, continuing) "Right, me or my pretend husband..." (muffled) "But what if it's the INS?"
(Simon, frustrated) "Right, damn, start over."
"But I don't know how."
"How did you start it in the first place?"
"I just hit this but--"
BEEP!
And what about the Munson household?
"Hi, you've reached Hal. And Will. And sometimes Parker. Jenn, only when she's not dating one of the Montgomery boys. Emily, depending on the night. And-- well, you've reached the Munson zoo."
Candyapple 23 (Mel): The Frasiers:
Hi, you have reached Katie and Simon Frasier. Well-Katie mostly. My husband is usually gone chasing damsels in distress, halfway across the world. You'd think he'd care for me just a little bit, but noooo, he has to go chase after that man-trapper Lily, who, I can say, has been married more times than I can count on my fingers, and still needs more. But why, my husband, I ask? Well, how could any woman not be attracted to that Aussie. Still, if you call Lily, I can tell you that if you don't take your nails out of my Aussie, I will come over and snatch them all off. What was I doing? Oh yeah. Leave a message. Beep.
The Snyders (Holden and Lily):
Hey, you have reached the Snyders residence. If you want to leave a message for Luke please press 1. If you would like to leave a message for Faith, please press 2. If you would like to leave a message for Holden, please press 3. If you want to leave a message for Lily, please press 4. Or if you are a man, for Lily's twice-the-men dating service, please press 5. If you are a former husband, or lover of Lily, please press 6. If you are family for Lily, please press 7. If you need to cancel reservations for Lily's twice-a-men dating service, please press 8. Lily...Lily...Lily..... (tape is broken)
Munsons:
Hey, you have reached the Munsons. We aren't here right now. Hal, that's me, is at home doing nothing and is just too lazy to pick up. Barbara is probably whining in the hospital bed. She probably scared the officers away. Jennifer is out having---DAD! (starts whining) *whimper*---oh sorry--she's busy at the moment. Ahem. Leave a message.
Sue:
Paul and Barbara:
"Hi, you have reached the residence of Paul and Barbara Ryan. Mother is busy working on her new line, and I am busy trying to make BRO all that it can be. Rose if that's you, don't leave a message, Mother doesn't like it when I get messages from women. Mother says that you are baaaaaad. (shut up Dad, I wasn't talking to you, you aren't even here) Please leave a message for Mother, but DON'T come here. Mother needs her privacy. She's not crazy, she's just very delicate right now. (SHUT UP DAD) I'm coming mother, of course I'll wash your hair for you. Just leave a message after the beep, but DON'T come here." Beep.
Emma Snyder:
"Hello dear, you have reached the Snyder Farm. If you are trying to reach Meg, Caleb, Iva, or Holden, they have all moved away, but somehow I ended up with freakin' Jersey Joe as my roommate, can you believe that sh#t? If you are calling to buy some of my homemade cakes, pies, or Emma's special burn the barn down moonshine, please leave your home address, and I'll send Jersey Joe over with your order. Be sure you have the cash ready, because JJ will be carrying my late husband's Winchester with him, and I have taught him how to use it." Beep.
Craig:
"Hello, you have reached the suite of Craig Montgomery. Hahaha! If this is Jaaaaack Snyder, Carly's not here. Hahaha! If you are calling to accuse me of another murder, forgery, or theft, please redirect your call to my lawyer Mr. Cass. Hahaha! If you are looking for my little sister Katie or her dingo husband, God only knows where they are, so don't trouble me with your tedious messages. Hahaha! If this is Barbar, all I have to say is, Hahahaha!" Beep.
By Plla -- posted on Other Beautiful Things Message Board
JBE: Lily, you are breaking my heart!
Lily: [Gape] You mean all this whining and crying and shouting at the top of my lungs is working? How are the ratings?
JBE: Huh?
Lily: [Cough] I said, I am?
JBE: Is there anything I can do to help you in your, er, 18th crisis since I have known you? Find Damian? Tell this inspector to start hitting on you instead of what s-her-name?
Lily: YYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSS!
JBE: What was that?
Lily: [Pout] I mean no. But a back rub wouldn t hurt!
JBE: Come again?
Lily: I said I hope my son isn t hurt!
[Silence]
JBE: Right. I m just really conflicted here Lily!
Lily: About leaving Katie for me? She ll meet someone new!
JBE: What are you talking about?!
Lily: Nothing&
[Pause]
JBE: I can t stand to see you so upset!
Lily: You are really sweet when you re shirt is practically ALL unbuttoned.
JBE: Huh?
Lily: [Gape]
JBE: Lily?
Lily: I said I m going to make sure I give Holden a warm welcome!
JBE: How are you going to go through with this? Turning in your son s father for his freedom? It s so risky!
Lily: [Gape]
JBE: Lily?
Lily: How many times a week DO you work out?
Simon: [Distracted] Katie looks very sexy today. Blue really brings out her eyes.
Lily: Excuse me! Who said you could stop talking about me!?
JBE: Er, sorry.
Lily: That s better.
Simon: [Glare] Now that I think about it though, I really hate the way that guy s looking at her!
Lily: HELLO! What about ME!?
Simon: [Clench] Katie is MY wife! I mean he can t say garage like I can!
Inspector: You re husband and Senora Snyder are very close, no?
Katie: Noooooooo! Simon loves me! [pause] You notice it too, huh?
Inspector: You are a very beautiful woman, Senora Frasier.
Katie: [Grin] You know I really like a man with an accent. How do you pronounce garage ?
Inspector: Pardon?
Katie: [Sigh] Never mind.
Inspector: I hope you and your husband get to come back soon and see Tuscany.
Katerina: Yeah, maybe my NEW husband and me.
Inspector: Pardon?
Katie: [Sigh] Never mind.
Inspector: It is time to board the plane.
Katie: Woohoo! FINALLY I will have Simon all to myself!
Lily: [Crying] What about ME?!
JBE: You know I will me back in 5 minutes like we talked about! Sheesh!
Lily: I know. These are my you ll be gone for 5 minutes tears, not my you re never coming back tears!
Simon: [Sigh]
Katerina: [eye roll]
Inspector: Goodbye Senora Frasier.
Katie: Noooooo! Come with me! Now that Henry s gone I need someone to boost my spirits.
Simon: [Glare]
Katie: Well, good luck Lily. You ve tried to steal my husband, hosed me down in your garden and refused my help when I initially offered it to you.
Lily: So?
Katie: I just wanted to point that out to you!
[Awkward pause]
JBE: I can t go with you Katie&
Simon: But I am sorry you didn t get to see Italy&
JBE: But I m not sorry for sharing my theory about a successful marriage&
Simon: But I am sorry I m going off to help Lily instead of sleeping with you&
JBE: But I really care about Lily&
Katerina: ENOUGH!
Simon: Don t you start shrieking too!
Katie: Sorry Sigh&
Katerina: I mean NO, I m sick of having to apologize for my sometimes childish and always creative behaviour!
Simon: [Gulp]
Katerina: And ANOTHER thing! I am a TREASURE!!! A freakin treasure!
Plla
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