Katie: Well, we're finally here.
Simon: This is your doctor's office?
Katie: Yeah, this is it. I guess I should go sign us in.
Simon: Not even in my worst nightmares -- no, no, no, there is no way we're staying here. Come on.
Katie: Oh, don't be silly, Simon.
Simon: No, I'm deadly serious. Take a good, hard look around, Katie. You wouldn't even set foot in the loo at the garage without a wetsuit and rubber gloves, but you've got an obstetrician who works out of this?
Katie: It's not that bad.
Simon: You can't even bring yourself to touch that pen, can you? I bet you're dying for a bottle of disinfectant right now.
Katie: You're probably just in a bad mood because you kept getting us lost.
Simon: Me? No, no, no, you were the one with the bad directions. You had no idea how to get here because you've probably never been here before. Admit it.
Katie: Simon, the first time I was here I was terrified that I was pregnant, and this place was overflowing with expectant mothers. Who had time for a white glove inspection?
Simon: Yeah, well, you always seem to. I bet it's taking everything in you right now not to run home to a hot steaming shower, but you'll let a doctor like this touch you?
Katie: They wear gloves, Simon. Honestly, this is a perfectly harmless waiting room. It just needs redecorating. [Katie shrieks] What is that? What is that thing?
Simon: What is what thing? What?
Katie: Nothing. Just a harmless ant. See, you've got me all jumpy with this talk of hygiene.
Simon: That's it. Let's go.
Katie: Where?
Simon: To find a clean, decent, reputable professional. In Oakdale.

Katie: No, it took us long enough to get here, and Dr. Early was nice enough to give us the last appointment. So it would be rude to leave.
Simon: I don't care. I don't care, we'll pay for it, all right? And then, we'll get an appointment for tomorrow back at home.
Katie: No.
Simon: Why not?
Katie: Because every doctor in town knows someone in my family, and even if they don't, someone in my family is gonna make a point to get to know them.
Simon: I don't care about gossip, all right? I just care about the medical well-being of the baby.
Katie: I do, too.
Simon: Then take a look around and wake up. This place looks like the breeding ground for every mutated virus since the black plague. And did you get a load of this, huh? This must be some of the pictures of the babies he's delivered. I mean, if this alone doesn't frighten you --
Katie: He has nothing to do with their genes.
Simon: Yeah, but what are the odds?
[Henry as a pregnant woman.]
Henry: I hope you don't mind. I couldn't help overhearing. But don't be fooled -- modest facilities, true. But they don't make them like Dr. Early any more. He's the answer to a mother's prayers.

Henry: He's more than a doctor. He's -- he's, like a member of the family. I recommended all my friends, not a disappointed mama in the bunch.
Simon: You don't say?
Henry: I dare say. When I first came here, my husband and I, we were as nervous as you two seem to be. These offices aren't exactly what one would call -- but when I met Dr. Early, I knew we'd come to the right place.
Simon: Right. Well, he's delivered some of your kids?
Henry: All four of my little angels.
Simon: Right. And the state of this waiting room, it honestly doesn't bother you?
Henry: Oh, honey, talk to me after your fourth. Trust me, nothing bothers this mama any more.
Katie: Honey, would you be a sweetheart and take my coat?
Simon: Yeah, fine.
Katie: Thank you.
Henry: That's sweet.

Katie: Do you have any idea how scary you look, Henry?
Henry: Oh, oh, these swollen ankles. You enjoy those lovable little pumps as long as you can, honey. Because by the ninth month it is Birkenstocks and orthopedic loafers.
Katie: Talked to the doctor, did you? Everything set up, he knows what to do?
Henry: Have I ever let you down before?
Katie: Let me count the ways.
Henry: Well, you better count out 500 Samoleans. He works on a sliding scale.
Katie: 500, Today? I don't have 500 hundred of anything.
Henry: Katie, I warned you. He is not gonna compromise his Hippocratic Oath just for the fun of it.
Katie: This guy took an oath? Look at this place.
Henry: Oh, well, look who's become a choosy little beggar.
Katie: No, I told you I will pay. I told you that. It's just I didn't exactly have time to scrape up the money.
Henry:: Oops, I guess you're fresh out of luck, then, huh?
[Simon returns]
Simon: Katie?
Katie: You have got to do something.
Henry: Oh, don't mind me. You go join your handsome husband. I can think of a lot of women who'd love to steal that one away. Nothing like a baby to seal the deal, I always say.

Simon: What was that?
Katie: Oh, just girl talk.
Simon: Right. You feeling all right?
Katie: Yeah, fine. Why?
Simon: Well, this place must be working overtime on your gag reflex right about now.
[Phone rings]
Katie: You know, the truth is, I'd endure practically anything to keep Tom and Margo and the rest of the family from trying to run my pregnancy.
Simon: Look, I understand you wanting to stay away from Oakdale, but surely we can find a place a little less toxic than this. All right, next time, I find the doctor.
Katie: Okay, well, marriage is all about compromise.
Henry: Well, that was home I've gotta go.
Katie: But you haven't even seen the doctor yet.

Henry:: Well, I'm going to have to reschedule. My husband just called, and said that my youngest is feeling poorly. She's been asking, screaming for her mama. So how can I refuse?
Katie: But I would hate to see you leave now, I was just getting to know you. And I was hoping to have some advice from someone who's been through something like this before.
Henry: You'll do just fine. Now don't go hog wild when it comes time to get maternity clothes, okay? Be selective, all right? Comfort that should be the first consideration. And get yourself a haircut. I just had mine done. I told my girl, I said, "Make me look like Barbara from one of my favorite stories." What do you think?
Katie: See, you have so much good advice, and I have so many questions.
Henry: That's what Dr. Early is for. Maternity wear, section B. Take a look. It's what every new mother needs. And you spoil her rotten, she deserves it.
Simon: Good luck to you.
Henry: Oh, I don't need luck. I have Dr. Early. Bye.
[Henry leaves.]
Simon: Talk about the effect of mutated viruses.
[Dr. Early enters the room.]
Dr. Early: Mrs. Frasier, looks like you're up next.

Simon: You're Dr. Early?
Dr. Early: Mr. Frasier, I presume? So glad you could join us today.
Simon: Yeah, well, I wouldn't miss this for the world.
Dr. Early: And Mrs. Frasier, you're positively glowing. It is so good to see you again.
Katie: You too. I tried to explain to my husband that everything was going really well, but he insisted on seeing you, so.
Dr. Early: New dad jitters. Well, I presume you have followed the proper instructions? We want to ensure a healthy pregnancy, yes?
Simon: Yes, yes. That's why we're here, right?
Dr. Early: Well, shall we go inside?
Katie: I think I left my purse in the car.
Simon: Katie, you're holding your purse. Come on, let's get on with it. The examination room has to be an improvement, right?
Dr. Early: Ready, little mother?
Katie: I've forgotten something.
Simon: Forgotten what?
[Katie remembering]
Henry: "Section B. Take a look. Everything a new mother like you could need."
Dr. Early: If you'll both follow me right this way, we'll take a look and see how we're coming along.
Simon: Well, that's why we're here, right? Katie, nothing to be nervous about. You've been here before, haven't you?
[Katie grabs the newspaper from a patient in the waiting room]
Katie: I believe that's mine.
Patient: What on earth?
Katie: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just snap at you? It must be these ridiculous hormones. Aren't they the pits?
Dr. Early: She must be quite a handful.
Simon: Yeah, yeah, she's something, all right. Come on, Katie, the doctor's waiting.
[She finds the money inside the newspaper.]
Katie: Oh, thank you, Henry.
Simon: Is everything all right?
Katie: Yes, fine. Ready, daddy?

Katie: Maybe it's just me, but I think that ice cream tastes better when you're pregnant. Don't worry, I won't rely on this stuff solely for my calcium intake. Can you believe all of these minerals and vitamins that Dr. Early prescribed? We're going to have the biggest, healthiest baby ever. I don't even know where to start. Maybe I should take them alphabetically? What do you think?
Simon: Yeah, whatever works.
Katie: You know, it's all right to have an opinion about this, Simon. You're the parent of this child, too. Well, you have your proof now. No more doubts about this baby, right? Simon?
Simon: I'm just -- I'm just thinking. There's so many decisions and plans to be made now.
Katie: Don't worry about it, okay? We're gonna be the most incredible parents. All you have to do is just put the baby first, before anything. Speaking of which, I think we need another nap. I'll see you in a little bit?

Simon: Ready or not, here I come!
[Tires screeching.]
[Glass breaking.]
[Simon climbs out of the car and onto the hood]
Simon: Lucinda Walsh, your judgment day has arrived.
[Lucinda laughs.]
Lucinda: You -- you, you are insane. Did you know that you are -- get down off that car. Get off the car! Unless you want to show me something else you got? I mean, look at this. Do you realize the damage that you've caused?
Simon: Do you?
Lucinda: Do you see that?
Simon: Do you realize what you've done to me? To your own daughter?!
Lucinda: What is this? Is this some kind of a point that you're trying to make?! I've done something?! You've done something -- you infiltrated my family's life. You tried to ruin my daughters life! And you've gotten exactly what you deserved!
Simon: See, I'm not afraid of you. I'm here to take you on.
Lucinda: Yeah, well, you know, you're gonna have to get a bigger -- a bigger weapon than that.
Simon: Yeah, well, next time I'll bring a tank.
Lucinda: Yeah, look, come on, why don't you just give me a break. Give us all a break, all right, darling? Check yourself into a clinic, cry on somebody's shoulder -- and -- look, it's over she's told you --
Simon: It's not over!
Lucinda: It's over!
Simon: It's not over! I will never, ever forget Lily! It is not over with her despite you, time, distance, whatever! You see, you can run your businesses, you can run your family, but you don't run me. You see, you couldn't even run me out of town!
Lucinda: Well, maybe I could. But maybe you'll wish someday that you'd gone when you had the chance, you know?
Simon: No, no, no, you'll never get rid of me. See, I'll never forget Lily, or the life that we could've shared. And I will never forget that it was you that destroyed it!
Lucinda: Is that all?
Simon: Are you kidding? I'm just getting started.

Lucinda Walsh Estate

Lucinda: Thank you.
Simon:This is my declaration of an all out war!
Lucinda: Ooh, great. Why don't you tell the police, they'll be here momentarily.
Simon: Another night in Oakdale jail, courtesy of Lucy Walsh.
Lucinda: Oh, I do wish it could be more.
Simon: I'll bet you do. Oh, yeah, and when you're through ringing the law, can you please call me a tow? Burt's Garage -- ask for a bloke named Frasier. Tell him Simon sent you.
Lucinda: Not Burt, oh?
[Margo and Katie enter through the hole in the wall.]
Margo: Lucinda? Are you all right?
Simon: No, no, I'm lucky to be alive.
Katie: Simon? What happened?
Simon: Oh, my wife! My glorious, glorious wife!
Katie: Are you okay? Are you okay? I was so afraid. I was so scared.
Margo:What was going on in your mind?
Lucinda: Well, let me tell you what happened. You see, my house reared up on its hind legs and it just flung itself at that jalopy. And then I plied the driver with bourbon and then smiled waiting for the police to arrive.
Simon: It's just as she says, 100% correct. She speaks the truth and nothing but.
Margo: Oh, whoa -- so if she said you got drunk, you were driving, you went berserk and you decided to make a point?
Lucinda: Yeah, that's more to the -- yeah.
Katie: Don't say a word. And don't put words in to people's mouths.
Margo: All right, would you like to make a statement?
Lucinda: Yeah, drunk, disorderly, he's a danger to himself and not to mention to me. He threatened me. He threatened my life.
Katie: We can explain everything.
Margo:Well, of course you can, Katie. You always can. Simon Frasier, you're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, and as a detective and your sister-in-law I would take that one to heart.

Katie: Margo, why do you always have to be such a cop?! You don't have to cuff him.
Margo: Oh, Katie, I'm just doing this part for fun!
Katie: He's harmless.
[Simon barks like a dog.]
Margo: You know, I really would take advantage of your right to remain silent.
Simon: Well go on, lock me up. Gone but not forgotten, isn't that right, Walshie?
Margo: Simon, you know what? I would respect her a little bit, she is going to press charges.
Simon: Oh, press on, press on. 'Cause the longer you press the longer I stay in Oakdale, and we both know how much you want that.
Margo: Let's go.
Lucinda: Try me.
Simon: True, she tried to -- she tried to bribe me to take off. But deep down inside, she couldn't bear to see me walk away.
[Margo is struggling to get Simon out of the room]
Margo: Let's go!
Simon: And when you speak of this, and I know you will --
Katie: Simon, stop it.
Simon: -- Tell them I would do it all again just to see that look on your face.
Margo: Go!
Katie: Come on.
Simon: Oh, yeah, and tell the chauffeur to be careful with my car. If I see one dent or scratch, it's off with his head!

Oakdale Police Department

Margo: Oh, won't you just have a seat, please?
Katie: Okay, you can let him go now, Margo.
Margo: Oh, okay, Katie. But, gee, you know, the thing is once I read someone their rights I really kind of like to keep the perp cuffed until I get him booked and printed. I don't know, call me crazy. It's just -- don't you open your mouth.
Simon: My lips are sealed.
Katie: Okay, if you're gonna really go through with this thing, which it looks like you are -- I'll bite. What's the bail? How much is it?
Margo: You'll find out what the charges and how much you're going to have to come up for bail tomorrow, when your husband goes before the judge. Words every sister dreams she'll someday say.
Katie: Okay, wait, wait, wait, we have to wait until tomorrow to deal with this?
Margo: And you know what? Whining is only going irritate me more. So let's not push the envelope, please.
Katie: This is all my fault. If I just wouldn't have let you go, none of this would have ever happened.
Simon: All right, look, you tried to stop me, but no one could've. Not you, not that million-dollar mansion, not even old witch Walsh herself. 'Cause I was a machine! Oh, come here, did I ruin your night, baby? Because if I did, I don't think I could forgive myself.
Katie: No, it's all right.
Simon: Yeah, what's one ruined night anyway? We've already ruined each other's lives. [Simon laughs]
Margo: Oh, could you please just stop that for a minute so I can get the statement?
Katie: Oh, you can't ask him any questions without a lawyer present.
Simon: Yeah, exactly. I know my Carmen Miranda constitutional rights. Yeah, and you didn't think I was listening.
Katie: I'm going to call Tom, is it too late? No, I'll call him on the cell phone. Do you have the number?
Margo:Yeah, it's 1-800-get-a-clue Katie! What are you thinking?
Katie: I'm going to ask Craig for bail money and I'm going to ask Tom for legal help.
Margo: Oh, so you're thinking that one of us is actually going to help you.
Katie: Yeah.
Margo: Nah.
Katie: Simon's my husband, he's part of this family now.
Margo: Oh, yeehaw, so as such we will treat him exactly the way we treat you.
Simon: Yikes, I'm finished.
Katie: What kind of sister are you?
Margo:The kind who is desperate for you to make one right decision just once before you die, which could be very soon.
Simon: Oh, see, and I thought my sister was scary. Yours actually has a license to carry a gun.
Katie: You know what? If you're not going to help me then I'm just going to find someone who will.
Simon: Best darned wife I ever did have, ever.
Margo: Laugh it up now, Zippy. Because you're going to sing a different tune tomorrow when you're before the judge with a two-ton headache.
Simon: Oh, come on, how bad could it be?
Margo: Oh, it's bad. it's very bad. It's trespassing, it's drunk driving, it's aggravated assault, it's assault with a deadly weapon. You're looking at a very big bail or a very long time behind bars. Now that's funny. [Margo laughs.]

Margo: Get out of here.
Simon: Katie, Katie, you be strong, okay? You survive, all right? You stay alive, no matter what happens, and one day I promise I will come and find you!
Katie: Good night, sweetheart! I'll see you tomorrow.
Margo: Last of the morons.
Katie: Margo?
Margo:What, what, what? Please, I really don't want to hear it again.
Katie: No, I think you need to hear this.
Margo: Okay, tell me something that I haven't heard 100 times before, Katie. Come on, tell me.
Katie: I'm sorry. I know you went above and beyond tonight, trying to help me find Simon so he doesn't do any more damage to himself. I know you didn't want to, and you didn't have to. And I just want to tell you that speeding around like that, us on the same side for once, for a little while, it was kind of like having a big sister or something. I know I haven't been really easy to deal with lately, and I just want to say thank you.
Margo: Oh, you're welcome.

Simon: And make sure I get double prints of all those mug shots.
Katie: Oh, he's thinking of his wife.
Simon: Whoa!
Margo: Make sure you get a double set for the I.N.S., too. They can put it in your file.
Katie: Hey, do you guys have any vacancies for the night?
Simon: What are you crazy?
Katie: No, I was thinking that we could have adjoining cells. And we could have a second little honeymoon and I could call Tom in the morning.
Simon: The mother of my baby behind bars -- you don't even deserve that.
Katie: Oh, that is the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Simon: Just go home. Go home, relax, take a load off. We've got a baby to think about.
Katie: Yeah, the baby.
Simon: Sweet dreams.

Grady: Rise and shine.
Simon: What the hell happened?
Grady:: Well, you tied on a good one last night. Then you managed to -- let me just say after what you did, you'll be calling this place home for a long time.

Simon: So do I have a lawyer coming?
Grady: So far, the only thing you've got coming is a free phone call. If that doesn't work out, you'll have to settle for a P.D.
Simon:What's that?
Grady: Public defender. The phone's out there.

Simon: Oh, what am I doing? (Simon hangs up the phone)
Grady: Don't hang up, you need all the help you can get. You got charges up the wazoo -- drunk driving, assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated assault. That's hard time for most people, my friend.
Simon: Right, right. It's just -- I just forgot everything's changed. I don't have anyone I can call.

Katie: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you can't lock him up again.
Grady: Are you his lawyer?
Katie: No, I'm his wife!
Grady: That doesn't count. I'll take that.
Katie: It's his breakfast! What has he had to eat, bread and water?
Grady: You've been watching too many movies. He'll get his goodies back. I gotta check this for contraband.
Katie: What do you mean, like a file? No, you've been watching too many movies. All it is is eggs, bacon, muffins and juice. And it won't do well cold. Hey, don't worry, Simon, I'm going to make sure that Margo makes them treat you right, okay?
Simon: Yeah, good luck. Margo's likely to send me to rot in solitary.
Katie: And I'm going to get Craig to post your bail. I'm sorry, honey, I would have been here earlier, but i went over to see Tom to see if he would represent you. He wasn't there, but don't worry, everyone is going to do their part. Families have to stick together at times like this.
Simon: Katie, could you just talk a little more quietly? Or maybe even not at all? Katie, it's okay, really. I mean, I could use the peace and quiet of this place right now. Why don't you just go home?
Katie: No, because you're my husband and you're in here. It's okay if you're a little scared, Simon. I know that this is hard on you. And Lily let you down. I have no intention of treating you that badly. I know that you're probably not used to people taking care of you, but you can get used to it.
Simon:You don't owe me anything, Katie. You helped me out with Lily, and just when it's over and there's no reason for me to even be in the country, you wind up pregnant. Why don't we just end this charade before it goes any further?
Katie: No, Simon, I'm not going to let you go through this alone.

[Margo and Agent Halliwell enter the jail area.]

Margo: That's been your mistake all along, Katie.
Katie: Margo, you've got to help us, please.
Halliwell: Well, this just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? This marriage has reeked from the start. Now you're committing felonies against the mother of your -- what should I call Lily Snyder? Your paramour?
Katie: No, don't call her anything. I can explain everything that happened, all right?
Halliwell: No, I think it's Mr. Frasier's the one who needs to explain. Give me one reason, one good reason, why I shouldn't deport you right now.
Katie: I'll give you two. Me and my baby.

Halliwell: Well, I guess the next time I see you, you'll look like you swallowed a basketball. You'll be showing?
Katie: Oh, right, yeah, mm-hmm.
Halliwell: Good luck, Frasier. You're gonna need it.

Katie: See? That's another reason why I can't leave you in here. If Agent Halliwell finds out that the reason you wrecked your car was because you were heartbroken over Lily, he'll know that our marriage was a sham from the start. And I don't intend to spend five years in prison or have my baby there. No way. I'm gonna get you out of here and home.
Margo: Katie, I have saved your butt, once again, temporarily. Now it is time that you faced facts. This instant marriage of yours is a disaster. So is your life. This so-called husband of yours is in love with another woman. That's why he went out and got blotto-ed last night. And that's why he drove to that woman's mother's home and aimed his car right at her front hallway and hit the gas.
Katie: No, it was an accident.
Margo: It was not accident! It was nearly suicide. It was almost murder. Katie, doesn't that tell you anything?
Katie: Yes. It tells me that Simon needs me. He and Lily are done now, so nothing like this will ever happen again.
Margo: Katie? I mean, I don't know, maybe the pregnancy has caused you to lose the last remnant of judgment that you ever had, but I don't know why you want this misery.

Katie: This isn't misery. It's life, my life. Don't you get it? He needs me now. No one's ever depended on me like this before.
Margo: Well, that is such bull. You tell everybody all the time how much momma depended on you.
Katie: Yeah, well, that's different. I'm not gonna let him down -- ever.
Margo: Oh, Katie.
Katie: Simon?
Simon: Go home, Katie, please. Just leave me alone. I really don't care what happens to me here. Just go take care of yourself and the baby.
Katie: Look, I know this isn't exactly what we planned, but maybe if last night got Lily out of your system, then it might have been worth it. Everything's going to be better now. You'll see.

[Simon is working on a car and Katie comes along and hands Simon the tool that he needed]
Katie: Here you go, Dr. Frasier. You got this baby burning its midnight oil, huh?
Simon: Uh-huh.
Katie: Well, now that Isaac gave you work at Java Underground, you're not really going to have to do any more muffler jobs, right? I bet you're excited. We should celebrate your new career. Why don't you knock off a little early, and I'll make you nice, warm dinner?
Simon: No, thanks, I'm fine.
Katie: Oh, look what I found!
Simon: Wow, a can.
Katie: This will make a perfect diaper pail.
Simon: Look, you gonna be out here for awhile?
Katie: Yeah, sure. I'll work on this while you --
Simon:Then I'm gonna go inside. Just hit the lights when you're done.
Katie: Simon.
[Simon leaves]

Henry: My, my. We're looking awfully svelte for a bride who's -- how many months un-pregnant are you now? I forget.
Katie: Henry, what are you doing here?
Henry: I was counting down the days till your undue date. Hey, how are you planning on faking the labor and the breast-feeding and let's not forget about the little infant itself?
Katie: Henry, are you crazy? Would you shut up? Simon is in the very next room. He could hear you. Get out of here!
Henry: Oh, believe me, Katie, there's nothing I'd like better than to get as far away from this one-horse town as possible. But funds are little tight for airfare right now.
Katie: So throw it on your gold card, and get out of here, please.
Henry: I'd love to, but I'm maxed out.
Katie: How is that possible? You work for "The Intruder?"
Henry: Not anymore.
Katie: Fired, again?
Henry: That's funny. So I said to myself, "Who can I turn to for support now that I don't have a job, I don't have any more money?"
Katie: Yeah, and you're out of luck tonight because my shoulder is closed.
Henry: But then I said, "I know, I'll go to my little friend, Katie. The little girl I got pregnant." Oh, wait, I correct myself. Your imagination got you pregnant. I just helped keep hope alive.
Katie: Would you shut up, Henry? Okay, it's a stretch, but I'm gonna call Craig and see if he'll give you your job back.
Henry: No, hey, hey, hey! I do not -- I do not want a job recommendation to Craig Montgomery, all right? He's the reason I'm getting out of dodge in the first place.
Katie: Then what do you want from me, Henry?
Henry: Money -- cold, hard cash, Katie, every cent you've got.
Katie: You want money from me?
Henry: Look, when you needed a song to sing to your little Aussie in there, I composed a pregnant concerto. Now, Katie, it is time to cough up a few royalties.

Katie: Wait, hold on, rewind, Henry. You're running from Craig? What could you have possible done to make my brother so mad at you?
Henry: Nothing. It was just a misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. I don't want to talk about it right now, okay? I just need airfare.
Katie: To where?
Henry: To someplace that says "Fresh new start." All right? What do you even care? Just give me 500 or 600, huh?
Katie: Look around the place, Henry. I'm married to a mechanic. We can barely make ends meet as it is.
Henry: Come on! I am not buying that. Your brother is one of the richest guys in town, Katie. He's not gonna let his little sister go a day without a fresh new manicure.
Katie: Wake up, Henry. Craig wrote me off months ago. He's not even gonna give me a food stamp, much less enough money for a plane ticket. It was bad enough I was calling him to get your job back. He's not gonna give me any money, okay? Deal with it. Why don't you cash in your 401k or I.R.A. or whatever you executive types have.
Henry: No, it takes weeks to get money from something like that, okay? I was living paycheck to paycheck, but I don't have any more paychecks. I need cash now -- tonight.
Katie: You can't bleed a stone, Henry, all right?
Henry: No, you're right, Katie, I can't. But I can threaten one. If you don't come through with some cash, pronto, I am gonna expose this little mama drama to your clueless hubby in there.
Katie: No, Henry, please. You can't! I finally have everything in my life that I've always wanted. My life is riding on this.
[Simon overhears.]
Henry: Well, my life is riding on a 747 window seat as far away from this town as I can get. Now, you owe me. Remember those 500 smackers I gave you in the doctor's office?
Katie: Yes, and every single one is gone. I would love to pay you back, I really would. I just haven't worked in months.
Henry:You wouldn't have found Dr. Quackenbush in Peoria if it wasn't for me.
[Simon thinking.]
Henry: (as a woman) When I met Dr. Early, I knew we'd come to the right place.
[Simon speaks up.]
Simon: So, Katie, you want to introduce me to your friend?

Katie: You know Henry Coleman, don't you?
Simon: Oh, yeah. Yeah, Henry.
Katie: Yeah, we worked at WOAK together. Henry was the news director.
Simon: Oh, that's right. You two left the station about the same time, didn't you?
Katie: Well, around the same time. But he's on to bigger and better things, right?
Simon: Awfully late for a visit, isn't it? So what brings you by this time of night? Everything okay, I hope. I mean, no car troubles.
Katie: No, no, no, nothing like that. He was actually just gonna leave. He only came by to -- you know --
Henry: I came by here to try to convince this talented young lady to come back into the workforce.
Katie: Yes, Henry was always my biggest fan.
Henry: Yes, very true. You know, we have a small but very loyal mutual appreciation society, huh?
Katie: Well, I know you said that you couldn't stay, but it was so good to see you.

Henry: Yes, you know -- I'm serious, Katie, if you don't come through with that money, I will not be so restrained.
Katie: Okay, here.
Henry: Come on, come on, come on.
Katie: Okay. Here, take this. It's all I have right now.
Henry: What is this? I need airfare, not cab ride to the bus station, come on.
Katie: Take it! That's all I have right now. Okay, I'll think of something, and I'll call you later. Bye-bye, Henry. It was good to see you again. Good night.

Simon: Was Henry acting strange tonight, or is he always like that?
Katie: Oh, yeah, Henry's just one of those all-work-no-play kind of guys. He drives me crazy.
Simon: Right. I didn't know you two were so close.
Katie: I didn't either. But I humor him.
Simon: Oh, is that what you call slipping him money when you were saying good-bye?
Katie: You saw that?
Simon: Yes. So what's Coleman doing here at this hour taking money from you?
Katie: He's broke, and he thought that if he came by late enough, you'd be asleep already. He's embarrassed, Simon. Guys like Henry don't ask for handouts.
Simon: No, no, but they take it when it's offered. What's a former TV executive doing knocking on the door of a mechanic's wife asking for a loan?
Katie: He doesn't have any friends, Simon. He didn't have anywhere else to go.
Simon: Okay, but if you're not that close, and you don't know what's up with him, why would he be so sure you're gonna help him out?
Katie: Maybe he thought I was a softie. I don't know.
Simon: Or that you owe him something.
Katie: Why would he think that I would owe him anything?
Simon: You know, Katie, I haven't always made an honest living. I mean, in my former line of work, it always helped to never forget a face, even if the last time that you saw it, it was wearing lipstick.
Katie: Lipstick? What are you talking about?
Simon: I'm talking about Henry Coleman being in the doctor's office in Peoria, dressed as a woman.

Simon: Admit it, Katie. Henry Coleman was at the doctor's appointment disguised as a woman, and you pretended that you didn't know her -- him. But you do, very well I see. So this guy knows something that you don't want spilled, doesn't he? Something to do with maybe -- I don't know -- our trip to Peoria to see the so-called "obstetrician?"
Katie: What could Henry possibly know about that?
Simon: Maybe he knows the truth. Maybe he knows that you're about as pregnant as I am. Look at me, Katie, look at me 'cause enough is enough. There is no baby, is there? You have been lying about this all along.
[Katie runs out of the garage]

[Katie walks in the garage]
Katie: Hi, Simon. I bet you wonder what I was doing all night -- where I was. Um --
Simon: Not really.
Katie: I stayed the night at the Stratford Arms. I never actually thought I'd pay to stay in a place that makes this place look like the Taj Mahal. But I just thought that we could use some time apart from each other.
Simon: So you could get your story straight, huh? Work out some way you could land on your feet?
Katie: No, no, that's not true. I haven't ever lied to you, Simon.
Simon: Oh, yeah? All right, then explain a few things to me. Explain what your "friend" Henry was doing here last night. Explain the cash I saw you slip him or why he was dressed in drag at your prenatal exam.
Katie: He's been spying on me.
Simon: Oh. Oh, this is gonna be good.
Katie: Really. He's been trying his damnedest to get me back into the broadcasting --
Simon: Why? Why? Because of your relentless dedication to the truth?
Katie: I -- I told him no. I -- I don't want it -- after the baby comes --
Simon: Oh, enough! This is your worst story yet. Just give it up, all right? There is no baby, is there? You know it, Henry knows it, and, finally, I do, too.

Simon: It's over, Katie. Yeah, I get it now. I thought it was just the Frasier luck rearing its ugly head again -- you know, bad timing and all. I mean, how else could you realize that you were pregnant, just as Lily and I were planning a life together? But I went along with it. And then there was this trip to Peoria to see that ridiculous excuse for a doctor!
Katie: I explained that to you. I picked a doctor out of town, because I didn't want my family butting in on my life.
Simon: And then there was the whispers last night when your old pal Henry dropped over -- and the cash that you slipped him when you didn't think I was looking.
Katie: He's blackmailing me!
Simon: Oh, blackmail, extortion, lies -- you don't quit, do you?
Katie: I would never do anything to hurt you, Simon.
Simon: No. No, you just lie about carrying my baby to stop me from being with the woman I love.
Katie: That's not what happened!
Simon: Then tell me what happened! Say it!
Katie:You're forcing me to say something -- I mean, you believe that I just made something up? You saw it with your own eyes!
Simon: Maybe I should take another trip to Peoria. Yeah, I'll wager that good doctor will tell me the truth for a price. Or better still, let's go to Oakdale Memorial, get a proper sonogram right now. Come on, let's go!
Katie: You think I'm just some rag doll that you can throw from doctor to doctor so they can hoist me up on a table and tell you what you want to hear?
Simon: Time will tell, won't it, Katie? Time will expose you for the liar that you are, won't it? That's right, isn't it? Isn't it?! Isn't it?!
Katie: Okay, fine, it's true! I lied to you. I lied to you about everything. Please don't hate me, Simon. Please, just don't hate me.

Katie: Just let me make this up to you, Simon. Please, just let me find a way. Don't give up on me! I don't know what I would do if I lost you.
Simon: "Lost" me? Oh, you never had me.
Katie: You're my best friend. For the first time in my life, I was actually in love with someone who needed me.
Simon: You think this is love?
Katie: Yeah, I do. Love is about making a commitment. I made a commitment to you. Lily could never do that. You don't belong with her, otherwise you'd be with her right now.
Simon: Well, you fixed that, didn't you?
Katie: We belong together, Simon. We're so good together! I've never had so much fun with anyone in my entire life.
Simon: Then you really ought to get out more.
Katie: We are the best thing that's ever happened to each other. You're not in love with Lily, Simon. You're just in love with chasing after something that you can't get. That's not love.
Simon: You don't know the first thing about love.
Katie: Yes, I do -- because you taught me. And this ridiculous relationship with Lily is not love.
Simon: Katie, I told you so many times that I was in love with Lily, that nothing was gonna change that. Why did you set out to ruin that for me?
Katie: Because I love you! Look at all that you've done for love. Was that all playing by the book? No, I don't think so. You've done crazy things, desperate things. And, yeah, okay -- so have I. And I'm sorry.
Simon: "Sorry?" Do you know what your twisted, demented little fantasies have cost me? Have you got any idea? I stayed in this country for Lily -- to be with her, to make a life with her. And you have ripped all that away from me with your sad, selfish, little lies!
Katie: I'm sorry. I know I made a mistake now. I see that, and I see how much I've hurt you.
Simon: Well, you achieved what you set out to do, Katie. Congratulations. You've ruined my life.

Katie: I'm sorry. I will do anything. Please, please!
Simon: You'll do anything? All right. I want you to disappear. I'm gonna do my time at the Java Underground, and by the time I get back in a few hours, I want you gone.
Katie: You want me gone?
Simon: Yes! Out of my life, out of this garage -- gone. I want you to take every single thing that belongs to you, all right? And don't drop by to pick up some jacket that you conveniently "forgot." Don't call to retrieve a book or lipstick or some sick plant you have to nurse back to health.
Katie: You don't mean that.
Simon: Because I don't want to see a trace of you again!
Katie: You don't mean that. You don't mean that!
Simon: Do you want to find out how much I don't mean it?
Katie: Simon, you can't kick me out! Listen to me. Halliwell is watching. He will deport you or worse.
Simon: Wrong again, Katie, because the worst has already happened.
Katie: Wait, don't you care about me? Don't you care about me at all? I'm gonna be thrown in jail for my part in this phony marriage! I'm gonna get fined thousands of dollars because I helped you out.
Simon: Well, look at it this way -- at least the "little one" won't be born behind bars.
Katie: Simon, don't do this, please.
Simon: Just be gone by the time I get back, or you'll wish you were.
Katie: Simon, please, don't go! Please. Please don't leave me. Simon, don't leave me, please.

Katie: All right. Okay, okay, okay, it's just a shock to his system. No Lily, no baby -- but he has me. Simon, you will always have me. Okay, this is just a new beginning. It's gonna be great. He needs me now more than ever. He needs you now more than ever, okay? I'm not going anywhere.

Katie: Please, please, please! Oh, Simon!
[Simon enters.]
Katie: Oh, thank God, you're okay. I was so worried. I called Isaac, and he didn't know where you were. I was so -- I'm sorry, I know I wasn't supposed to be here when you got back, but you were so angry when you left.
Simon: That's right, Katie. I was angry. I don't like being lied to. I can't believe I actually bought it. I actually thought you were pregnant.
Katie: I know. I should have never done that to you, and I understand why you're so angry. I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry. I just--I wanted to be here just in case something happened. I thought you might--
Simon: What? Like, drive my car through someone else's living room? No. No, my days of being an interior designer are over.
Katie: I just had this stupid idea that you might be on a plane back to Australia.
Simon: That's not so stupid. I drove around for hours thinking about doing just that.
Katie: What did you decide?
[Lucinda enters and clears throat.]
Lucinda: Nothing much, I bet. But, of course, you don't know everything that I know.

Katie: I'm sure Simon doesn't need your help deciding whether or not to go back to Australia. So, if you wouldn't mind --
Lucinda: I -- I would mind. I mean, you go, you stay. Do whatever you like. Shut the door, though. You'll get pneumonia. Well, Lily's gone -- far, far away on a very long, long vacation with her children.
Simon: Yeah, I know. I know all that.
Lucinda: Yeah? But what you couldn't possibly know, even in this information age, is that, before she left, she was told about the encounter that your car had with my house. And she left anyway, without even a phone call, right?
Simon: So, what? So, what? Is this the part where I'm supposed to collapse, broken by the news? If that's right, you really should've saved your ticket stub.
Lucinda: No, I'm -- I'm actually delighted that you're not devastated. And I'll tell -- I'll tell Lily when she calls that you took the news of her departure with a smile.
Simon: I bet you will. You seem to love putting me in the worst possible light with her. So, what did you do? What? Did -- did you lay it on till she was completely turned off so she couldn't wait to get out of Oakdale?
Lucinda: Holden was home -- true blue Holden. So there were no lies, there was no exaggeration, and there were no omissions, because he wanted her to know everything that had happened so that she could have her own reaction. Well, she did waver for a second or so. And then, thank heavens, she realized that, if she rushed to your rescue, she would cause herself more pain.
Simon: So, it was as simple as that?
Lucinda: In the end. And you do know why, don't you, darling? She never really loved you. You were an infatuation. Yeah, infatuations are wonderful. I mean, it's a -- it's a flame, and it's got a lot of energy and heat. But then it spends itself. And it's out.
Simon: So, why are you here? What? Did you -- did you come around to gloat like some -- some fight fan watching a boxer get slammed? Is -- is that it? Fine, I'm slammed! I'm down for the count. You got your money's worth, after all. Now get out!
Lucinda: I believed you the other night when you said you loved her. But, darling, you took something that didn't belong to you! Now, I think you're smart, and I don't think that you're a man who would make the same mistake twice.
Simon: Falling in love with Lily was not a mistake.
Lucinda: You have to forget Lily, just as she's forgotten you.
Simon: Is there anything else?
Lucinda: You know, you shouldn't believe all my press. I'm not really bad guy all the time. I can sometimes be a veritable angel, like today. I mean, I haven't come here to rejoice in -- in your defeat. I've come to help you.
Simon: Help me? Do what?
Lucinda: Make up your mind.

Lucinda: My friend is still at the I.N.S. He's functioning, he's effective. We can get the charges dropped against you, okay? And then you can use my lawyer, if you want to, to dissolve your marriage to this Martha Stewart wanna-be.
Katie: Hey!
Lucinda: And then you can go home. I will send you home, first class with cash in your jeans -- cash. You can start all over again at home, in style. What do you say?
Simon: I say some things never change. I mean, maybe you've forgotten, but this sounds exactly like the bargain that you offered me months ago.
Lucinda: You just have to face up to something, darling. You were part of a dream that Lily had. But she dreamed, and then she woke up. And she saw the devastation, the pain to Holden. She has taken responsibility for that pain and has gone away to recoup. But she will come back. And when she comes back, she's gonna come back to Holden. And Holden will be waiting.
Simon: Whatever.
Lucinda: So, I think you got two options, two choices. You can take my -- my never to be repeated offer and go home, or you can stay here, and you can do battle with the I.N.S. And you can try to prove to them that you just love and want to be married to this -- this girl -- the wrong girl. I don't get you kids! I really, I don't get you. I really -- I think you're smart! So prove me right!
[Door closes.]

Katie: Can you believe that woman? You are not gonna take her offer, are you? Listen, I will get a job, we will move out of this place.
Simon: As far as I'm concerned, Katie, you've already moved out. I need a shower. I gotta think.
Katie: About us?
Simon: About everything.

Lucinda: Hey.
Simon: What the --
Lucinda: What are you doing down there?
Simon: My job.
Lucinda: You're going to be late! You're due in court this morning!
Simon: I know. My lawyer told me that you'd pulled some strings and moved the date up. Don't worry, I'll be there.
Lucinda: Hey! You know, you can still change your mind, darling. You can still -- look -- look, my offer's still -- it's still open, it still holds.
Simon: Yeah?
Lucinda: Yeah.
Simon: Well, you know what you can do with that?
Lucinda: Yeah, but look, think what you can do with it, darling. Um, I mean, you could -- you could escape from this grease pit, you could get rid of certain other unpleasant realities in your life -- okay -- like a sham marriage. What about that? I know you're proud! I know you're very -- look, here's the ticket. [Lucinda holds up a plane ticket] I want to make this as easy as I can for you, okay? You've got the ticket -- first-class exit -- you got all this money. [Lucinda holds up the money] I will drop the charges. I will - your troubles are over, okay? Going once, going twice --

Lucinda: Okay.
Simon: All right, I'll tell you what.
Lucinda: Good.
Simon: You had better be going, going, gone yourself, or you're gonna be late for court. So take your play money and scat.
Lucinda: That's awfully brave talk for a man who's going to jail.
Simon: I haven't been tried yet -- you know, innocent till proven guilty and all that.
Lucinda: Come on, darling! You don't really think that you're gonna get a reprieve the second time, 'cause it's just not gonna happen!

Katie: You turned her down again? You said you would, but --
Simon: That's right.
Katie: Are you sure that's wise? You're facing some serious charges, all of them felonies.
Simon: I know.
Katie: Why do you always do that? Every time I open my mouth, you walk away, or you treat me like I'm not even here.
Simon: Why should you even care? We're just roommates, you know? We share the same space, but that's all we share, remember?
Katie: Okay, you're still mad about the baby thing. Fine, how many times am I gonna have to apologize?
Simon: I don't think I can count that high.
Katie: Don't I get any points for coming clean? Look, I take a huge chance, admitting to you that I lied about being pregnant, and what does that get me? You get mad at me for being honest?
Simon: Your mind has more twists and turns than a corkscrew, Katie. And I'm gonna be in court in less than an hour, so if you don't mind --
Katie: Oh, I hope you're not blaming me for that, too, because I knew you were way too drunk to drive. And I told you that. I tried to stop you.
Simon: I know that, all right?
Katie: But I'm glad you did it. I wish I would have been there to see the look on Lucinda's face. Do you know how many people in this town would give their I-teeth to do what you did? Bulldozing her front door? But you actually did it. I love that about you.
Simon: Yeah, well, too bad you won't be sitting in the judge's chair. Lucinda's probably arranged for whoever's presiding to sentence me to death.
Katie: Oh, don't be afraid of her. If I have anything to do with it, you will not be going to jail. Picture this -- the tearful wife makes a desperate plea to the judge for a suspended sentence. I tell him that I'm pregnant, and I rely on you for a roof over my head and food on the table.
Simon: Well, firstly, you're not a real wife. Secondly, you're not really pregnant. And you are not going anywhere near that judge.
Katie: Why not? You need someone on your side.
Simon: I know, but not you! Do not go anywhere near that courtroom, okay? Not unless you know what's good for you, Katie.
[Katie alone.]
Katie: You're what's good for me, Simon, dear. And I'm good for you. You just don't know it yet.

Courtroom

Bailiff: All rise. Be seated.
Judge: We're here on docket number 0046914, case number 59103, State of Illinois vs. Mr. Simon Frasier. Prosecutor, are you prepared to proceed?
Jessica: We are, your honor.
Judge: Do we have a plea?
Simon: Your honor, the only guilty person in this whole court is that woman, Lucinda Walsh.
Judge: Order. Order in this court. I don't know what they do in Australia, Mr. Frasier, but here we keep our pleas to a simple guilty or not guilty. Counsel, please advise your client. I don't have time for these theatrics.
Public defender: Your honor, our plea is not guilty, with apologies to the court.
Jessica: Your honor, the state will show that on the evening of February 9th, 2001, the defendant --
Katie: [To Lucinda] Excuse me.
Lucinda: Stop that! Katie --
Katie: It's about your daughter. I've got a big bomb to drop that could explode her entire future.
Jessica: -- The rest of it was at home. At the time the officer on the scene witnessed the defendant threatening him with bodily harm. He was -

Lucinda: What is this nonsense about a bomb, and why are you wearing that ridiculous hat?
Katie: You don't like it?
Lucinda: Come on, darling, tell me quickly. Your guy is getting his comeuppance, and I don't want to miss it.
Katie: Okay. Well, I was wearing this hat, because Simon didn't want me in court today. He was quite ashamed of everything that happened, and he didn't want me to suffer the same embarrassment. And also, I want to be here for him and Lily.
Lucinda: Him and Lily? He and Lily are finished, they're finished, it's kaput. Lily is never coming back to Simon Frasier.
Katie: You're sure about that?
Lucinda: I am. I was sure the moment she didn't rush to him when he was in jail before and try to rescue him, okay? She has washed her hands of him.
Katie: Uh-huh.
Lucinda: Ah. You doubt my word?
Katie: You underestimate me, Lucinda. You don't mind if I call you "Lucinda?"
Lucinda: Everybody does.
Katie: It's just that, well, things have changed since Lily made her big decision and ran off with the kids.
Lucinda: What has changed?
Katie: When Lily left, she thought I was pregnant, and, well -- I'm not.
Lucinda: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you miscarry?
Katie: No, more like miscalculate. I never was pregnant. I lied.
Lucinda: Oh, my! And he knows?
Katie: He does now.
Lucinda: Oh, now, darling, that was very foolish. Schemes like that are doomed to failure. You're not going to win his lifelong devotion that way. But don't you worry. Don't you worry about Lily rushing back when she finds out that you're not pregnant, because she didn't leave because you were pregnant, she left because she wanted to. So, if that's the bomb, the bomb's a dud. If I thought it would do any good, I would try to slap some sense into that pretty face.
Katie: Well, you wouldn't want to do that, I might slap you back. And you might lose your most valuable ally.

Lucinda: You should have told me sooner that we were allies. I could have worn my hat, and we could have had a handshake. And we could have had a clubhouse at the bottom of the garden.
Katie: Laugh all you want, but I am the one who came between Lily and Simon. Lucinda, listen, how do you think Lily's gonna feel when she comes back into town and finds that Simon is rotting away in jail for years maybe? And it's because of her mother. If my mother did something like that to me --
Lucinda: Oh, darling, I'm so glad I'm not your mother. And I think I -- I think I know my daughter better than you. And she knows that when you act out your destructive behavior, sooner or later, you're gonna have to face the music.
Katie: Well, she may see him as a martyr and start some "Free Simon" defense fund. Listen, I can see it now. She's rushing to his aid, rushing to get him out of jail. Because, after all, he is in jail because of her.
Lucinda: Utter nonsense.
Katie: But you're thinking about it, aren't you? Listen, I can help you. I can be sort of an insurance policy for you, if you let me. I can make sure that Simon is never available for Lily again. But if he's in jail, I can't do anything.
Lucinda: Hmm.