Katie: What do you think you're doing?
Lily: I'm going out there to stall them and you two are getting married now.
Margo: Oh, Lily, think what you're doing here.
Tom: Those guys are federal agents.
Simon: How can I, Lily? Not after what you just said.
Lily: I know what I said, but it's not going to work. You're going to have to do this for us and do it now.
Simon: What are you going to tell the I.N.S.?
Lily: I don't know. I'll figure something out!
Tom: They have orders to make an arrest. Don't open yourself up to obstruction of justice here --
Lily: I will not obstruct anything. I'll just stall it for a little while. Now, you just have to -- just do it.
Katie: Okay, come on, Simon.
Margo: Oh, please! I can't believe you're dragging them back into this again.
Katie: Nobody is dragging anyone into anything. Would you please just butt out of this and be our witnesses?
Simon: Okay, are you sure about this?
Lily: I'm sure. I can't say good-bye to you. I just can't -- so just do it.
Katie: Okay, let's go -- everybody's here -- dearly beloved, start with the vows and make it quick.
Margo: Wait, wait -- wait a minute, Simon, you were thinking clearly a minute ago. What happened?
Simon: Lily. All right, that's what happened. You heard what she said. She wants this, all right? So we have to do it.
Margo: Yeah, but she's not thinking clearly. She's hysterical.
Tom: Marrying Katie is utterly and entirely wrong for so many reasons.
Katie: Would you two please just butt out of this? Listen, Lily begged you to do this, because she realized it's the only thing that makes sense. It's marry me now, today, and stay in the country -- or go turn yourself in and never see her again.

Lily: Oh, Agent Halliwell! I'm so glad you're here.
Halliwell: Somehow, I doubt that. Where's Simon?
Lily: I have no --
Pendleton: Yeah, we've got him a one-way ticket back to Australia.
Lily: I don't know where he is. But I do have some information, and I could really use your help.
Halliwell: Yeah, what kind of information?
Lily: Simon is going to get married.
Halliwell: And how did that information get you to this courthouse with a police escort?
Lily: I couldn't find you. So I went to the police station and I spoke to a friend. And she suggested that maybe they arranged to get married in a neighboring township outside of Oakdale. So I came here and they're not here. We were wrong. But they have to be close by. I could use your help. Please, I could really use your help to find them and stop this wedding!

Judge: Excuse me -- are we having a wedding this evening, or aren't we?
Katie: Yes, aren't we?
Margo: No, wait, Katie, wait. What you do in the next minute is going to affect you for the rest of your life. Do you understand that?
Katie: I understand everything I need to understand.
Tom: We are the only two people here that are looking down the road. All you see is right now. If you go through with this, you're going to live with this for a long time.
Katie: Well, this decision has already been made, can't you see that? Lily's out there right now putting herself on the line. You can't let Lily risk everything and then go back on your word, Simon. She would be in more trouble with the I.N.S. than you ever were.
Simon: All right, all right. I'm ready, your honor. We're sorry for the delay. Let's go.
Judge: I know that this is a civil ceremony. And people sometimes don't take it as seriously. But I do. Now, I need to believe that a couple is sure.
Simon: We are sure. We are very sure.
Katie: Yes, your honor, of course we're sure. And we are very ready. So let's get on with it and make it fast.
Judge: Just let me find the right page.
Simon: Come on, surely you know the words. You must've done this at least a million times.
Judge: We are here to witness the joining in matrimony of Kathryn Peretti and Simon Frasier -
Katie: I do already! I do.

Judge: If any person present knows of any impediment to this marriage, they should declare it now.
Katie: Nope, everybody's fine with it. Okay, go on.
Simon: And can you just jump ahead to the absolutely necessary parts?
Judge: Love and commitment?
Katie: Got that -- skip ahead.
Judge: The exchange of rings?
Katie: Oh, I got those. Okay, here's your's -- and mine -- done deal.
Judge: All right. We'll name the vows.

Lily: I'm telling you, we're wasting time!
Halliwell: And I'm telling you, I'm not going to be sent on another wild goose chase. Now, I want a straight answer about Frasier's whereabouts.
Lily: Don't you see? The longer we stand here, the more likely it is that they're at some other courthouse exchanging vows.

Simon: We're not going to make it.
Katie: Yes we are -- can we say our own vows?
Judge: Oh, all right.

Halliwell: Stand aside, Mrs. Snyder -- I think we'll just have a word with the judge.
Lily: What are you doing? We're losing time! I've looked in there already!

Katie: Um, okay -- I, Katie, take you, Simon, to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold, to love and cherish, through sickness and health. For richer or poorer -- through rain, snow, sleet, hail and the darkness of night. Till death do we part, I do. Your turn.
Simon: Okay, I, Simon, take you, Katie, in richness and poorness. And all the other beautiful things that you just said. Righto, ditto, right back at you -- um -- yada, yada, yada -- amen, hallelujah and I do. I do, okay. Is that okay?
Judge: I now pronounce you man and wife. Do you think you can spare the time to kiss the bride?
Katie: That's your cue, honey.
Simon: Hey, you're too late, guys. I'm already married.
Halliwell: Congratulations -- but I wouldn't start throwing the rice just yet.

Simon: Well, I'm sorry, fellas. I would have invited you, but I seem to have misplaced your card. By the way, I think you've met my lovely wife, Katie -- you know, I was about to say Katie Peretti, but that's not right anymore, is it? Sweetheart --
Katie: Oh, I hope you'll wish us well. We are so excited. This is so romantic, isn't it?
Halliwell: Is there a license for these two?
Judge: It's right here. I don't believe we've been introduced.
Halliwell: Agent Douglas Halliwell. Immigration and Naturalization. And this is Agent Pendleton. You presided over this marriage?
Judge: It wasn't one of my more conventional ceremonies, but they are indeed lawfully wed. All the papers are in order. Now, if you will excuse me, it's been a long evening. A very long evening.
Halliwell: I'll be in touch, your honor, if I have any more questions about this so-called "marriage."
Judge: Well, you know where to find me.
Halliwell: You know, "legal" in this sense is a technical term. It's obvious this wedding is a sham.
Simon: No, no, no. It was sudden, you know, I'll grant you that. But I'm sure we're not the first couple to tie the knot on the spur of the moment.
Halliwell: No, Mr. Frasier, you're not the first. Other people have gotten married on the day they were being deported -- stupid people.
Katie: Well, wait, "sudden" does not mean "unexpected." I told you that we were engaged the day that you came by the garage. And that was way before I even heard of your crazy "kick you out of the country before you even say anything" law.
Pendleton: Yeah, and of course the timing is just a coincidence, right?
Katie: This is no marriage of convenience. Simon and I are in love.
Halliwell: Is that true? Are you in love with her?
Simon: Yeah, of course I am. I mean, would I do this if I wasn't?
Halliwell: And how is it you missed this ceremony when you were searching the building for your friend?
Lily: I don't know. I came in here and there was no one here, and so I left.
Simon: Look, it's my fault! That's my fault. All my fault -- I'm sorry. Lily, I saw you searching for me, so I hid. I shouldn't have. But I couldn't stand facing you. I know I led you to believe that my feelings for Katie were different than what they are. But do not accuse Lily of anything. She has got nothing to do with what went on here.
Halliwell: Look, I wasn't born yesterday. And I'm not buying a word of this. You got married to avoid being deported, end of story.
Simon: No, no, no -- Katie and I have been planning on getting married for weeks. Sure we moved up our plans, but that's only because you moved up my deportation date. I thought I would at least get a hearing.
Halliwell: Oh, I assure you, Mr. Frasier, your case got ample consideration.
Katie: Ample? You call a few days ample?
Halliwell: Look, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to help out a friend. But you're making a big mistake, Miss Peretti -- punishable by law.
Katie: Simon is not just a "friend," he's my husband. And that's Mrs. Frasier to you.
Halliwell: I'm sorry. This is just not going to cut it.
Katie: You think that I would get married as a favor? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Simon and I are in love. We have done what in-love people do. You want an affidavit? We're not just good buddies. Fine, you want -- you want proof of intimacy? Time, date, distinguishing birthmarks? We can do that for you. You know, I shouldn't really have to say this, but you must have some test that can prove that we've had sex.
Halliwell: You two are being awfully quiet over there. Detective Hughes, isn't it? Miss Peretti's sister?
Margo: Yes, and this is my husband, Tom Hughes.
Katie: And they are here because they believe in us and our marriage. I asked my sister to stand up for me. And yes, she had her reservations at first, but only because I'm so young.
Halliwell: This morning, I asked you to help me locate Mr. Frasier.
Margo: Yes -- yes, you did. And obviously you didn't need my assistance at all.
Halliwell: So you're saying the sole purpose for you being here is to support your sister's nuptials?
Margo: I'm not saying anything. Let's go.
Halliwell: Well, that's all the answer I need.

Halliwell: Your own sister won't even support you in this quickie marriage.
Katie: Well, you don't know Margo. She was just very upset that we decided to elope, instead of having the big "wedding in a church" thing. Which frankly, I would have preferred, too, but you and your agency forced us to make other plans. Don't you think I would have loved to have a real wedding dress, with bridesmaids and pretty crowns of flowers?
Halliwell: What do you have to say about all this?
Simon: Leave Lily out of this. She knew nothing about our wedding plans, and she's already been through enough.
Halliwell: All right. If you all insist on sticking by this pathetic story, let me tell you what you're in for. You're going to have to prove through clear and convincing evidence that this is a bona fide marriage. And be forewarned, I'm going to see to this case personally. So you better make sure you dot every "I" and cross every "T" -- because I'm going to be watching you like a hungry broker watches the stock market. Pendleton, you want to tell them what else they can expect?
Pendleton: Oh, you mean the random checks?
Halliwell: That's right. We drop in unannounced to say hello.
Pendleton: Time-consuming interrogations --
Halliwell: In my office, at the earliest opportunity. You better be prepared. You better have touching family photographs, corroborating testimony from family and friends -- the works. One slipup, and that's it. The charges are fraud and conspiracy to defraud the United States government. The maximum penalty -- $250,000 and five years in jail. That means you better memorize every last freckle on the bottom-side of your new husband here, because I'm going to dig deep. My questions are going to make being under a microscope like a day at the beach. And you -- you, who tells me he loves his blushing bride -- well, let me tell you something, mister, you better hope you do, because she's yours for the next two years of your life.

Halliwell: It's a long time, two years, isn't it? Hope you can wait it out, Mrs. Snyder.
Lily: I have no emotional investment in the length of this marriage.
Halliwell: Really? You sure had an "emotional investment" a few moments ago, when you were trying to keep me out of this room.
Simon: Look, I told you to leave Lily out of this.
Lily: That was before I knew how close Simon and Katie were.
Halliwell: I see. You know, the I.N.S. feels very strong about that kind of closeness. According to the law of this country, marriage is the union between one man and one woman, entered into voluntarily for life, to the exclusion of all others. That means your friend, Mr. Frasier, here is going to have to spend every night in the bed of his lawfully wedded wife. Is that clear?
Simon: Crystal. So now that you've put us on notice, is there anything else?
Halliwell: As a matter of fact, there is. I noticed that your cars weren't outside. How did you get here?
Simon: Well, Katie's nephew, Bryant, was good enough to drop us off, wasn't he?
Katie: Mm-hmm.
Halliwell: But he didn't want to stick around for the touching ceremony? Well, I guess you guys need a ride home. Pendleton and I will be happy to give you a lift.
Katie: That would be great! We would love a ride home.
Halliwell: I'm sure you want to get on with your honeymoon, huh?
Katie: Oh, you are right about that. Come on, honey, let's get going. I'm so excited. Oh, my gosh! I forgot. You almost made me forget one of the most important parts of the ceremony. Well, you're not exactly single -- not just yet -- but you'll have to do. Great catch -- I guess that makes two of us.

Outside Burt's Garage

Katie: Buh bye, thanks for the ride Mr. Halliwell!
Simon: Yeah, thanks for nothing.
Katie: Wait, Simon! Aren't you forgetting something?
Simon: Look, all I can see is Lily's face when Halliwell tried to scare us. The look in her eye when she heard that you and I would have to be married for - for two whole years!
Katie: Okay, do you think you could stop being miserable long enough to honor one small tradition? The threshold! I can't very well walk across it with my own two feet.
Simon: No, no, no. I - there is no way I'm carrying you across the threshold.
Katie: Uh, yes there is.
Simon: No, I don't think so.
Katie: Well, I wouldn't be so adamant about it, but Halliwell and his friend are watching every move we make. So we might as well make this look real. Hmm?
Simon: Fine. Fine.
[Simon carries Katie over the threshold]
Simon: There, you happy?
Katie: Very!
Simon: Look, Katie. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I really do. But once we are inside this apartment and this door here is shut, this marriage is nothing but an arrangement, okay? You understand that, yeah?
Katie: Of course, I do.
Simon: Good, good.
Katie: I'm the one that came up with idea, and it worked brilliantly, I might add. Let's celebrate.
Simon: Look, Katie, there is no marriage, so there is nothing to celebrate. Didn't you hear me?
Katie: Well, maybe not. But we beat the I.N.S. We kept you from being deported. And in my mind, that is reason enough for some bubbly and a toast. So what can we use for champagne?
Simon: This is not very fun for me. You know, I just can't share your enthusiasm.
Katie: You are so moody. But you will get over it as soon as you realize what an amazing feat we pulled off.
Simon: Look, I wouldn't count on it. I love Lily, and I left her standing there completely alone. You know, I would hate to think what she's feeling right now.
Katie: Well, in the morning you can call and ask her. I'm sure she's relieved, Simon. I'm sure she is relieved that you are not on a plane back to where you came from, huh? So -- come on, let's talk.
Simon: Look, I'm tired, you know? I just want to go to bed.
Katie: Okay, you want to go to bed? This is your day, honey. We can do whatever you want.

Burt's Garage, Simon's Room

Katie: Pretty cozy, huh?
Simon: Look, this isn't going to work.
Katie: Of course it is. Hey, we fit in the back seat of that convertible. I think this is probably about twice the size, and the sheets aren't vinyl.
Simon: I'm going to go sleep in the garage.
Katie: Simon, wait, you can't!
Simon: Katie, this is not a real honeymoon in any sense of the word!
Katie: I know that.
Simon: You keep saying that you know, but you keep acting like it is.
Katie: Acting, Simon. "Acting" is the operative word. Look, Halliwell said he's going to be watching our every move. So our acting has to be great. We have to act our roles perfectly. Look, if you go sleep in the garage, all they have to do is look through the window and see you sleeping in the back of a car on your honeymoon -- on your wedding night. They'll ship you right back to where you came from.
Simon: All right. Don't forget.
Katie: I know -- no honey, no moon.
Simon: And no sex.
Katie: I know.
[Simon sighs]
Simon: Well, you don't think those guys are going to camp outside all night, do you?
Katie: Well, I wouldn't put it past them. You might as well make this look real. Come on -- lie down -- get comfortable.
Simon: Aw!
Katie: What's the matter?
Simon: Haven't you got a nightgown or something else to put on?
Katie: Oh, please, I'm not gonna wear a granny gown on my wedding night.
Simon: Well, the heating is really shot in here. It's really bad. I mean, you're gonna get so cold.
Katie: Well, we'll keep each other warm. Simon, I don't like to sleep all bundled up. That's why I don't wear much to bed. The I.N.S. guys are going to want you to know those type of things.
Simon: What are you -- what are you doing? What are you doing?
Katie: Well, I'm doing research. They also said they wanted to know intimate details. Freckles -- I'm looking for those freckles they were talking about. And I'm going to need to know your sleeping habits. Do you like to spoon?
Simon: Cut it out, Katie. Cut it out, please.
Katie: Spoilsport -- look, I know this didn't exactly turn out the way you wanted it to, but everything's going to work out. I've got plans for us, Simon. We're not going to be in this garage for forever, you know. I know how to make things happen. Look at what happened today! We started the day as Simon and Katie on the run. And we ended the day as Mr. and Mrs. Frasier. Mr. and Mrs. Frasier -- I like the sound of that.
Simon: Good night, Katie.
Katie: A lot can happen in two years. This is just the beginning. I mean, if I can turn this grease pit into a home in two days, I think I can do anything. Simon, you just have to look to the future. You know, think positive. I see us in a big house -- maybe not as big as Lily's -- but big enough for two up-and-comers on the move. I'll have my own talk show or something, and I'll get you a really cool job, too. Simon, are you listening? Simon?

Katie: Hey! Simon, look, I decorated. This place looked so dreary without any stockings or anything. I mean, it's no Marshall Field's window, but at least it looks a little bit more like the holidays.
Simon: It looks great. Hey, I thought you were gonna look for a job today.
Katie: Yeah, I haven't had a lot of luck with that. The only thing people are hiring for are part-time sales clerks, and I need something a lot better than that. But it's not like I haven't been busy. I mean, it took me half the day to decorate this place, and then I tended to another bit of business.
Simon: Yeah, what's that?
Katie: Well, it's something very important. And it's very good news.
Simon: What did you do, Katie?
Katie: Look, I know you weren't very big on the idea at the beginning, but it's only because we didn't have a lot of money.
Simon: What did you do?
Katie: I got my big brother Craig to spring for a honeymoon -- $1,000 worth. Isn't that great?
Simon: Yeah. Yeah, actually, it is.
Katie: Well, so, you're -- you're okay with it?
Simon: Yeah, I am. Actually, I've been thinking. I think a trip is a good way for us to cram for any upcoming I.N.S. tests. And we do need to know a lot more about each other.
Katie: Wow, I mean, I can't believe you're being so good about this.
Simon: And I can't believe that your family would spring for a trip. I mean, they must think I'm the devil incarnate for getting you into this marriage.
Katie: Well, it's not exactly a gift. I mean, it is a gift, but -- well, no $1,000 honeymoon comes without one little string attached.
Simon: All right, out with it, Katie.
Katie: We have to spend Christmas with my family.

Simon: No way, Katie, absolutely no way. The only thing your family wants to do is hang me from the Christmas tree.
Katie: Come on, Simon, this is the only way we're gonna able to afford to go away. We have to do this. If you're worried about being grilled, it's nothing compared to the grilling that we're gonna get from the I.N.S. -- which, by the way, Agent Halliwell left a little message on our machine. He would like to set up an appointment to interrogate us. You know that, if we don't have the right answers that he is looking for, it's off to Australia for you and to the county prison for me.
Simon: All right, fine. Okay? You made your point. But only one very quick and brief visit. That's it.
Katie: Really? Oh, thank you!
[Katie kisses Simon]
Simon: Katie!
Katie: Mistletoe. Okay, anyway, I have been researching all kinds of honeymoon destinations -- you know, airfare, resorts. And if you hunt really hard, you can find some really good deals, which means, lots more money for the extras -- lunch by the pool, drinks with the little umbrellas in them. Ooh, I can't wait! It's gonna be amazing! Merry Christmas, baby. This is gonna be the best one yet!

Katie: Hey, where are you guys going?
Adam: Actually, we're really, really late to go for a hockey game. So, we'll see you later, all right?
Katie: All right.

Simon: I've heard that cannibals often send their kids off to play before preparing the main meal.
Katie: Come on, it won't be that bad.
Simon: Oh, no, no -- just fun and games with my new mother-in-law, your sister, the cop, her husband, the lawyer, and your brother, the megalomaniac. Happy holidays!

Tom and Margo Hughes' Home

Lyla: Why can't we just have a nice, calm Merry Christmas like everybody else?
Craig: Because, for one thing, mama, my baby sister is out of control. Believe me, this is the best gift you can give her.
Tom: I think we're set to go.
Margo: Oh, mama, I know this is harsh, but we've got to give Katie a reality check before it's too late.

Craig: Mom, Katie never told you anything about the debacle at the Endicott awards?
Lyla: I didn't even know that she had been fired.
Margo: That's typical Katie.
Lyla: And what did the two of you do to try to help?
Margo: We did everything we could, but she's a really hard person to help. I mean, she lied to all of us repeatedly.
Craig: We tried being nice and understanding, mom, but it doesn't work. So we had to bring out the secret weapon -- you.
Lyla: I don't feel comfortable with this. I haven't even talked with Katie. I don't know her side of the story.
Margo: Well, you're gonna hear the works tonight -- the tears, the threats.
Craig: Yeah, and don't back down. Don't let her snow you.
Margo: Mama, I know that this is painful, but you've got to work with us here and take the hard line, or else this evening isn't gonna help Katie if we don't stick together.

Outside Tom and Margo Hughes' Home

Katie: I promise it won't be too painful. My mother will keep Margo and Craig in line. You just -- just be your cute self and act very married.
Simon: Don't, Katie. Don't, please.
Katie: What? What's wrong?
Simon: This -- all of it. You married me to keep me in the country. I have told you, Katie, I am grateful, but the rest of this -- the in-laws, the honeymoons -- I didn't sign on for it, okay? I'm sorry, Katie, I'm not gonna do this.

Tom and Margo Hughes' Home

Craig: Mama, Katie refuses to take responsibility for anything, particularly her failures, mistakes.
Margo: And you know who she blames for those? You.
Lyla: Me?
Margo: Yeah. To hear her tell it, every corner she ever cut was because she was desperate for success. Why? Because of her difficult childhood.
Lyla: "Difficult?" Well, that's ridiculous. I mean, I was a working mom, sure, we traveled a great deal, but I -- I did not neglect Katie.
Tom: You know, I wouldn't take it personally. She's just looking for somebody to blame besides herself.
Margo: Yeah, mama, just get ready to see a very different, very self-absorbed young woman.

Outside Tom and Margo Hughes' Home

Katie: You are my husband. It is Christmas. You can't just leave me high and dry. Besides, Craig want give us the $1,000 for our honeymoon if you don't show.
Simon:Oh, that would be awful, wouldn't it? Look, I don't like the feel of this, Katie. And Craig paying for us to turn up, that's -- that's twisted is what it is.
Katie: You're forgetting about my mother. She hasn't seen me in so long. She'll be so happy, it'll turn into a regular lovefest, trust me.
Simon: No. No, I still think I'm gonna have to pass.
Katie: Fine, be practical, Simon. The I.N.S. Is gonna eventually want to interview my entire family. We have to get everyone we can on our side. And who better than my mother to convince the I.N.S. That our marriage is real?

[Cell phone ringing.]
Simon: Hello?
Lily: Hi, I don't have much time, but I wanted to hear your voice.
Simon: Hey, I'm glad you called. Where are you?
Lily: I'm at my mother's for a fun-filled family evening.
Simon: Yeah, 'tis the season.

....

Katie: So, what did Lily want?
Simon: All right, maybe you're right.
Katie: What, really? You'll come in with me?
Simon: I can't be deported, not now, can I? So you tell me how we're gonna make this thing work.
Katie: Okay, well, you just be your enticing self, just charm my mother like you do all the rest of the ladies. It'll be a piece of cake.

Tom and Margo Hughes' Home

[Knock at door.]
Margo: Hi, come on in.
Tom: Hi.
Katie: Mama.
Lyla: Hello, sweetheart. Oh, it's been so long. I missed you.
Katie: I missed you so much. Mama, I have someone for you to meet. This is my husband, Simon.
Simon: Nice to meet you, Mrs. Peretti.
Lyla: Yes.

Katie: Simon's from Australia, mama.
Lyla: Yes, I gathered from his accent. Well, what do you do for a living, Mr. Frasier?
Simon: Please, call me Simon. Well, right now I'm working a garage.
Craig: Mama, he doesn't actually have a profession, per se.
Katie: Simon is a man of many talents. He even plays a few instruments. Wait till you hear him play the guitar.
Lyla: Oh. Is that how you earn your living, as a musician?
Katie: Well, Simon's working pretty much 24/7 at the garage right now, until just the right career opportunity comes along.
Simon: The garage is a -- is a good situation right now. It supports Katie and me, which is what's important. But your work sounds far more interesting. Katie tells me you're a singer. I've always wondered what a performing career would be like.
Lyla: The most important career in my life has always been being a mother.
Katie: Yeah, well -- oh, Simon and I brought a nice bottle of champagne to help celebrate our triple celebration.
Tom: "Triple celebration?"
Katie: Yeah, well, it's Christmas, and it's our wedding week, and it's our first reunion with mama in a long time, all at the same time. You want to open the bottle, honey? I'll get some glasses.
Craig: No, don't -- don't. This is not a night for champagne. The reason you were invited here was not to welcome a husband, even you, Katie, barely know, into our family.
Simon: Then why are we here, Craig?
Craig: To prove to Katie that marrying you was a mistake and to end this bogus marriage before it goes on a day longer.

Katie: Craig, how could you do this? We haven't all been together for Christmas in years, and you're exploiting mama's visit to sabotage me?
Margo: Katie, we're all in on this.
Katie: Except for mama.
Lyla: Katie, just calm down and listen for one minute.
Katie: Not you, too?
Lyla: Me, too? Oh, you mean the selfish mother who supposedly abandoned you and raised you in motel rooms? Does that sound familiar?
Katie: So you're here to attack me?
Lyla: No, I'm here to help you. This marriage seems to be one more bad decision in a string of bad decisions.
Katie: I am settling down. I'm finally getting my life together, mama. You don't even know Simon. You barely know me anymore. How can you judge my marriage on what they say?
Lyla: They've been here. They've seen what you've been up to. Katie, this kind of behavior can't go on, sweetheart.
Katie: What behavior? You let these hypocrites talk to you about me? Who are any of you to judge? Craig -- his sexual exploits are practically legendary before, during and after his marriage. Have we forgotten that Margo cheated on Tom? But I guess that's okay, because he slept with Emily Stewart.
Tom: That's enough, Katie.
Katie: No, it's not. None of you -- including you, mama -- have managed to stay with one person. So how dare you condemn me for finding a man -- a good man -- and wanting to make it work.
Margo: "Make it work?" Katie, it's not a marriage. It's a pretense. We all witnessed that ridiculous ceremony. The only you reason you married Simon Frasier is to keep him from being deported!
Katie: Mama, how can you even believe any of this?
Craig: Was he or was he not about to be shipped out when you got married?
Katie: I was staying at his place. We had a relationship.
Craig: Yeah, and didn't the I.N.S. rush in seconds after you rushed through your "I dos?"
Katie: Yes, we had to move up the wedding, but we were gonna get married anyway.
Craig: Katie -- can you look at your mother and tell her this a real marriage?
Lyla: Katie, please. He's right. Now stop kidding yourself.
Simon: Well, well, well, so much for the warm family reunion by the tree.
Craig: Simon, let's go outside.
Katie: No, don't you even do that.
Simon: No, no, no. No, Katie, it's fine. I believe big brother and I are long overdue for a chat.

Outside Tom and Margo Hughes' Home

Simon: Whoa. Using Katie's own mother against her -- that's low.
Craig: Not as low as using my sister when the woman you really want is Lily Snyder.

Simon: Well, you don't seem to have much to say. But I suppose you got word to keep me occupied while the deprograms snatch Katie and carry her away.
Craig: Actually, it's her mother, but that's okay with you, isn't it? After all the time you've put in trying to get to Lily and her money.
Simon: Looks, it's cold out here, so let's get on with it. Are you giving me an ultimatum or what?
Craig: No, I was just giving my sister a chance to dump you first. And if that doesn't work --
Simon: Oh, then you'll step in and take over -- the control freak who thinks he can manipulate anyone into anything. You see, I'm not one of those people, and I'm here to stay, like my marriage.

Tom and Margo Hughes' Home

Tom: I've drawn up annulment papers. When filed, this marriage can be over. When signed, you can avoid your problems with the I.N.S. And prison.
Katie: But Simon will be deported.
Tom: No, they will send him back to Australia where he will not face criminal charges. Simon will be fine.
Margo: And then, Katie, you can start over, and you can do something good with your life.
Lyla: Sweetheart, a life that I know that you really deserve. Just end this now. Because the longer you wait, the harder it's going to get.
Katie: End my marriage? In your dreams.

Tom: The I.N.S. will not go away, Katie. What they will do is an extensive investigation into your marriage, which will put you in serious jeopardy. So you better think about this.
Katie: I'll risk it. It's a hell of a lot safer than turkey dinner with my cozy family. And you owe me.
Craig: I do?
Katie: You lured us to this tender get-together with a cash reward. The least you can do is pay up.
Lyla: Your brother had to pay you to come see me?
Katie: No, mama, it wasn't like that. You don't understand.
Lyla: Go ahead, Craig, pay her. Whatever you promised her, pay her.
Craig: This marriage is a mistake, Katie.
[Craig holds the money out to her]
Simon: Kate, it's up to you. Do whatever you want.
[Katie grabs the money and runs out the door]
Simon: And a Merry Christmas to all.

Outside Tom and Margo Hughes' Home

Simon: Hey, that was intense, but you're incredible. I can't believe we pulled it off. Katie? [Katie turns around crying and hugs Simon] Oh, hey. Hey, I'm so sorry. It's okay.

Simon: Somehow, undecking the halls is never quite so jolly.
Katie: Simon -- oh, I'm so glad I caught you in time.
Simon: In time for what? What's wrong?
Katie: I just -- I wanted to save our angel.
Simon: I'm sure you can get another one like it next year.
Katie: Well, I'm sure I probably could. It's just that -- well, this Christmas had the potential of being a major disaster with my family trying to ambush me and all and -- well, you made everything okay. More than okay, and I just -- I just wanted to save this angel to remind me that I had a guardian angel this Christmas.
Simon: I don't think I deserve to be canonized just for treating you with some consideration.
Katie: No, I'm just -- I'm just grateful.
Simon: Hey, if I've been kind, I'm returning the favor -- a very big favor.
Katie: Yeah, I guess you're right. Not many women would marry a guy just so he could stay in the country.
Simon: No. No, not many sane ones, anyway. Speaking of which, I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment at the I.N.S. Office.
Katie: That's today?
Simon: Yeah, like in 15 minutes. You ready to go?
Katie: We're not ready. Simon, we barely know anything about each other.
Simon: Relax. I think we know enough to get through one meeting.
Katie: What's my favorite dessert?
Simon: Creme brulee.
Katie: Banana split. Favorite book?
Simon: "Anna Karenina?"
Katie: Who's she?
Simon: All right, fine. Okay, I get it, I see your point. Maybe we should put it off a little bit, buy ourselves some time to get to know each other better.
Katie: Yeah, and with our honeymoon right around the corner, there's plenty of opportunity.

Simon: Look, of course I was nervous when I met my mother-in-law for the first time. I mean, come on, who isn't? But my fears were unfounded. Lyla was warm and gracious. And my sister-in-law and her husband have welcomed me with open arms. You remember Tom and Margo from the wedding, don't you?
Halliwell: I remember everything about your wedding, Mr. Frasier. Tell me, why did you include this credit card offer?
Simon: Oh, yes. You see this? Look at the addressee -- Kathryn Frasier.
Halliwell: And that's supposed to prove that you and Kathryn are married?
Simon: Well, it's a small piece of evidence in a much larger picture.
Halliwell: I see. Except there's one crucial element missing from this "picture" -- Mrs. Frasier.
Simon: Oh, I know.
Halliwell: She was supposed to join us.
Simon: I know. She had every intention of coming.
Halliwell: But what? She came down with a sudden case of the flu?
Simon: No. No, thank goodness. She's in perfect health. She's just, you know, very busy organizing the honeymoon -- all the arrangements.
Halliwell: I see. Tell me, where do you and your lovely bride plan to spend this romantic getaway? Because if you had any thoughts of leaving the country --
Simon: No. No, no, no. We're not even leaving the state, actually. We're going to Bay City.
Halliwell: Really? I would have thought you'd choose a more exotic locale, say a remote tropical island.
Simon: You see, we don't have the bank account for that. Not yet, anyway. And like you just said, we can't even leave the country. But we don't need an expensive destination, just a very private one.
Halliwell: I'm impressed, Frasier. You came well prepared. You play the game better than most.
Simon: Look, Agent Halliwell, you can obsess over this case all you like, but you're wasting your time.
Halliwell: I'll take that chance. In the meantime, I'm gonna give you fair warning. I'm gonna be watching you when you least expect it. And the first time you slip up in any way at all, I'm gonna slam dunk you right back to Australia, faster than you can sing "Waltzing Matilda."

Burt's Garage, Simon's Room

[Katie is packing lingerie for her honeymoon]
Katie: Hmm, the willing virgin look. No, Simon knows I'm no virgin. Next. Okay, how about -- good girl turned bad. Yeah, this might make it hard for Simon to be a good boy. But, then again, who can resist this baby? Well, three nights, three different looks. I'll take them all.

Agent Halliwell's Office

Simon: I came to this country determined to follow the rules, to report all my movements to the agency. But, eventually, that became impossible, due to circumstances out of my control.
Halliwell: Don't tell me, your dog ate our phone number?
Simon: No. No. Look, my late sister deposited Lily Snyder and me on an uninhabited island. There were no phones, no methods of communication whatsoever. Look, otherwise, I would have contacted the authorities and extended my stay in a proper legal manner. You have to believe that.
Halliwell: All right. I'm gonna tell you something, Frasier, and it's pretty much off the record, so I wouldn't put much stock in it if I were you.
Simon: Yeah?
Halliwell: As far as I can tell, you're okay. I mean, you haven't hurt anyone, and some decent people are apparently very fond of you. But this is not about whether or not I like you. My job is to enforce the law, and you broke it.
Simon: With good reason.
Halliwell: I've heard your reason. And if you don't mind my saying so, you have gotten yourself into a very bizarre situation. I don't know how a guy with such a clean record could end up in such a mess.
Simon: That's a good question. It all started when I fell in love with a woman unlike any person I've ever met before in my life.
Halliwell: I see. Tell me more about this, um -- love of your life.

Simon: I never thought much about the notion of love at first sight. But soon as I laid my eyes on her, I was gone. She was so full of contradictions -- sophisticated, yet somehow naive, strong but vulnerable, and gentle, yet so fierce. And it was all right there in her eyes.
Halliwell: We are talking about your wife, Kathryn?
Simon: Yeah, of course. Katie. Who else?
Halliwell: You tell me.
Simon: Look, Agent Halliwell, you haven't see us at our best. I mean, the night of the wedding was so full of obstacles, and it was tense because of the resistance of Katie's family. But the love beneath those hurried vows is real, you know? And always will be, till death do us part. And Katie's family sees that now.
Halliwell: All right. Take your love of your life to the hot bed of romance, Bay City, but I want you back in my office the day you return to answer questions about the state of your union. And you better check in with me daily while you're away.
Simon: You can count on it.
Halliwell:If you're telling the truth and I come to find that you and Kathryn are married in the true legal sense, then it's possible, possible you maybe allowed to stay in the United States.
Simon: Well, that would be a dream come true, sir.
Halliwell: And on the other hand, if I come to find evidence that this romance of the century is a fraud, I will ship you back to Australia on the spot. And you'll never set foot in this country again. Is that understood?
Simon: Understood, sir. Crystal clear.
Halliwell: Good. Then I assume it's also understood that I will continue to make your life as hellish as humanly possible. It's nothing personal, Frasier. It's my job.
Simon: And you do it so well, sir. Good day.

Burt's Garage

Katie: Hey, how'd it go?
Simon: Fine.
Katie: Fine? Our fate lies in the hands of Agent guy and all you can say is "Fine?"
Simon: Well, it seems, "Agent guy" has decided to reserve judgment about on our marriage for the time being. But he's expecting us in his office as soon as we return from Bay City. And we'd better be ready to pull off convincing performances by then or we're both be facing fraud charges.
Katie: Look at you.
Simon: Haven't you heard a word I just said?
Katie: Unfortunately, yes. And I think you're being way too pessimistic. It's no wonder you're so tense.
Simon: Katie, I am not tense. All right?
Katie: Oh no? Simon, then why are all your muscles so tied up in knots, huh?
Simon: Look, it's been a very trying day.
Katie: Well, why don't you let me help you unwind, fix you a nice strong drink, we'll put on some good music, and then we can -- you know.
Simon: Look, Katie, you know that we have an agreement on that subject.
[Agent Halliwell enters the garage].
Halliwell: And what subject would that be, Mr. Frasier?

Halliwell: It's not a difficult question. You two have some sort of agreement? Explain it to me.
Katie: We would, it's just kind of embarrassing. Isn't that right, sweetheart.
Simon: Yeah, yeah, that's right -- darling. Most embarrassing.
Halliwell: You wouldn't believe the things I hear on this job. Go ahead, tell me.
Katie: Well, Simon and I have this agreement that we can't make love more than three times a day.
Halliwell: Now, that's one I haven't heard.
Katie: I'm sorry, honey, but he asked. And you said that we were supposed to answer all of the questions honestly. You know, there's actually a reason why we had to put a limit on it --
Simon: Ah, let's -- let's spare Agent Halliwell the sordid details, dumpling.
Katie: I'm just trying to help the man do his job.
Halliwell: I appreciate the gesture, Mrs. Frasier. But maybe we've had enough full disclosure for one day.
Katie: Well, then, if you wouldn't mind leaving us a alone for a moment, we are still newlyweds. What's wrong, sweetheart?
Simon: Nothing. I just -- I just don't want to -- make Agent Halliwell to feel uncomfortable.
Halliwell: Ah, I appreciate the concern, Frasier, but I'm made of strong stock. Anyway, I'm not here to question you.
Simon: Right, right. Then, why are you here?
Halliwell: You left this in my office. I thought you might need it on your honeymoon.
Simon: Great. Excellent.
Katie: Yes.
Simon: Thank you. Thanks for returning it.
Katie: Thank you so much. And feel free to stop by whenever.
Halliwell: Oh, I will, and at the most surprising times. Well, enjoy your honeymoon, lovebirds.
[Agent Halliwell leaves]
Simon: That man is not going to leave us alone until he finds something to use against us.
Katie: And he never will. 'Cause after we get back from Bay City, we're going to know each other inside and out -- dumpling.