Katie: [on the phone] Yes, that is what I'm trying to explain to you, Henry. Simon's gone. Gone, as in he went to work at Java Underground last night and he never came home. I need you to help me find a way to keep him here. Because -- oh, you wouldn't know love if it crawled between the sheets with you. Oh, another pregnancy -- that's brilliant, Henry. You are losing it. Your ideas are about as cold and empty as your heart. Forget it. I'll just -- I'll find my own way to keep -- to keep that fresh. Yes, that's a great tip. Thank you, Margo. I'll talk to you later, okay? Bye. Simon, I was so worried. Are you okay? Where have you been?
Simon: I was beat after I finished my shift, so I crashed at the Java's back office.
Katie: Oh.
Simon: Sorry if you worried. All righty, I've gotta start packing.
Katie: Packing? As in "leaving town for good" packing?
Simon: You knew this was coming. There's no point delaying the inevitable. Sooner or later, this had to end.
Katie: What about Isaac? Don't you still owe him?
Simon: I clocked enough hours last night to pay him back the last of the bail money, so there's nothing holding me here.
Katie: What about everything else? Um, Burt -- Burt -- you can't just walk out on this job and leave him without --
Simon: No, Burt will probably be glad to see the back of me. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He can't stop me, and neither can you. I'm out of this town for good.

Katie: I don't understand. Why do you have to leave today?
Simon: Come on, Katie. There's no reason for me to stay. There's nothing left for me here.
Katie: What about me, your wife?
Simon: I'm sure Burt will let you stay here until you find another place.
Katie: That's not what I'm talking about. How am I going to explain this to the INS?
Simon: Easy, uh, desertion, irreconcilable differences. A huge percent of marriages fail within the first year, you know? We were just victims of statistic.
Katie: No! This could have worked, you just never really gave it a shot!
Simon: Okay, well, we'll get an annulment. You know, your brother-in-law, he's a lawyer, isn't he? Get him to draw up the papers.
Katie: And then what? I don't even know where you're going!
Simon: I'll send you my address from wherever I land, you can forward me the papers there. Look, an annulment will give you a clean slate, Katie. You can start over. That's it.
Katie: Wait!
Simon: What?
Katie: I have to talk to you first!
Simon: I'm not going to do this again. I am not gonna stand here and listen to another chorus of "let's give it a chance," because I've had enough!
Katie: Oh, you are so full of yourself! That's not what I wanted to talk to you about.
Simon: All right. Well, the fact is, I've got nothing left to say. I messed up.
Katie: No, the fact is, I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to listen while I tell you about yourself.
Simon: All right, fine, go -- hit me. You got two minutes.
Katie: You know -- hmm, okay. Frankly, this dark, brooding, evasive behavior of yours is really boring. I mean, your attitude reeks. You're probably the most miserable person in the entire world. And now, you're gonna pack up all your toys and leave town like you're the only guy who's ever had his heart stomped on? You know, to tell you the truth, you're gonna be miserable wherever you go, because you're gonna be carrying around that ten ton attitude of yours. You know, the way I see it, you pretty much survived your own castaway story, which is huge on its own. And then, without so much as a blink of an eye you started a new life, and you got a pretty decent job. And that would make most normal people jump for joy but not you. Oh, no, you're Mr. Depressive, always walking around moping about something. "Oh, poor me, I lost my big diamond." "Oh, poor me, I lost Lily Snyder." "Oh, poor me, I don't know how to get rid of Lucinda Walsh." You know, I doubt that you could actually survive 24 hours without being all mopey about anything. Is that a smile? A little itty-bitty smile, I wish I had a camera.
Simon: All right, okay, you made your point.
Katie: All I want to say to you before you walk out that door is the only time I've ever seen a smile on your face was when you were with me. Of course, it's usually because I did something stupid, but you have to admit, any fun you've had in the last few months, you have me to thank for. So go ahead, I'm waiting.

Katie: Is it really that difficult to say one simple thank you?
Simon: Whoa, talk about egos! What, you think you are solely and singly responsible for putting fun into my life?
Katie: We did have some good times.
Simon: Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot, you know? A quick marriage, a sham honeymoon, lying to me about being pregnant -- now, yeah, that was a barrel of laughs!
Katie: Okay, so my tactics were a little off. But I did it all for you.
Simon: Oh, it is amazing how you can turn the oldest trick in the book into a selfless act.
Katie: Were you or were you not about to run off again with Lily Snyder? I had to save you from yourself, Simon. Because, as it turned out, she didn't want you anyway.
Simon: Oh, well, thanks for pointing that out to me again.
Katie: Admit it, if you just would have listened to me from the beginning, it would have saved you a lot of time and heartache.
Simon: Right, and then pretty soon we would have been burping some imaginary child. What a comfort.
Katie: See, that is it. That is exactly what I was talking about, Simon -- those throwaway insults, the cynicism. The fact that you can only concentrate on my insensitivity, or the mistakes that I've made, or the wrong that I've done you.
Simon: That is so not true. I have thanked you a hundred times for what you have risked in keeping me from being deported.
Katie: Oh, that is not all I'm talking about! What about all the dinners that I've cooked you? What about how I painted this place and fixed it up to make it feel like a home? Or the guitar that I bought you? Or maybe how I kept you from going to jail?
Simon: I didn't ask you to do any of that! I told you, Katie, I said, "go live your life," all right? Stop acting like you owe me this blind loyalty. 'Cause I don't want it!
Katie: I accept the choices I made, Simon. I made this place livable because I wanted to, I stood by you because I wanted to.
Simon: So what?
Katie: "So?" I could have done all those things while I moaned and groaned about how miserable my life was, but I didn't. I took a less than perfect situation and made it livable, and I did it all with a cheerful attitude and a smile. You don't know what it felt like to try and keep my head up while you moped around about Lily Snyder, okay? It was sheer agony. Just go, okay? Just leave Oakdale and take your lousy attitude with you. I'm sure it will make the next town you live in seem a lot more like home. All right, that's all I wanted to say. I know you think I'm delusional about how things could have been, but I really don't care. Everybody else thinks I'm delusional, so why not you? Wow, I feel a lot better. I really didn't want you to leave town without getting that off my chest.
Simon: Look, you're right. You have put a few smiles on this face. Usually for the wrong reasons, you said, but -- all right, it's true, most of the fun I've had in Oakdale has been with you.
Katie: You mean I --
Simon: Yes. Don't let that turn into hope, all right? I mean, look around. We live next door to a garage. I have been stocking a bar, and you are a beautiful, intelligent woman who has been stuck here playing house. We both deserve so much better than that. And I'm not saying that to let you down easy, it's just -- it's just what I believe, all right? And you have been a good friend. I mean it.
Katie: Thank you.
Simon: And you've made me angrier than anyone ever could -- ever!
Katie: Yeah, I guess the whole fake pregnancy thing wasn't the best idea in the world.
Simon: No, no, not your best. But, look, it wasn't 'cause of you that I lost Lily, all right? I realized that after the last time I spoke to her. I realized that if I'd left you to go to Canada with her it would only have been a matter of time before she ran back home whether you were in my life or not.
Katie: Okay, then let's make an agreement right here and now --
Simon: What?
Katie: Okay, I'll admit that I've been a little bit of a brat, if you admit that you've been a little bit of a downer. And we don't want to spend your last day in Oakdale fighting over who was more of a drag, or not.
Simon: No, no, I don't.
Katie: Okay, then don't. Why don't you and I spend the last few hours together and celebrate the times that weren't so bad.
Simon: All right, I guess I can do that, yeah.
Katie: Okay, no Lily, no INS Just you and me having a few laughs before you go off and break some other poor girl's heart.
Simon: All right. It's a deal. All right, I've got a little bit of time left, let's make the most of it. So I'll go get some stuff from the garage, have a shower. And in the meantime, whatever it is -- you work out what we're gonna do.
Katie: You know that's my specialty. Figuring out just the perfect thing to do.

[Simon comes out of the shower and a balloon pops.]
Simon: Whoa! [Katie gasps and coughs] what the -- are you all right?
Katie: Mm-hmm, you try blowing up this many balloons in the time it takes someone to take a shower.
Simon: Where did you find all these?
Katie: Remember those Valentine's Day balloons I got you which you ignored?
Simon: Katie --
Katie: Sorry, no bad reminders. I had a bunch left over and this helium thing, which has totally run out. So I started blowing them up myself. See, I told you I'd provide some fun.
Simon: What? Turning this place into a circus tent is what? Your idea of fun?
Katie: Oh, you have become such a wet blanket since you moved to this town. You have to release your inner child, frown clown.
Simon: What? What?
Katie: Frown clown.
Simon: Oh, that's real good, Miss bubble brain.
Katie: Koala boy!
Simon: Now that's original. "Koala boy," that's real good. You want a war?
Katie: Yeah, come on.
Simon:Yeah, fine, you've got it. [Katie screams] you've got a war.
Katie: Come on. [Katie pulls off Simon's towel] okay.
Simon: So what do we do now that you've released my inner child?
Katie: I don't know. I didn't really think that far ahead.
Simon: Katie --
Katie: What?
Simon: I'm still leaving town.
Katie: I know.
Simon:I'm not coming back.
Katie: You don't have to.
Simon: So I can't think about what happens to you after this.
Katie: I don't care, Simon. I don't care.
Simon: Good.

Katie: I don't care, Simon. I don't care.
Simon: Good. If you think I'm dumb enough to fall for that again, then, Katie, you better tell your inner child to grow up!
Katie: Oh, no, I've done it again, haven't I? Simon, I was just trying to make you happy, honestly. That was just me being friendly. I was not trying to trap you.
Simon: Look, the one and only time that we made love, it didn't exactly bring us closer together. You remember that?
Katie: I would never try and do something like fake a pregnancy again.
Simon: Oh, well, I'm glad. It's good to see you've learned from your mistakes.
Katie: No, wait. Simon! Simon, you promised that we would spend the next 24 hours together. You can't change your mind. You promised!

Katie: Please stay, Simon. I know I keep messing up. It's just that I don't have a lot of experience in the femme fatale department. The only thing I know about attracting guys I've learned from movies.
Simon: Well, I think you're really watching the wrong ones.
Katie: I just need a little more experience in the romance department. You could teach me.
Simon: No, look, we did the deed once. That's it. We're just gonna have to live off those memories.
Katie: No, no, no, you're not gonna leave now. Please, Simon --
Simon: I'm gonna finish packing, yeah, and then I think I will take off, yes.
Katie: I promise I won't touch you again. I swear. You said that we could spend the next 24 hours together. I would hate myself forever if I knew we said good-bye like this.
[ Simon groans ]
Simon: All right. All right, fine. I can't have you hating yourself forever.
Katie: Yea.
Simon: You must be the only person in the whole of Oakdale that isn't dying to see me just take off.
Katie: How 'bout I make us some lunch?
Simon: All right, all right. Good, sounds good.
Katie: You are not gonna regret staying, I promise you. We're gonna have so much fun now that all the pressure's off of us. You know, we both had pasts before Holden and Lily. Now we can get to know each other. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Simon: Look, I have told you a million times, I am not gonna tell you a thing about my past.
Katie: Oh, come on, Simon! I was game enough to marry you to keep you in the country. The least you can do is share a few choice chapters of your life story. It must be a real page-turner.

Katie: I bet girls have always loved to hear you talk about your travels and everything. You've pretty much been around the world. Where do you think you had the most fun? Oh, no, no, wait. Who do you think are the best kissers? Australian girls or American, European, Asian --
Simon: No, no, no, tell me. Has anyone ever wanted to know everything about you?
Katie: Me?
Simon: Yeah.
Katie: Well, I don't know.
Simon: You mean no man has ever wanted to sit down and just listen to you for hours, in love with the sound of your voice, hanging on every word, wanting every detail about you?
Katie: No.
Simon: Well, you deserve that.
Katie: Yeah, maybe. But let's get back to you.
Simon: No, no, let's play a little game, all right? Okay, I'm gonna ask you a question, and you tell me about yourself. And no matter how long it takes, I'm gonna listen.
Katie: Kind of like our own version of Simon says.
Simon: Yep.
Katie: Okay, but then I get to ask you.
Simon: Sure, sure, later. All right, first question -- well, I know you and your mom did a lot of traveling around when you were growing up. Where was your favorite place?
Katie: Well, I guess I didn't mind where I ended up going to high school. I wasn't exactly happy or anything, but at least I was in one place for a few years.
Simon: Katie Peretti in high school. Oh, what was she like?
Katie: Well, she was pretty much a boring goody two-shoes. I had just moved around to so many schools by the time I got to high school that I found that the best way to get along with people is just to keep your mouth shut as much as possible, you know, laugh when everybody else laughs, and definitely don't let them see you get upset. But unfortunately, that made me pretty much invisible, which is why I think I made so many big mistakes when I moved here. I was just so angry and so sick of being a nobody. You know, I wanted to be someone else than that little mouse that I used to be.
Simon: What, you a mouse? I can't picture that. I mean, you got a mind like a steel trap, Katie, and your looks -- I mean, you're anything but mousy.
Katie: Why, Simon, I do believe that was a compliment.
Simon: All right, you must've had a boyfriend. You must've.
Katie: Mmm, not really. I seemed to always attract the guys that had year-round allergies.
Simon: Ah, right, and you secretly wanted to be with the guy -- the captain of the football team.
Katie: No, no way. No, I didn't like guys like that. I was always attracted to the quiet, moody types, you know, the guys that did everything their own way. They weren't really conformists. You know, like, maybe they'd wear their hair long when everybody else still had it short, or listened to jazz when everybody else was into techno. But unfortunately, those guys never really gave me a second look. They still don't. No, I think I'm destined to attract the Henrys of the world. But I know it was different for you. And I know Lily Snyder was not the first girl to go crazy for you.
Simon: We have been down these parts before.
Katie: Oh, come on, Simon. Your bags are almost packed. What harm could it do to just share one little personal tidbit?
Simon: All right, yeah. I've had a colorful past, yes. And I'm sure I could dredge up someone else, but what's the point in dwelling on my mistakes? Leave the past in the past, that's what I always say.

Katie: So, there was someone before Lily Snyder. What do you know?
Simon: Of course there were other women. And not all of us can remain virgins, or almost virgins.
Katie: There must be someone in particular, maybe someone that you can't get off your mind? Did you leave her or did she leave you? Or did she die? I'm sorry. That was really insensitive.
Simon: Look, nothing as clean as death has ever ended any of my relationships. All I can say is that women have always been problematic for me.
Katie: In what way?
Simon: Look, just forget it, Katie. You know, looking back, regretting my mistakes, it's just -- it's useless. Keep moving, that's my motto. Never be a target. I forgot that when I was with Lily, and I'm not gonna forget it again.
Katie: Yeah, but what good does that do? Anywhere you go, you're gonna just make the same mistakes. Why don't you stay here and figure this out for once? Where you gonna go that's --
Simon: Anywhere. Anywhere. That's the end of the discussion, all right?
Katie: I understand that Lily hurt you really badly, but I'm still here. I can make you forget, if you would just let me.
Simon: Don't. Women who have got to close to me have always regretted it, all right? Just stay away.

Katie: What is your rush? Have a little patience, okay? I know you're hurt right now, but you will get over Lily. You can make a life here. People will start to like you. Look at me! I was publicly humiliated at the Endicott awards, and look at me now. I'm back on my feet. All I'm trying to say is if you would just give it a chance, you could make a great life for yourself here.
Simon: You are very sweet, Katie, but I have to start making things easier on myself. Take it. Please, take it. This town already has too many bad memories for me. I just wanna go someplace where nobody knows who I am.
Katie: Where are you going?
Simon: I'm just gonna get some things out of the garage, that's all. I'm not gonna sneak out on you, okay?
Katie: No, Simon, I'm not gonna let you go.

Craig's Suite

[Phone rings.]
Craig: Hello?
Katie: Craig, hi, it's Katie. Please don't hang up.
Craig: Katie, the prodigal sister. What can I do you for?
Katie: I know we're not exactly on the best of terms right now, but I need a little favor, and you're the only person that can help me. Would you consider hiring my husband Simon?
Craig: As what, a chauffeur? I know his worth.
Katie: You don't know the real Simon. Just forget everything you think you know about him, okay? He's been through a lot lately. He's under a lot of pressure. If you would just take the chance to get to know him, you would see that he's smart and he's not afraid of anything. That's what you like in business, right? Look, you don't have to answer me right now. Just think about it.
Craig: I'll humor you. I'll think about it, even though it's not as if I don't have enough to think about at the moment. [ Knock at the Craig's door ] in fact, just a second. This might be my fiancée now.
Katie: No, Craig-- wait!
Craig: Katie, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Simon: Are you slumming it Craig. I didn't think this was your type of place.
Craig: It isn't.
Simon: So why don't you take off? I'm in no mood for in-laws today.
Craig: That makes two of us. And I'm also not in the mood to trade insults. You think you could refrain?
Simon: Why should I?
Craig: I have had a very, very bad day.
Simon: Yeah, it looks like it.
Craig: I have a proposition for you. I've been set up. I want to find out who did it and why.
Simon: That sounds like a job for the cops.
Craig: No, the cops only arrest people. I want to annihilate 'em.

Burt's Garage

Henry: Ah, Katie, if the folks at WOAK could see us now.
Katie: I'm kind of busy, Henry, so if you're here to chat, later.
Henry: I mean, here you are, a former news anchor, cleaning grease off of a carburetor, and living next to a garage with your hubby.
Katie: Is this about Simon? Did you finally find out something a little more concrete than some ancient idle rumor? Just because some person in Australia said that Simon left town because he planned to get married, why should I care? It's old news, big deal.
Henry: It's bigger than you think, Katie.
Katie: What do you mean? You found something out?
Henry: I hit pay dirt. But on second thought, maybe Simon wouldn't want me to share his deep, dark secrets. Who knows what you might do to him when you find out. Ciao!
Katie: No, no, no, tell me right now, or I'll rip out every hair in that head! So, did Simon get married or what?
Henry: Well, his chums were right. Simon did walk down the aisle before meeting you. But that's only the beginning. It gets a whole lot worse.

Katie: So Simon was married before me. It happens. He probably got drunk one night and ran off to Australia's version of Vegas.
Henry: Dingoville.
Katie: Anyway, it's not a real marriage if you get it annulled the next day and if you have such a big hangover, you can't even remember, which is obviously why he didn't tell me about it.
Henry: What a lovely story. Unfortunately, there's not a grain of truth in it. He was stone-cold sober.
Katie: Please don't tell me that Simon's still married to this woman. He's not a bigamist.
Henry: No, he's not a bigamist. It's a little trickier than that.
Katie: I'm not going to sit here and play 20 questions with you, Henry. Just give me a straight answer. Who is this woman, and what is her deal with Simon?
Henry: Deal, deal, deal -- that reminds of something. Oh, I know what it is. Our deal, Katie, remember, the one where I investigate, and you get a letter of recommendation for me from Craig. Where is it?
Katie: It's coming. But my brother did teach me not to settle a deal before I've seen the goods.
Henry: Fine. Well, at least this way I get to see your face when you hear the news.
Katie: I'm waiting.
Henry: Simon likes weddings. In fact, he likes 'em so much that he's been engaged seven times. And he's actually made it to the altar more than once. You see, Katie, you aren't the first Mrs. Frasier. You're not even the second Mrs. Frasier. You're the fifth.

Al's Diner

Simon: Somebody set you up? That's a nice twist. So what exactly happened to poor, innocent Craig?
Craig: A couple of months ago, my son got taken by a two-bit con woman. Now, she's after me.
Simon: So, what, gullibility runs in the family?
Craig: No, it doesn't. She was comin' on to me like a hooker with a bad habit. I wasn't buyin'. I had everything under control.
Simon: Until?
Craig: Until tonight. I was ambushed. I was getting into my car, and up popped this girl, Ruby, wearin' nothing but a skirt and a smile. I'm pretty sure somebody with a camera could've gotten a couple of frames off before I had time to react. By the time I got out of the car, they were gone.
Simon: She young, sexy?
Craig: Oh!
Simon: So let me ask you a question, Craig. Were you really set up, or are you just looking for me to cover up a little action that you took on the side?
Craig: I was set up. Pictures might suggest otherwise.
Simon: So why don't you explain them away with -- it's a novel idea, I know -- the truth?
Craig: Because my fiancée already found this ho in my suite. That's why the pictures would be difficult to explain.
Simon: Yeah, I can't argue with you there. So what do you expect me to do about it?
Craig: I want you to find out who Ruby was workin' with. She wasn't on her own.
Simon: No, no, no. No, thanks. I don't get involved in other people's problems 'cause -- you know what -- I got enough of my own.
Craig: Now, the last time I offered you a job, you balked. I understand that. I was asking you to break the law.
Simon: Yes, you were.
Craig: This is legal.
Simon: Not interested.
Craig: How can you turn down real money? You're living over a garage, eating rice and beans.
Simon: Oh, it's not for long, 'cause I'm leavin' town.
Craig: Fine, okay. But a one-way ticket back to Aussie will cost you more than you make in Burt's garage in a month. Huh? Now, I need help, you need help. Plus, I'll tell you what -- the person behind this could be Lucinda Walsh.
Simon: Yeah, I wouldn't put it past the old crone.
Craig: So why don't we put our differences aside and nail her?
Simon: All right, I'll do it --
Craig: Exc --
Simon: -- But only on my terms.

Burt's Garage

Henry: Look, Katie, marriage licenses from all over the world. I'll read the names of the brides, and you tell me how many you count. Ilsa Frasier, Eleanor Frasier, Monique Frasier -- ooh-la-la -- and Conchetta Maria Concepcion-Frasier. I got four. How many did you get? Well, there was supposed to be a Nedira Frasier, but her daddy, the sheik, objected.
Katie: Who are all these women? This cannot be true.
Henry: Well, what do they say about marriage, "it's only a piece of paper?" Boy, they weren't kidding, huh? I'm sorry, Katie, but these licenses don't lie.
Katie: Yeah, well, somebody's lying.
Henry: Hmm. Oh, oh, if only I was still working at "The Intruder." What a headline this would make -- "Outraged Wife Number Five, See Story Page Four."
Katie: You wouldn't dare. There has to be some explanation.
Henry: There is, Katie. Your husband traveled the world, and instead of collecting pewter teaspoons and antique chamber pots, he stocked up on wives and fiancées. But not to worry, all the marriages have been abruptly ended through divorce or annulment. You're the only current Mrs. Frasier, although, that probably won't last long.
Katie: Okay, these marriages could not have been Simon's idea. It was these wives. They probably pushed him into it. There's gotta be something they all have in common. Why don't these things have pictures?! They were desperate. They must have been desperate, and then along comes Simon, a sexy, hip guy. Who wouldn't want to marry him?
Henry: You have such a talent for missing the obvious. There is a common denominator that all of Simon's lovely ladies share --money! Stacks and stacks of it.
Katie: They're all rich?
Henry: I hate to break this to you, but your sexy, hip hubby is nothing more than an old-fashioned gigolo.

Katie: Even if he was after these women because of their money, he's changed.
Henry: Changed from what, Katie, a man who came to town chasing down some diamond to a man who's staying in town so he can chase down the even more valuable Lily Snyder?
Katie: As much as I'd love to believe that Simon was only after Lily's money, I know differently. I know that he had feelings for her. And as much as I hate to admit it, she changed him. So ever was a --
Henry: A fancy man. That's what my grandmother used to call men in his line of work.
Katie: No, that's what I'm trying to tell you, Henry. Bilking women is not Simon's line of work. It's probably just something he was into because he was young and stupid. I mean, come on, if he was really into money, you think he'd be married to me?
Henry: Katie, he is married to you because he thought it would keep him here long enough to get his hands on Lily!
Katie: That's how it started, but now, it's something more. I'm not gonna stop trying to keep this marriage working just because Simon made a few wrong turns.
Henry: Well, when did you ever see marrying for money as making a few wrong turns?
Katie: What do you have against him?
Henry: Nothing. Personally, I would marry a toothless 90-year-old bearded woman if she had a fortune. But unfortunately, the European authorities don't share my sympathetic understanding of Simon's career choice. Seems like they feel a day isn't well-spent if they haven't issued at least one warrant against your husband.
Katie: For his arrest?
Henry: Well, yes. You should see all the lawsuits that have been filed against him.
Katie: Lawsuits?
Henry: Avoiding extradition is the only reason that he is here, Peretti.
Katie: Don't call me that. Katie Frasier is my name, and I'm proud of it.
Henry: Why are you so dead set on this guy? What does he have to offer?
Katie: He's good, and he's, and he's kind.
Henry: Oh, oh, how I long for the good old days before you had these silly stars in your eyes. Remember, Katie, WOAK, clawing your way to the top? You know, glomming on to Holden was at least good for your career, but glomming on to Simon for this?
Katie: There's more to life than getting ahead.
Henry: Since when? What has happened to your common sense, woman?
Katie: It was at WOAK that I had no common sense. I used to think that love and ambition could coexist. Boy, did I learn a big lesson. Yeah, Holden was way too good a man. We had nothing in common.
Henry: That's true. But why Simon? Why does he make the grade?
Katie: Have you ever spent any time with him? Have you ever kissed him?
Henry: I never kiss anyone with legs hairier than my own.
Katie: I'm gonna make Simon's life better. Maybe he did do all these terrible things that you said, but things are changing.
Henry: Gosh, who would have thought it? Katie "if you can't help me, I can't know you" Frasier has turned into little Katie the romantic.
Katie: Yeah, well, this time, I helped someone else. That someone else is my husband. And you know what? I'm gonna keep doing it.
Henry: Well, I'm sure he'll be so grateful.
Katie: See, Simon doesn't really know it yet, but I think he is ready to give up running around, and settle down, with me. He's a good man.
Henry: Hardly a flaw, except for that impressive list of wives. Come on, I know it bothers you, Katie. Why don't you just come right out and ask him?
Simon: Well, well, hello, Mrs. -- Ah, what was your name when you showed up pregnant that time? You know what? I really don't care. What I want to know is what the hell you're doing here d how long until you leave.

Henry: Oh, it's no mystery as to why I'm here, really. I'm just paying a social call.
Simon: What, to your old friend here? Yeah, the last time you two old buddies put your heads together, I wound up being the expectant father to a child that didn't exist. So what little plot are you hatching this time?
Henry: Nothing. No plot. He's really just here to say hello.
Simon: No, he isn't. So what are you after? What, tips on how to become a more convincing drag queen? Lessons on how to walk in high heels?
Henry: What, from her, the original charm school dropout? No. Oh, my goodness, look at the -- I gotta get going. So --
Simon: That's enough. Say ciao.
Henry: Right. Uh, cheerio!
Simon: I cannot stand that guy.
Katie: Yeah, I thought he'd never leave. Listen, why don't I get you a beer? We can sit down and talk. I have something I want to ask you.
Simon: Wait. I got something to tell you. We're getting out of this place.
Katie: "We?"
Simon: Yes. For some unknown reason, your brother has offered me a job and a place to stay at the Lakeview.
Katie: The Lakeview? You and me? Us at the Lakeview? And Craig offered you a job?
Simon: What, what, is there some kind of echo in here?
Katie: You know, I'm sorry. I'm just -- it's just too good. It's too good to be true. It means that you're staying, right? I mean, that's what this means. You decided to stick around?
Simon: Look, I'm only sticking around so I can make enough money to get away, far, far away from Oakdale. Okay? And once I can buy an airplane ticket, I'm outta here.
Katie: What about me? Where am I gonna go? Forget I said that. Never mind. I'm not gonna concentrate on that. I'm gonna concentrate on right now. We're moving to the Lakeview. You're taking me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You don't know what this means to me.
Simon: It is on one condition, okay? That we stick to the rules. We're just roommates, and that's it.
Katie: That's it, sticking to the rules. I promise.
Simon: Good. And when I can make enough money, I'm gonna leave as planned. No arguments.
Katie: None.
Simon: Okay. Let's go start packing.
Katie: Do you know what this means? Thick sheets and marble bathrooms, and soft carpet under my feet. Oh, soft is good. You are good. Everything is good. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Simon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just get the packing done.
Katie: Okay.
Simon: Okay? And what was it you wanted to ask me?
Katie: You know what? It can wait. It can wait, 'cause I can't wait to get out of this place as soon as humanly possible. Good-bye, grease pit. Oh, did Craig say anything about free room service? Never mind.

Katie: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Bryant: Well, I was just about to ask you the same question. What's up with the baggage?
Katie: Well, Craig has invited us to live with him. He is my brother.
Bryant: Yeah, the same brother that already kicked you out once already.
Simon: It's just a business arrangement. That's all.
Bryant: Well, he's not here.
Katie:I knew that. That's why he left the keys for us at the front desk before he left for New York.
Bryant: New York?
Katie: Yeah.
Bryant: For how long?
Katie: A while. I don't know.
Jennifer: They left town?
Bryant: Well, we'll just have to hold out until they get back, that's all. In the meanwhile, at least we have the ammo ready to go. Come on. Have fun.
Katie: You, too.

Simon: What was that all about?
Katie: I don't know. He probably wanted permission to ask her to the senior prom.
Simon: Ouch.
Katie: Well?
Simon: Yeah, not bad at all. So it's all ours?
Katie: Well, technically, that's Craig's room. And our room is down that hall. Oh, after months in that greasy garage, I can't wait to take a bubble bath. Ooh! [picks up the phone and dials] Hello, room service. Yes, this is the Montgomery suite. I was wondering if you could send up two orders of that yummy Beef Wellington. Oh, yeah, but hold that pastry stuff that they put around it. And -- yes, yes. Shrimp Cocktail and a bottle of Champagne. All right? Thank you.
Simon: Well, you better be hungry enough to eat two dinners by yourself.
Katie: Why?
Simon: Because I got to go out. I got business.
Katie: What kind of business?
Simon: My business.

Craig's Suite

Katie: So this business of yours -- is it for Craig?
Simon: Uh-uh, no.
Katie: All right, okay. I know the look. I'm late for my bubble bath anyway.
Simon: [ on the phone ] Ah, yes, good evening. As a matter of fact, there is something you could do. I need some assistance tracking down a woman. Yes. Yeah, a very beautiful woman.

Simon: Okay, all right. She's got auburn hair. She's about 5'8" and a Brazilian accent. And apparently, she likes to party long and hard.
Katie: All right, that's it. [ hangs up the phone ]
Simon: What are you doing? That was a business call!
Katie: I know exactly what that call was.
Simon: Oh. All right, what now, Katie?
Katie: The jig is up, gigolo. Admit it. That party girl you were looking for -- she's in line to be Mrs. Frasier number six.
Simon: Mrs. Frasier number six? All right, you lost me here. What are you talking about?
Katie:You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Simon: No, I don't, because the only two Mrs. Frasiers I know are -- okay, number one, my dear, departed mother and you.
Katie: I know all about it, Simon. You go around the world collecting wives. I was number five, and this auburn-haired Brazilian was gonna take my place.
Simon: That is the most ridic -- the woman I'm trying to track down, her name is Ruby. Your --
Katie: Really?
Simon: Yes, and where did you get this nuts idea that I was wife-hunting?
Katie: It's not a nuts idea. Okay, so maybe this Ruby isn't gonna be number six. But I do know that there were four before me, and I can prove it.
Simon: Yeah, all right, yeah. Come on, I'd like to see you do that.
Katie: No problem. I've got copies of your four marriage certificates.
Simon: How did you get your hands on these?
Katie: I asked Henry to help me.
Simon: And what did he tell you? I asked you a question, Katie. What did he tell you?
Katie: That there were lots of women. Some you married and some you didn't, but all of them were filthy rich. So is it true, Simon?
Simon: Yeah. Yeah, it is, all of it.

Katie: So it's true. You do have a past.
Simon: Come on. Doesn't everybody?
Katie: Not one that includes four filthy-rich spouses. Oh, how could you do that, Simon? Just pretend that you loved these women so that you could have their money?
Simon: You're not gonna believe -- whatever. You can believe whatever you want. But I loved every single one of those women that I married.
Katie: Then why'd you leave them?
Simon: One of the -- what, you really want to know? All right, number one, she was unfaithful. Number two, insanely jealous. Do you want me go on?
Katie: No, because it would probably take forever, with four wives and seven engagements!
Simon: Seven?! Seven? Whoa, if that's what Sherlock Coleman told you, then you wasted whatever you gave out for his services. Because there was nowhere near that many!
Katie: All right, well, he also told me that there were warrants and lawsuits.
Simon: Yes, there were. Some of them used legal means to get revenge. Look, it's ancient history.
Katie: So you didn't take any money from any of them?
Simon: Listen -- would I really be here right now if I had robbed those poor women blind? Would I be here, working in a garage, moonlighting in a bar, working for your brother?
Katie: No. I guess not. But four wives --
Simon: Look, look at me. Look, I never claimed to be a saint. But come on, I'm not a gigolo, either. And if I was, I'd be doing a pretty lousy job of it, wouldn't I? Being married to someone who's just as broke as I am? Right?
Katie: Yeah, I guess that would be a pretty stupid move for a gigolo, and you're anything but stupid.
Simon: Thank you.
Katie: In fact, it took a lot of brains to do what you did -- keep that secret from everybody in town. Including Lily.
Simon: Yeah. I guess I did pull the wool over everybody's eyes, didn't I?
Katie: Well, don't you worry. Your secret is safe with me. I promise I won't breathe a word to anyone.

Katie: Hey, what are you doing?
Simon: Just making a list of all the hot spots where I might be able to find this woman your brother wants me to track down.
Katie: So I guess this means our conversation is over. Unless there's something you want to tell me -- some little secret you've been keeping in your back pocket.
Simon: Well, let me just check here -- no, no. The only thing in my back pocket are these, which I will now use to track down Ruby and get what I want from her.
Katie: I don't like the sound of that.
Simon: Look, I'm not interested in Ruby. Okay? Just trust me.
Katie: I do. It's Ruby I don't trust.
Simon: You don't even know her.
Katie: Actually, I do, I met her once. She was with Bryant.
Simon: Really? Where?
Katie: Java Underground.
Simon: Java underground, got it!
Katie: Wait, I have an idea! I will go with you, since I met Ruby, and help you track her down.
Simon: No, no, no, no. Nice one, nice try, but this is definitely a solo mission.
Katie: That's what I'm scared of! You should have seen the way she was wrapping herself all around Bryant, like she was some snake with lipstick and breasts.
Simon: Look, I survived a whole island full of snakes. Remember? I think I can handle this. Good night.
Katie: I'm not letting you face that tramp alone. [ she follows him out the door and he returns carrying Katie over his shoulder ] Put me down! Simon, put me down!
Simon: No, no, no, not until you promise you're not going to leave this apartment again tonight.
Katie: I'm not a child!
Simon: Then stop acting like one!
Katie: Fine! You win.
Simon: Good. Good night.
[ Door closes ]
Katie: -- For now.

Isaac: Simon. What's up, man?
Simon: Hey, man.
Isaac: What can I get you?
Simon:: Hello, Rose.
Rose: Hello, Simon.
Simon: Just a beer would be fine, please. Thanks.
Rose: Not home with the little woman tonight, Simon?
Simon: Please, can you not say that?
Isaac:There you go.
Rose: We gotta be realistic here, you know. The two of us -- we're batting zero in the love department. I think this is the part of the conversation we say, "I told you so" to each other.
Simon: Yes, yeah. I know we both should've known that Holden and Lily were fizzlers from the get-go. You know, what actually gets me the most is that Katie was actually right. She said that no matter what, those two would always end up back together.
Rose: I guess hell's gonna freeze over next.
Simon:: I don't doubt it. So tell me. Is it back to the boardwalk plaza hotel for the dancing Miss D'Angelo?
Rose: Oh, maybe, maybe. We'll see.
Simon: Maybe, when you get back there, you'll find another diamond in the family attic in Hoboken.
Rose: Oh, no chance of that. Nothing but Neil Diamond vinyls worth about a buck fifty.
Simon: So what? You're giving up on grabbing the good life?
Rose: Are you -- hey, Rose D'Angelo, I never give up.
Simon: I don't know. It sounds to me like Lucinda got her way.
Rose: Lucinda? Lucinda?
Simon: Yeah, face it. You got exactly what lily and her mother thought you were worth -- a big doughnut hole, not even the bus fare back to New Jersey. Lucinda's not gonna get off that easy with me. When I leave this town, it's gonna be with a solid gold payoff.
Rose: What are you gonna do? Rattle the old bird's cage?
Simon: Yeah, and I figure she owes me big, and I plan on making her pay right through the nose.
Rose: You better know where La Walsh has those bodies buried, or else she's gonna feed your beautiful bones to those guard dogs. Trust me. I tried to sue her before. It did not work. Trust me.
Simon:: Oh, please. Lucinda can tie me up in a lawsuit from now until the new millennium.
Rose: Tell me, what are you gonna do to make her sweat?
Simon: That, I don't know. Look, I already drove a car straight through the front of her
Rose: Yeah, she probably wanted to redecorate anyway.
Simon: If only I was two decades older, it would be a piece of cake. Even that old battle ax must crave a little male companionship.
Rose: Can you not do that? I have a -- I got an empty stomach. But I am sensing something. Are you going retro on me? You're sounding awful like that guy that I met back in jersey that would do anything for a fortune.
Simon: Life was a lot simpler before love came into the picture.
Rose: Aw.
Simon: Yeah. And let's be honest. What has love gotten me lately?
Rose: Stuck married to the girl voted most likely to be a born-again virgin to the next dumb dingo with a backseat in his car?
Simon: Exactly.
Rose: Come on, I can see the smoke coming out of your ears. Come on, tell me what your plan is. Hand to god, I won't tell anybody. I swear.
Isaac: All right. Who's ready for a refill?
Simon: I'm fine.
Isaac: Did Rose tell you her plan to go back to the casinos?
Simon: Yeah, so she said.
Rose: Oh, I don't know about that. I mean, gravity is a showgirl's worst nightmare. You got your thighs down by your ankles, and by that time, you're dancing in front of all these old guys pulled up in wheelchairs in the front row. I don't know about that.
Simon: Nice.
Isaac: You know, you're more than welcome to work here as a waitress. I could use the help. I mean, if you wanted to, you could start tonight before the gravity hits.
Rose: Oh, thanks. I'll think about that. But I still have one more card to play. I'll see you later. Thanks.
Isaac: Yeah. Take care.
Simon: I'll see you around. Hey, look, Isaac, you got a sec?
Isaac: Yeah, what's up?
Simon: I kind of really need your help. I'm looking for a woman.
Isaac: Hey, aren't we all?
Simon: No, wait. Someone hired me to find her.
Isaac: Who?
Simon: Her name's Ruby.
Isaac: No, who hired you to find her?
Simon: Craig Montgomery.
Isaac: No, no, that smells like trouble.
Simon: No, just -- do you know where I might be able to find her?
Isaac: Why don't you try the local bars? She's probably in the bathroom claiming to find some expensive bracelet.
Simon: What? You lost me here. What?
Isaac: See, she finds this expensive bracelet, then she sells it to the mark. Before he knows it, she tries to resell the bracelet, and it's worthless. And she dashes off with the cash.
Simon: Nice girl.
Isaac: Very nice. What does Craig what with her? Oh, don't tell me. She pulled one over on the big guy?
Simon: Thanks for the lead.
Isaac: You know what, Simon? Let me give you some free advice. Stay clear of Montgomery. Craig only looks out for one person, and that's Craig.
Simon:That's fine, man. You worry too much.

Yo's

Ruby: It's a joke, right? Have you taken a good look at this bracelet?
Bartender: Look, you want the 500 bucks or not?
Ruby: I'll pawn it before I give it away.
Simon: Do you mind if I take a look? Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. It looks like a nice piece, one of a kind.
Ruby:Are you an expert or something?
Simon: Ah, yeah, yeah. I used to work for a diamond merchant. And we'd rate the stones for clarity, cut, brilliance -- that kind of thing. I could probably figure out what it's worth if you want me to.
Ruby: I already know what it's worth. The deal's off anyway.
Bartender: Suit yourself.
Simon: That guy's a dud. I could've really made a nice profit.
Ruby: He wanted it for nothing.
Simon: You were smart to hold on to it. I tell you what, tonight doesn't have to be a complete waste. How about I buy you a drink?
Ruby: Sure, why not?

Simon: To priceless jewelry.
Ruby: To a great price.
Simon: I'm sure you'll make out on the deal.
Ruby: I always do.
Simon: Confidence. That's very attractive, not that you need any help in that department whatsoever.
Ruby: You sound like a man of experience.
Simon: Yes, and a man who makes a practice never to drink with a lady without first knowing her name.
Ruby: It's Ruby.
Simon: Like the beautiful jewel itself.
Ruby: So, how would you rate me on your scale? Clarity? Brilliance?
Simon: Way, way off the charts.
Ruby: What else do you see?
Simon: A woman who doesn't want to be alone tonight.

Ruby: What else do you see?
Simon: I see a woman who doesn't want to be alone tonight. That's all right. Keep the change, mate.
Bartender: Nah, you keep it. You're gonna need it, if you plan on scoring that bracelet she was hustling.
Simon: Ooh, did you break his heart?
Ruby: Forget about him.
Simon: But you were working him so beautifully.
Ruby: Working him? What do you mean?
Simon: It's all right. I'm not gonna say anything.
Ruby: Who are you?
Simon: I'm someone who believes in free enterprise. You've got to earn a living, right?
Ruby: You a cop?
Simon: I'm someone who knows a lot about diamonds, even diamonds in the rough. So, you want another drink?
Ruby: I want you to tell me who sent you here.

Simon: Whoa, no, no, you got me all wrong. Nobody sent me.
Ruby: You look kind of familiar.
Simon: Really? I don't know why. I mean, I used to work at the Java Ynderground, but I quit. The tips were bad and the pay's even worse. Besides, I don't like working. It just takes too long to get rich.
Ruby: You're from Australia, right?
Simon: Mm-hmm. And you're from South America. I'm guessing Brazil, because they have the most unbelievably beautiful women I have ever seen. Plus, you have that Portuguese lilt in your voice.
Ruby: Do you speak Portuguese?
Simon: Not a word.
Ruby: That's okay. I've been gone so long, I hardly remember it. So, have you ever been there?
Simon: Once. I wanted to see the rain forest before they completely disappear.
Ruby: Yeah. One day I want to go back to Brazil.
Simon: I don't blame you, it's an amazing place. So why did you come here?
Ruby: Why did you come here?
Simon: To travel, to look around, mainly to see the architecture. I mean, here they have everything from anasazi rock houses to Frank Lloyd Wright.
Ruby: Oh, you're an architect?
Simon: Well, I have a degree from the university of Melbourne.
Ruby: A degree, wow. Did you ever use it?
Simon: Well, I don't need a degree to know that you are more impressive than any architecture I have ever seen.
Ruby: Well, there's nothing architectural about me. I'm a natural wonder, like the rain forest.
Simon: Yes, you are, and I love nature. I was going to get enough money, and then I'm gonna go back to Australia and run buck naked in the wild.
Ruby: Sounds good to me.
Simon: So how about that drink?
Ruby: Sure. I really shouldn't, but --
Simon: Why shouldn't you?
Ruby: Well, liquor makes me careless.
Simon: And you don't want to lose that very, very valuable bracelet.
Ruby: Look, if you've got something to say, why don't you just say it.
Simon: It's all right, don't take offense. You know, I've had to do a lot of things in my life just to survive. I mean, just recently, my family lost its entire fortune. And trust me, I hate the nine-to-five drudgery.
Ruby: Me, too.
Simon: And if you have to peddle trick bracelets to make some pocket change, so be it.
Ruby: It doesn't turn you off?
Simon: No, not at all. If I hadn't known the bracelet was fake, I probably would have bought it myself, just because you were selling it. And then, I would probably serenaded you with my guitar.
Ruby: Wait a minute. Now, I remember. I have seen you before.

Java Underground

Katie: Hey, Isaac.
Isaac: Hey.
Katie: Have you seen my husband?
Isaac: Now, there is a leading question if I've ever heard one.
Katie: Hmm, sounds like you know something. So while you decide whether you should tell me or not, can I have a Cosmopolitan?
Isaac: I guess so. You're lucky I just happen to have one in my shaker.
Katie: So, was Simon in tonight?
Isaac:He was, earlier.
Katie: Did he say where he was going?
Isaac: No, he didn't.
Katie: I guess you guys probably didn't have a lot of time to talk. Is it because he was talking to someone else?
Isaac:You know, as fascinated as you must be with your husband, I'm just not enthralled by it.
Katie: I guess I just kind of miss him.
Isaac: I guess his new job must be keeping him pretty busy.
Katie: Oh, yeah. Well, you know Craig.
Isaac: Unfortunately, I do. The man's been known to crack a whip.
Henry: Another Bombay Blue.
Katie: Henry!
Henry: Gumdrop! I was wondering when you're going to notice your Uncle Henry.
Katie: Why didn't you say hello?
Henry: Because I'm not talking to you, unless you buy me a drink.
Katie: Well, it's going to be kind of hard, seeing as I'm broke, and I thought Simon was gonna be here.
Henry: Oh, really, why is that? Did you book a private room for a meeting of the club?
Katie: What club is that?
Henry: The Simon Frasier wanna-be-wives club.
Katie: Oh, please, Henry. Do you laugh at funerals?
Henry: I admit I do have a twisted, little funny bone, but I was not amused when I stopped by Burt's Garage, and old Burt, he told me that Simon had quit and that you two had skipped out, no forwarding address. I was shocked, Katie, shocked that you would do something like that without telling moi, your only friend in Oakdale.
Katie: Well, yes, we have moved into Craig's suite at the Lakeview, and I was gonna call you, but everything happened so fast.
Henry: What did?
Katie: Craig offered Simon a job.
Henry: Doing what? Let me guess, you and Simon are Craig's new maid and butler.
Katie: Don't be mean.
Henry: Mean? Mean? You orchestrate a job with my ex-boss for your bigamous husband and leave me out in the cold?
Katie: I didn't have anything to do with it.
Henry: Look, if Craig is handing out jobs, I should be the first in line. We had a deal, remember? Now, if you're welshing on that, I might have to slip Simon's secret-wives story to "the intruder," and your fantasy marriage will be nothing but a laughing stock.
Katie: Oh, Henry, you really have to stop these tired old threats, 'cause you know what? There's nothing you can do to me now.

Yo's

Simon: I've never seen you before, 'cause believe me, I would have remembered.
Ruby: You were pretty preoccupied when I first saw you.
Simon: I must have been. It's not like you don't completely stand out in this town. So tell me, was I blindfolded, drunk, completely insane?
Ruby: Your eyes were closed, as a matter of fact. I thought you were so handsome, but you looked really sad.
Simon: So where was I?
Ruby: At Java Underground, playing your guitar. The guy I was with said that his aunt had just given you the shaft.
Simon: Yeah, Lily.
Ruby: Lily. That's right. I guess even heartbreakers like you get his heart broken sometimes, huh? Simon: Is that what you think happened, or are you speaking from personal experience?
Ruby: So did you give Lily that line about having great architecture?
Simon: Looking at you now, it's hard to remember, but yeah, I probably did.
Ruby: At least you're honest.
Simon: No, I'm not. Most of the time, I'm so superficial I don't know who I am or who I've fallen in love with. When I saw you scamming that bracelet, I knew we were one of a kind.
Ruby: What do you mean?
Simon: Well, I do a lot of things to get along. Quite a few scams myself.
Ruby: Do you have a specialty?
Simon: My specialty -- hmm. My specialty would be women. I make them weak.
Ruby: Mmm, and then what?
Simon: I take everything they've got.
Ruby: Including their hearts, I'll bet.
Simon: That's the first thing I take.
Ruby: So what about Lily? Was she a mark, or was she the one that got away?
Simon: Well, that was one that just didn't work out. You know, so I cut my losses and moved on.
Ruby: You have another mark lined up?
Simon: Oh, yeah. I've got one well and truly in my sights.
Ruby: You're a busy boy.
Simon: That's why I need tonight off. That's why I'm so glad I met you. Who knows, maybe we can teach each other a few new tricks.
Ruby: Tricks of the trade?
Simon: Whatever.

Simon: I've trolled for women all over the world. Anywhere from California to the Costa Brava, from the wilds of Canada to the Riviera, anywhere where rich divorcees congregate.
Ruby: There must be a feeding frenzy when they see you, huh?
Simon: I'm not proud of what I've done.
Ruby: You've probably made women happy in a really weird way, and if they had to pay for it, so what?
Simon: But if they knew the price beforehand, I don't think they would have thought it was worth it.
Ruby: Then why do you do it?
Simon: I don't know. I guess it goes back to my childhood. I didn't come from a very loving family. So I became very cynical, and early on, I decided that I was just gonna take what I could from the world and never look back.
Ruby: You sound a lot like my father.
Simon: Really? Is he here or in Brazil?
Ruby: No, he's here.
Simon: Do I look like him?
Ruby: Why do you ask?
Simon: Well, they say that women fall in love with guys that look like their father.
Ruby: Well actually, there is a slight resemblance.
Simon: So is he in the trade, too?
Ruby: Why do you want to know? Afraid of the competition?
Simon: Do I look afraid?
Ruby: No, but I think you're a little rusty.
Simon: Rusty?
Ruby: Yeah, your technique. You struck out with that Lily woman. I think maybe you need some warm-up exercises.
Simon: Maybe I do.
Ruby: : So come on. Why don't you practice on me? I'll pretend that I'm rich and hungry.
Simon: What, you want to learn some of my trade secrets? Besides, I think my techniques are designed for other types of women.
Ruby: Oh, you mean, like Lily, nice but naive?
Simon: Well, that's what I thought at first, but, you know, she ended up fooling me.
Ruby: See, you are rusty. Come on, make a move.
Simon: I already have.
Ruby: What?
Simon: Yeah. I bought you a drink, struck up conversation.
Ruby: That's simple, but hey, it works, right? We're talking. Now what?
Ruby: Oh, I love this song.
Simon: Good, because you know what happens next?
Ruby: What, there's more? All on the first date?
Simon: What, are you laughing at me?
Ruby: No, no, no. No, really, I'm impressed.
Simon: But are you ready?
Ruby: I'm ready. Wow. In the middle of the night that staring thing is really, really effective. I've never been on the receiving end. So, this is how it feels to be a mark, huh?
Simon: I don't know. I've never been on the receiving end, either.
Ruby: Always a scammer, never a scammee.
Simon: So, how does it feel?
Ruby: I don't want to be scammed.
Simon: We have both been all around the world looking for something, and when I came in tonight and saw you, I felt as if I had found it for the first time. When I look in your eyes, I see everything I've ever wanted.
Ruby: You're good. You're really good. If I didn't know any better, I would think you were telling the truth.

Java Underground

Katie: Oh, Henry, Henry, Henry, it is such a wonderful feeling to know that there is nothing you can do to Simon and me now. You can plot and plan all you want, but it doesn't mean a thing.
Henry: Oh, really? Does Mr. Bigamist-in-training know that you've been checking up on him?
Katie: As a matter of fact, I did confront Simon.
Henry: Ah.
Katie: I told him I knew all about the marriages, the fiancés, the lawsuits, etcetera, and you know what?
Henry: What? He got down and cried, and then begged your forgiveness, and then, he bought you a ten carat emerald?
Katie: Not exactly, but he did admit to a few marriages of convenience, shall we call them.
Henry: Katie, he's a con man. He marries women for money, then he takes all that he can get, and he skips town.
Katie: Well, that's one way of looking at it, but he is mine now. We are truly married. He's not a bigamist. He got rid of all of those wives, and I forgive him.
Henry: Oh, you do, do you?
Katie: Mm-hmm. We have a true marriage, an honest marriage. Those secrets were in the way of everything, and now that everything's out in the open --
Henry: Thanks to me.
Katie: We are truly, deeply connected.
Henry: Oh. Oh, so you're finally having sex?
Katie: Oh, Henry.
Henry: No? Well, I guess you're not that deeply connected then, huh? I guess down under the sheets is, what, reserved for paying customers?
Katie: You're drunk.
Henry: And you're broke. Simon only marries women with money, and you ain't got none.
Katie: Yeah, I have a lot more to offer Simon than that.
Henry: Come to think of it, you do. Thanks to you, Simon is living in a suite at the Lakeview, married to an American citizen, instead of having his keister shoved onto the coach class of air koala and shipped back to that pile of sheep's dung he calls home.
Katie: You know what? I can't deal with you when you're in a mood like this.
Henry: Well, I'm gonna stay in a mood like this, Katie, until you give me what I want -- a letter of recommendation from your big brother. That was the deal.
Katie: Yeah, well, see, the problem is that Craig hates you, so a letter of recommendation is gonna be kinda tricky. Sorry to end on such a low note, but I gotta run.
Henry: Yeah, I guess you've got to track down that sex-starved gigolo that you're so deeply connected to.
Katie: Good night, Henry.
Henry: You know, if you're looking for your husband, why don't you check out Yo's? I hear it's the biggest pick-up joint in town.

Yo's

Ruby: You're still here?
Simon: Did you think I'd disappear?
Ruby: It's been known to happen.
Simon: But never to you, I bet.
Ruby: Is that a promise?
Simon: I gotta tell you, I have never found myself in this position before. Even when I was telling you all about myself before, about what I do for a living, I suddenly froze. I was like, "man, what are you doing? She could be an undercover cop or a P.I. or --"
Ruby: Me? Are you serious? That's funny.
Simon: What's funny is me telling you my life story. I came in here tonight just for a quiet drink. I've ended up finding a soul mate. Whoa. Whoa, did I just say that? Ouch.
Ruby: I know what you mean. What we do for a living is so lonely. We can never talk to anyone, 'cause we can't trust anyone.
Simon: It is lonely, 'cause no one completely understands us.
Ruby: I understand you. I want to hear everything you've never been able to say.
Simon: I want to know everything about you.
Ruby: You do?
Simon: From the moment you were born.
Ruby: Can we go somewhere? Somewhere to be alone?
Simon: Yeah.
Ruby: Yeah.

Simon: Okay, how about I -- listen, listen. I'll just meet you out in the car park.
Ruby: What's the matter?
Simon: You know, the woman I was scamming, the one I was telling you about? Well, she's here.
Katie: Well, I'm surprised I found you.
Simon: Katie, what a surprise.
Katie: It certainly is. And don't tell me that you're Simon's cousin from Brazil? I thought you said you had a business meeting.
Simon: Katie --
Ruby: Business?
Simon: Why did you follow me here?
Ruby: Katie -- we've met before, haven't we?
Katie: Why are you with this tramp?
Simon: Not now. Stop.
Katie: I don't care who you think you are, but if you don't stop pawing my husband, I'm gonna introduce you to my fist.
Ruby: Your husband?

Katie: Why are you with this tramp?
Simon: Katie, not now.
Katie: Look, I don't care who you think you are, but if you don't stop pawing my husband, I'm going to introduce you to my fist.
Ruby: Your husband?
Simon: Look, I wish I could say that she's never like this, but believe it or not, she's usually a lot worse.
Katie: Why are you apologizing for me? This is not the first time I've seen that crawling all over anything in pants.
Ruby: I'm popular, what can I say?
Simon: Yeah, I can see why. Hey -- what?!
Katie: You want to tell me what the hell is going on here?!
Simon: Go home, now!
Katie: We need to talk.
Simon: Oh, oh, those hideous, hideous words. Yeah, I'll be right there, sweetheart.
Ruby: Oh, that's right! You're the aunt who barged in and practically car-jacked a good friend of mine.
Katie: Good friend? Please, in your twisted dreams.
Ruby: So this is the pigeon you've been plucking?
Katie: Pigeon?
Simon: Yes, yeah, fly along now. We're busy.
Ruby: That's right, little pigeon, we are.
Katie: Are you gonna let her talk to me like that, Simon? Come on, let's go home now.
Simon: What's "home?" All right? Everything's out in the open now. You know this marriage is a joke!
Ruby: She doesn't seem to be laughing, Simon.
Simon: Then I guess we're just gonna have to ignore her.
Katie: Let's go, Simon!
Simon: No, Katie, you go now -- if you know what's good for you.
Katie: Are you insane? If you think I'm gonna leave you alone with this walking "G"-spot, you've got another think coming.

Simon: Welcome to my nightmare, Ruby. Being dressed-down in a bar by my shrewish wife.
Katie: You said you were working tonight.
Simon: Well, yeah, "all work and no play --"
Katie: Why are you saying all of this? You don't mean it.
Simon: Do you want me to draw you a diagram? How much clearer do you want me to make this for you?
Katie: You lied to me.
Simon: We have been lying from the beginning. How many times have we had this argument? What, a few dozen times? Oh, yeah, I forget, my wife likes to have the same argument over and over to keep the excitement in the marriage.
Katie: Stop talking to her!
Simon: You are not the only woman in the world and you're certainly not the only woman in my life!
Katie: You don't mean that.
Simon: Look, you know I've been married several times, okay? So why should it surprise you that I'm engaged for the evening?
Ruby: Yeah, he's mine now, little girl. Go find a doll to play with.
Katie: "Little girl?"
Ruby: Trust me, it's a lot nicer than the other names I'd like to call you.
Katie: I'll show you -- come on, let's go!
Simon: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Katie: Come on!

Simon: Katie, Katie -- Ruby, just put the sticks before somebody gets hurt, okay?
Katie: That's the whole idea!
Ruby: Step aside, Simon! I would hate to get her blood all over that nice shirt you have on!
Katie: Oh, come on! Try me!
Ruby: They call it squab, right? Roasted baby pigeon?
Katie: It's better than dried-up, worn-out vulture any day!
Simon: Hey, knock it off now! Knock it off!
Ruby: All right. Come a little closer, Katie. Come a little closer. Don't be afraid now.
Katie: Afraid of you? Please. [ Screaming ] Let me go! Let me go!
Simon: Relax.
Katie: Simon!
Bartender: Okay, fight's over. Ladies, and I use that term loosely, if you wanna bash in each other's hairdo's, I suggest you do it like everybody else. Take it outside.
Simon: It's fine. It's fine. Everything's under control. We're just leaving. We're leaving.
Bartender: I was just gonna suggest that.
Katie: Okay, fine. Fine, Simon -- fine! Let's go home! Are we going to our place or that one's?
Ruby: Do you really need to ask? Grow up, little girl. It's not my fault if you can't hold onto your man, okay?
Simon: Katie, stop it, stop it. All right. Can I meet you outside, please, after I handle this? Can I?
Katie: Let me go! Get back here! Get back here!
Simon: Stop it! Stop it! Will you just relax, please? Relax for one minute.
Katie: "Relax?" You're telling me to relax when you completely lied to me about what you were doing.
Simon: I did not. You know I didn't! I was looking for Ruby because your brother asked me to do it. This was just an assignment.
Katie: Yeah, looking for Ruby is one thing, it's what you did when you found her that really bothers me.
Simon: You have no right to be bothered, okay? Look, Craig hired me to do a job, and I was doing it the way that I saw best. And you almost blew the entire thing!
Katie: Okay, just let me get this straight. Craig paid you to get biblical with that same piece of bar trash that's been getting on his own son?
Simon: Look, it's complicated.
Katie: I've got time.
Simon: I don't.
Katie: You're gonna make time or I'm gonna make your life miserable.
Simon: Look, if you would've seen Ruby in action, an intelligent woman like you would know that I'm only speaking Ruby's language.
Katie: Yeah, with your tongue in her ear?!
Simon: Oh, come on! I wasn't! If you have a problem with this, then you have to take it up with your brother.
Katie: Yeah, maybe I will.
Simon: Good. Fine, knock yourself out. I gotta go. Ruby's not gonna wait forever.
Katie: I would.
Simon: Ugh -- Katie, please, will you just go home, back to Craig's suite, and we'll talk about this later.
Katie: How much later?
Simon: When I'm done.
Katie: And when will that be?
Simon: What, do you want to synchronize our watches?
Katie: I want to kill her! And that stupid walk of hers -- could she be a little more obvious?
Simon: I have to go.
Katie: And how far are you gonna go, Simon?
Simon: As far as I have to. Please, will you just go home? And don't get into any more trouble.
Ruby: I was beginning to wonder if you'd come.
Simon: No, you weren't.
Ruby: How's the little wife?
Simon: She'll survive. She'll find someplace fully-feathered and be well taken care of. The most important thing is, what about you?
Ruby: What about me? What?
Simon: Well, she comes from a large family, but you have only a father. I get the feeling that he doesn't take care of you. I bet you have to take care of him.
Ruby: Are you really worried about me? You're too sweet.
Simon: You don't know the half of it. So does your father know where you are tonight? Out drinking and dancing with a perfect stranger?
Ruby: You're not so strange. In fact, I wonder if we knew each other in a different life.
Simon: Now who's conning who?
Ruby: No, I mean it! Do you believe in fate?
Simon: I could be persuaded.
Ruby: We have so much in common. We're both from different countries, seeking a little piece of the American dream, and we're both taking the same family for a ride.
Simon: Ruby, Ruby, you're too good to be true. So why don't we go somewhere private and you can tell me all about it. [ Ruby laughs ]
Katie: Hey. Anybody up for a game of nine ball? Rack 'em up, boys.

Craig's Suite

Katie: Ah-ah-ah! Slow down, Romeo. How 'bout a little something to wet your whistle? Here you go. Bottoms up. Hey, none of this equals none of this. Know what I'm saying? There you go. Swish around and rinse -- nice. All right. Okay, just play along, and no getting fresh. I am a married woman.
Simon: Katie!
Katie: Oh, Simon.
Simon: You want to tell me what's going on?
Katie: I didn't know you'd be home so early.
Drunk: Dude!
Simon: Yeah, dude! Party on. What is this? A six-pack of beer, a broken heart and a drunken stranger -- what, are you moving on to hubby number two?
Katie: That's all you have to say?
Simon: Yeah, well, I see you've met a nice new friend here. Bu you shouldn't play with strangers when you don't know what you're looking for.
Katie: I know exactly what I'm looking for. A man who will understand me.
Simon: Well, that's great because I think you found the right guy right here.
Katie: I certainly did.
Simon: Yeah, 'cause you know who this guy is? This guy is the champ of Yo's kamikaze contest.
Drunk: Yeah!
Simon: He was already out of his tree when you walked in there tonight. Now, look -- I don't know what you expected to get out of him, but whatever it was, trust me, he wasn't up to it.
Katie: He is not drunk! He's exhausted! Tell him. Tell my husband what an incredible night we had tonight.

Simon: All right, dude. C'mon, buddy. All right, alone in there?
Drunk: Huh?
Simon: Yeah, well, at least he's still alive. That's good.
Katie: Well, I guess I wore the poor boy out. Sometimes I don't know my own strength.
Simon: Yeah, right. [ Simon straining ] all right, up ya go. Come on! [ Simon grunts ] are you ready to say sayonara to the kamikaze champ? or wait a sec, wait a sec -- maybe you two lovebirds should have a couple minutes alone.
Katie: Oh, that's funny. Bye, Dave.
Simon: Well, I thought his name was Scott. All right, ya think you can make it to the elevator by yourself, huh? There we go. All right, there ya go. That's the way. Down there, turn left -- now the other left. Just stay on your -- [ Drunk vomiting ] well, that's disgusting. And housekeeping's gonna have to clean that up tomorrow. So what was that supposed to be, huh? My competition?
Katie: Well, my dear, that is what happens when you leave your wife alone in a bar!
Simon: Couldn't keep your hands to yourself, could you?
Katie: You know what I mean.
Simon: Not even fifty percent of the time. All right, you want to tell me what he was doing here?
Katie: Yeah, I brought him up here to teach you a lesson!
Simon: To teach me -- a lesson? All right, okay, then just for future reference, bringing home a vodka-soaked loser who's too pooped to pop, that's not competition. That's an insult.
Katie: It was Yo's in the middle of the night, not cocktail hour with a bunch of ivy league graduates!
Simon: Do you realize how lucky you are that he was just too far gone to see a foot in front of himself? Do you realize? Do you, the trouble that you could've got yourself into?
Katie: Poor baby pigeon. Can't fend for herself, got kicked out of the nest.
Simon: Listen, listen, I had to say -- I had to say all that stuff earlier, all right? You know I didn't mean it.
Katie: Yeah, right. Just work, huh?
Simon: Yes, it was just work. All right? And I can't always be around to see that your feelings don't get hurt or to see that you don't get into trouble.
Katie: Like you care.
Simon: I care. Sorry, but yes, I care. I care. I think you're a great girl.
Katie: Yeah!
Simon: And I don't want to see your feelings get hurt.
Katie: You could've fooled me. The way you treated me at Yo's, the things that you said -- you hurt me plenty, all by yourself.
SImon: Look, why does everything have to be turned into an opera with you of some tragic and epic proportions?
Katie: I just want to know the truth about Ruby!
Simon: It was a job! Nothing more!
Katie: Wow, what a lousy job. Having to kick back cold ones with Miss [ imitating Ruby ] don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Simon: Look, I was helping Craig, all right? And in return, we got out of the garage and into this, remember? Cleaner, softer, something more stylish.
Katie: I gave you "cleaner, softer, more stylish," and what do you do? You lie to me for some cheap, easy import.
Simon: I hate when you do this!
Katie: Do what?!
Simon: This! You get an idea in your head and you cling to it, whether it's based in reality or not. Now that's all very, very sweet and cute when it's some noble, new adventure. But this jealousy thing --
Katie: I am not jealous!
Simon: Good! I'm going to bed.
Katie: No, you're not. You are not going anywhere until you tell me what is this deal with Ruby. What kind of business is this?
Simon: Ask your brother.
Katie: No, I'm asking my husband. And I think it's a wife's right to know. How far did things go tonight?

Katie: So, you're not gonna tell me what you and your [ imitating Ruby ] hot and spicy friend were doing for the past over an hour?
Simon: You're catching on.
Katie: Or where you were?
Simon: Right again.
Katie: Come on, that's not fair. I told you.
Simon: It's not the same thing.
Katie: Oh, right, I know. You get to keep your secrets, and I get left in the dark.
Simon: Give it a rest! All right? Just enough of this jealous wife routine.
Katie: I was only asking.
Simon: You're always only asking things that you don't have a right to know!
Katie: Just because you don't have a right to know something doesn't make you want it any less.
Simon: You know well and truly the situation with us. This is a temporary arrangement.
Katie: Yes, I know -- a marriage in name only. You don't have to explain anything to me. No promises were made.
Simon: Good. At least we're on the same page.
Katie: But you were the only guy I have ever been with. And as far as I know, I am your last. So even though we're not sleeping together, we are sleeping together, and sometimes that makes it a lot more tense. And at the very least, we are friends, right? Even though a certain friend tends to embarrass the other friend in a public place by telling humiliating lies. we are friends and when we're together alone, can't we just be honest with each other?
Simon: I did what I had to do to get the information for Craig.
Katie: Yes, I know that. All I need to know is did you -- ? You know --
Simon: What?
Katie: You know --
Simon: No. No, I didn't.
Katie: Thank you. Thank you.
Simon: You're welcome -- I think.
Katie: Craig, you are a dead man.

Sierra: Mr. O'Neal?
Assistant manager: Mrs. Montgomery, how nice to see you again. I'll locate someone to seat you?
Sierra: No, actually. The clerk at the desk referred me to you. I'm not exactly sure why. It seemed like a simple enough question. I -- I'm just wondering if you know if my husband's returned home from his trip.
Assistant Manager: Oh, I believe Mr. Montgomery is still out of town.
Sierra:Oh. Well, in that case, I guess I will have breakfast.
Assistant manager: I'll get the hostess.
Sierra: Thank you.
Katie: Sierra? Hi, it's me, Katie.
Sierra: Oh, my god. I don't believe it. I hardly recognized you! My little sister-in-law, all grown up.
Katie: Yeah.
Sierra: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't get in touch with you at Christmas. I heard you got married.
Katie: Yes, I did. His name's Simon. He's wonderful.
Sierra: Well, why don't you join me for breakfast? You can tell me all about him.
Katie: Actually, did I hear you asking about Craig?
Sierra: I've been trying to track him down. He -- he's in New York, I hear.
Katie: Not anymore. In fact, he's upstairs right now.
Sierra: Really?
Katie: Yeah, I'm sure the desk clerk didn't know. He just got back from the airport a few minutes ago. I'm sure he'd love to see you.
Sierra: Well, I'm not so sure about that. But why don't we go check it out?
Katie: You know what? You go ahead. I'm sure you guys have tons to talk about. But it was so good to see you.
Sierra: And good seeing you, really.
Katie: Bye.

Craig's Suite

Craig: My son tried to entrap me with -- with them? But -- but she and her father almost got him sent to jail. She wasn't feeding you a line?
Simon: No, I don't think so.
Craig: What's your proof?
Simon: I heard him myself.
Craig: How ---
Simon: Well, Ruby and I went back to her place. We went inside. There was nobody there. And there was a message on the answering machine --
Craig: And --
Simon: -- From Bryant.
Craig: -- You recognized his --
Simon: I heard him say his own name. "Hi, it's Bryant. Thanks for helping me out with the pictures," blah, blah, blah. Here, check it out for yourself. It's all there.
Craig: Well, Jennifer warned me that she and Bryant would do something to foul up my -- my wedding to Barbara. Looks like this is it. I -- I -- I never thought my own -- my own son would do something like this.
Simon: It looks like, to me, there needs to be a little bit of father/son bonding.
Craig: What was he thinking? What was he thinking? How dangerous is this Gabriel?
Simon: Oh, I haven't met him, but I know where he lives. Let's just pay him a visit.
Craig: No, later, later. We can deal with the Frank family later. Right now, I've got to get to Bryant and find out how mixed up --
Simon: Yeah, and you need to stop those pictures from getting to your fiancée?
Craig: Yeah. Well, that, too. Thank you. Simon.

Lakeview Dining Room

Simon: You still mad at me?
Katie: I haven't decided yet.
Simon: Good, I'll take that as a no, then.
Katie: Well, I don't want you to leave town.
Simon: Then it's a good thing your brother offered me this job. Otherwise, I would have been long gone by now.
Katie: But I don't want you chasing after that Ruby chick, either.
Simon: And you get a say in that because -- ?
Katie: Have you forgotten that we're still married? What about the INS Watching? 'Cause this is all on my head if you suddenly start acting like this isn't real.
Simon: The only one drawing attention to that situation right now is you.
Katie: It's humiliating!
Simon: I need to stay on Ruby's good side until I get what Craig wants.
Katie: So the next time that Craig orders you to cuddle up with "the girl from Ipanema," what am I supposed to do?
Simon: What I've been suggesting all along. I do my business my way and live my life, and you do the same.
Katie: So I don't have any choice?
Simon: Yeah, of course you do. What do you want for breakfast?
Katie: Well, since this is the first time that you've voluntarily hung out with me, I guess I can make the most of it.
Simon: Good, 'cause I'm buying.
Katie: Oh, yeah? With what?
Simon: Well, I'm gonna do what you taught me to do, old pal -- charge it to your brother.

Katie: Ah, here we are, right back where we started this amazing day. I can't believe how much fun it was just to hang out together. I felt like I was 12 years old again at the zoo. I know you didn't want to go, and you wanted to see a movie instead. But maybe we can see one after dinner.
Simon: No, no, no, no. I'm done and turning in for an early night.
Katie: Okay, whatever. My sister and her husband. I wonder what they're doing? They're having a party?
Simon: I don't know.
Katie: Simon, it's obvious. Unbelievable. They don't even think to invite me.
Simon: Katie -- just relax --
Katie: Stop it. So, whose birthday is it? Adam's? Casey's? You could have called. But I guess you always have time to call when things are bad. But if things are good? No time, huh? Well, that's okay. We'll just go upstairs and have dinner with the one person in my family who is on my side.
Margo: Oh, who?
Katie: Craig.
Margo: Why? What happened? What'd you pull this time?

Katie: So, everybody else in this family is allowed to make mistakes but me?
Margo: Oh --
Katie: I screw up just a little bit, Margo.
Margo:: Oh, Katie, you have lied! You pulled the victim card! You have this phantom baby, and you call that screwing up?
Katie: Oh, please. Okay, I haven't forfeited all of my rights, have I?
Margo: No, of course not.
Katie: I am still your sister. So if there is a family reunion, then I should be allowed to be there.
Margo: You're here!
Tom: Will the defendant please rest? Now listen carefully. This a party for Lien.
Katie: That's Tom's daughter from Vietnam.
Tom: I said "rest." Margo tried to call you so she could tell you about it.
Margo:There was no answer at the garage.
Katie: Oh, I guess that's probably because we moved into the room connecting to Craig's suite.
Margo: Yeah, why?
Katie: Because the garage is disgusting.
Margo: No, I mean, why would Craig have you move back in after he went to all the trouble of kicking you out?
Katie: Maybe he's not as judgmental as some other people in my family are.
Tom: I am trying to do something nice here, so don't make me change my mind. I would love it if you and Simon would like to stay for the party. How 'bout it?
Katie: We would love nothing more. Right, Simon?
Simon: Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.
Margo: Okay. I think Katie and I are gonna have a private talk here.
Tom: That would be our cue to disappear. Would you mind helping me set up?
Simon: Sure, sure, not at all.
Margo: Katie, I am very happy that you're gonna be part of this. Don't roll your eyes like that. You think I don't want our family reunited? I would like nothing better.
Katie: But?
Margo: But the cop in me can't help but wonder why Craig would welcome you and a fake husband back into the fold.
Katie: Do you even realize how insulting you're being?
Margo: All right, yeah, all right. I know, I'm but you do know what I mean. I mean, Craig has been in a lot of trouble lately, and he's been keeping to himself more than usual. Why would he change that pattern?
Katie: I don't know. Maybe he's sick of it. Maybe he's finally realizing how important family is. Maybe he just wanted to make up with me. Did you ever think of that?
Margo: Katie, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm not, really. I just find it a little difficult to believe that Craig is having you move in so he can --
Katie: No, it's a job perk. Simon's working for Craig now.

Kim: Okay, let's go.
Tom: Oh, thank you for getting here so early.
Kim: Oh, when is Lien due?
Tom: Hi. Soon, and I'm gonna need all your help. We have a lot to setting up to do.
Bob: Okay, where do you want all this?
Kim: And this?
Tom: All of it goes here.
Kim: Okay. Hi, how are you doing?
Simon: Poker? Excellent. Who plays?
Tom: Lien. She came to me when she was 16, and the first thing we shared together was a love of the game. Now, I taught her how to play, but she was a natural. She had no trouble catching on.
Bob: He spent his childhood begging us to play cards.
Nancy: We played for cookies -- my homemade ginger snaps, of course.
Bob: Yeah, and he cleaned us out of house and home. And then, Lien came around, and you met your match.
Kim: It took her all of a week to learn to beat him.
Tom: Well, thank you both for sharing.
John: Casey has promised to teach me the finer points of the game. I don't gamble myself.
Nancy: Oh, that's what all the sharks say.
Isaac: Hello, courtesy of Java Underground.
Tom: Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Isaac: It looks like somebody's already started setting up.
Bob: Courtesy of the Hughes family.
Isaac: I didn't realize you all were a group of high rollers.
Simon: Yeah, well, maybe we should start warming up if Lien's as good as you say.
Curtis: Pick a card, any card.

Margo: So what is Simon's job for Craig? I mean, what is his job description exactly?
Katie: I don't know. I'm going to go help set up for the party.
Margo: Ah, ah, ah -- you didn't ask?
Katie: Of course I asked. No one will tell me anything.
Margo: Good, it's better you don't know. That way you can't be implicated.
Katie: Why are you so suspicious of Craig?
Margo: I didn't say I was. But you're my little sister. And if there's going to be cross fire, I want to make sure that you're kept out of it.
Katie: No. Whatever Simon is doing for Craig, it's not dangerous. He would never put me in the line of fire.
Margo: So then you won't mind if I go talk to him.
Katie: Go ahead.
Margo: Simon, a suggestion -- watch out for Craig.
Simon: Why the sudden warning?
Margo: Katie told me that you're going to be working for him. And though he's my brother, he does tend to not look before he leaps. I don't want Katie in any more trouble.
Simon: Then you'd better tell her, 'cause she has a way of causing trouble wherever she goes.

Lien: Oh, my goodness.
[ Cheers and applause ] [ laugher ] to my dad -- how could I ever thank you for your great gifts. You've given life, a home, a job -- [ laughter ] and now a party. Thank you.
Kim: Well, now, don't let Tom take all the credit. I mean, we've been hounding him to throw this shindig, because it was the only way we were ever going to get to see you.
Bob: You've been so busy since you've came back.
Lien: Well, I kind of have this really brutal boss.
Tom: Oh, and I have a partner who gives new meaning to the word "overtime." No, I knew you wouldn't consent to a party unless I gave you no choice. So to keep it interesting, we've arranged a little poker game.
Lien: Well, well. Well, I recognize a lot of you. But there are some people I haven't met yet. And I think we'd better be introduced, before I have to start deciding who is bluffing or not.
Tom: No, no. You don't have to be introduced.
Katie: Hi. I'm Katie Peretti - Frasier now, Margo's little sister.
Lien: Oh my goodness, I remember you when were little. You were this beautiful, spotless child with these two golden pigtails who made this incredible mess everywhere you went.
Margo: You know, except for the pigtails, nothing much has changed.
Tom: Hey.
Katie: Ha, ha, very funny. This is my husband, Simon.
Simon: Hi. Nice to meet you.
Lien: Nice to meet you. Wow, looks like a big crowd for a poker game, but I'm ready if you are. People, be ready to part with your money.
Tom: Five minutes. Let me make sure the tables are set up.

Simon: So tell me, are you incapable of keeping a secret? Because secret is what my job was supposed to be. You didn't have to go and tell your sister the cop that Craig hired me.
Katie: She's a professional interrogator. She wormed it out of me!
Simon: Oh, please, please, please. That is pathetic, Katie, even for you.
Craig: Simon, I need you.
Katie: Craig, I was just having fun at a party with my husband!
Craig: Well now, you're saying good night.
Simon: So what's up?
Craig: Ruby and Gabriel Frank are working my son again, and he thinks they're on his side.
Simon: Well, they're on no one's side but their own.
Craig: Yes, well, I don't like it, and they have to hear that in no uncertain terms.

Simon: This is the place.
Craig: Such as it is.
[ Knock at the door ] Gabriel Frank?!
Gabriel: There must be some mistake.
Craig: Correct! But I'm gonna give you a chance to redeem yourself. Tell me what you want with my son.

Gabriel: Your son? I don't know who your son is.
Craig: You're a lousy actor. Bryant Montgomery.
Simon: Refresh your memory?
Gabriel: No, no -- please. Please.
Craig: You hurt h you conned him. You almost got him in jail. What do you want?
Gabriel: We don't want anything.
Craig: If you don't know how far I will go to protect my son, I can show you. I can show you, huh?
Gabriel: No, no. Come on, come on. Pl -- okay, let's just not, okay, okay?! I'll tell you everything.
Gabriel: Look, I didn't go looking for Bryant again. He came to me.
Simon: Yeah, right.
Craig: I just came from a long conversation with my son. He told me of your remorse and how you just had to make amends. Huh?
Gabriel: We didn't mean for the kid to get in trouble with the cops, and when we'd seen what we'd done, we --
Craig: So you preyed on him. You promised him compromising pictures of me. You took advantage of his confusion.
Gabriel: Look, with all due respect, you're wrong. Bryant knew exactly what he wanted. When you -- ah! When you didn't buy Ruby's act, he's the one that ordered us to find something more explicit.
Craig: Your daughter naked on top of me, huh?
Gabriel: "Whatever works," that's the family motto. Ah!
Simon: "Beating you to a bloody pulp" is my motto!
Gabriel: Look, the boy begged us for help. After what we'd done to him, I couldn't turn my back.
Craig: Somehow I'm still unconvinced. Now, tell me what you want with my son.
Gabriel: Look, I'm sorry, Montgomery, but what I said before is true. Bryant tracked me down. Now, look, just listen and consider, all right? If you find that a little hard to believe, consider maybe it's because you'd rather blame some transient nobody like myself than face the fact that your own son hates your guts.

Craig: Now, I'm gonna ask you one more time. What are you getting out of this? And if you don't answer me, I'm gonna have to break you down.
Gabriel: What could I possibly gain out of helping your son?
Craig: Were you trying to blackmail me?
Gabriel: Look, Mr. Montgomery, I'm sorry, but where's the profit motive, hmm? Your son's been very open with me about your precarious financial position. He's told me all about your upcoming nuptials, how you're only going through with them so you can share in your future wife's --
Craig: That is not an answer!
Gabriel: Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, it's none of my business. Please, blackmail isn't in the cards. The pictures belong to Bryant. He's determined to destroy your wedding at any --
Simon: So maybe he was gonna sell them to The Intruder? Yeah, I mean, Craig's got a high profile, and he's marrying a well-known businesswoman. It could sell papers.
Craig: Emily Stewart, huh?
Gabriel: Well, who the hell is Emily Stewart?! Look, guys, you're still looking for something that just isn't there. The only reason I did this was because I felt I owed Bryant something. I want to get the negatives. Here, take them. The only person they're useful to is your angry, bitter, surprisingly vindictive son. Oh, I wonder how he got that way. Go on.
Craig: Don't insult me. I know what I'm dealing with.
Simon: Where are the copies, huh?
Gabriel: The only prints are with Bryant. If you don't believe me, call him. Call him. Just search the whole place. Go on. You won't find anything.
Craig: Vultures like you would only camp out in Oakdale if you smelled blood. The only question is, whose? Is that what your daughter's out working on while you stay home decorating?
Gabriel: Oh, who knows? Perhaps as we speak, she's at the Walsh compound, digging her talons into your son's back.
Craig: A-ha. That's it. My son lives on the property of the biggest fish in town -- Lucinda Walsh, hmm?
Gabriel: I'm not acquainted.
Craig: She's your target. That's why the sudden interest in my son.
Gabriel: No, no, no, no, no.
Craig: No?
Gabriel: You're way off. You're way out.
Simon: Lucinda Walsh makes a lot sense.
Gabriel: Look, I have no interest in this Walsh woman or her fortune, I assure you.
Craig: You are way out of your league, hairball. Now, if you're smart, you'll get out of town now. I will not let you use my son, and if he gets hurt in any way, I will find you, and I will take you apart. You got that? Got that?
Gabriel: Yes.
Craig: That's it. That's it.

The Lakeview Dining Room

Simon: I don't know about you, but there's something about that Gabriel guy that makes me feel like I need a long shower.
Craig: His sincerity? Well, at least we know their M.O. Bryant is their ticket to Lucinda Walsh's money.
Simon: Yeah, well, it fits, doesn't it? I mean, he lives on her property. She trusts him. Do you wanna warn her? Didn't think so.
Craig: No, I want them out of the way. Lucinda is mine. But more than anything, I don't want Bryant to take a fall.
Simon: Fine. What do you want me to do?
Craig: Stay on top of the Franks.
Simon: All right, no problem.
Craig: Get back with Ruby. Find out exactly what she's up to. You think you can hand that?
Simon: Can't think of anything else I'm better suited for.

Ruby: Bryant, is that you?
Simon: Have you forgotten me already?
Ruby: How did you find me?
Simon: Well, after the night that we very nearly spent together, you think I'd let you out of my sight for too long?
Ruby: So, you break into a stranger's house looking for me?
Simon: Well, next time I'll send you some flowers.
Ruby: Look, you go home, I'll find you, and then we'll talk about next time. Okay? But right now --
Simon: Right now, I want a taste of what I gave you the other night.
Ruby: And what could that be?
Simon: Your secrets. You're not here for your health, Ruby. You're up to something.

Simon: After everything that we shared.
Ruby: I had quite a bit to drink. I don't know what I was saying.
Simon: Oh, yeah, right.
Ruby: It's true. It's a blur. I was talking, you were talking, then your little wife wanted to behead me.
Simon: Okay, well, you don't have to worry about her right now. So why don't you just relax and explain to me how you ended up here at the Walsh guesthouse?
Ruby: I'm a guest of the grandson.
Simon: Wow. You work fast.
Ruby: I work well.
Simon: One day, you're at a dive bar, the next, you're in the guesthouse of the richest kid in town. Tomorrow -- who knows?
Ruby: How am I supposed to concentrate when your lips feel like that?
Simon: What, you want me to stop?
Ruby: One should never mix business and pleasure. Well, that's enough business for today, and unfortunately, there's not enough time for pleasure.
Simon: What, are you kicking me out?
Ruby: You'll see me again, Simon. You're a lot of fun. But if you ever put my work in jeopardy, if you ever put me in any kind of trouble, I --
Simon: Even the good kind of trouble?
Ruby: You'll regret it.
Simon: Well, thanks for the warning.

Craig: Well, it seems your wife, my sister, has found something outside the suite to occupy her abundant free time so we can talk.
Simon: You sure? Katie has an uncanny knack for turning up unexpectedly.
Craig: I learned her favorite eavesdropping corners the last time she abused my hospitality. But let's do this. I have business. So, you've been tracking Ruby?
Simon: Yeah, and she's trying to talk her way into Lucinda Walsh's house.
Craig: That's interesting. And how do you know this?
Simon: Well, I followed her to your son Bryant's place. He seems to be given her asylum at the moment. We had a lengthy chat, and she told me that she told Bryant that she needs protection from her father.
Craig: And of course he believed her. My son has a gullible streak he inherited from his mother. So, Bryant is giving Ruby shelter in the pool house, but you think she has plans for the big house?
Simon: Well, yeah. She didn't say that in so many words, but I definitely know a pit stop from a final destination.
Craig: Hmm. And do your instincts give you some kind a timetable with this?
Simon: No, not really.
Craig: So you think it's -- she's already wormed her way into Lucinda's house?
Simon: Sure, it's quite possible. Yes.
Craig: You better find out.
Simon: How?
Craig: Simple. You get inside Lucinda's house.

Simon: The last time I went to Lucinda Walsh's house, it was through the foyer in a '75 Chevy.
Craig: So this time, walk in the front door.
Simon: No, no, no. Look, you're not hearing me. She hates me, all right? I'm not welcome there.
Craig: She won't be there. She's got a meeting at Worldwide in about an hour.
Simon: Well, why didn't you just say so? So what, I just ring the doorbell and ask for Ruby?
Craig: Exactly. Give her a few minutes to leave, and then call and ask for Ruby. If she's there, get over there. You get yourself cozy with Miss Mambo, and find out how she got there. If Lucinda is helping her, find out why, and find out exactly what Ruby and Gabriel have in store for Lucinda, okay?
Simon: Yeah, yeah, fine. I'll give it a go.
Craig: I'm going.
Simon: So what's this pressing appointment?
Craig: Barbara Ryan.
Simon: Ah, the famous fiancee. The way you were carrying on, I thought it was some important business meeting.
Craig: Oh, it is, Simon. In fact, it's more than business. This appointment could be the key to my financial future.

Walsh Mansion

[Phone rings.]
Ruby: The Walsh residence.
Simon: Hello, may I speak to Ruby Frank?
Ruby: May I ask who's calling?
Simon: Your soul mate. Ah, so I was right. You were trying to weasel your way into Lucinda's house.
Ruby: It just so happens I was invited. Ms. Walsh has been extremely generous.
Simon: I'm sure she hasn't got a clue just how generous. You know, I only wish I could be there firsthand right now to get a look at that "Cat that ate the canary" expression you must be wearing.
[Ruby laughs.]
Ruby: Is that your complicated way of saying you'd like to see me?
Simon: Well, you read my mind again.
Ruby: Well, no one's here but me. I've got the whole fun house to myself for the next couple of hours. Wanna come over and play?
Simon: I thought you'd never ask. I'm in.

Ruby: What took you so long? Wasn't I worth rushing for?
Simon: Yes, yes, I did rush. I just stood outside for ten minutes debating whether I should ring the doorbell or not.
Ruby: You're not afraid of me, are you?
Simon: No. no, but the fire-breathing dragon that lives here -- that's a completely different story.
Ruby: Oh, she'll be gone for hours.
Simon: Yeah, and what about her butler? If he sees me here, he's gonna rat me out in a second.
Ruby: He's gone, vanished, whatever. Why would he recognize you anyway? Are you a wanted man?
Simon: Not in the way I would have liked. Okay, you remember the woman I told you about the night we met -- Lily?
Ruby: Oh, yeah. Yeah, your love -- the one you were strumming love ballads for.
Simon: Yes, yes. She is Lucinda Walsh's daughter.
Ruby: Wow. Oh, she must be loaded! No wonder you fell for her.
Simon: Well, you see this? Right here -- whoa, whoa. This right here, that is probably worth more than most people earn in an entire year. Lucinda Walsh thinks that her money gives her the right to run everyone else's lives. I would give anything to see her brought down a peg or two.
Ruby: Can I tell you a secret?
Simon: What are you gonna give me to buy my silence?
Ruby: You're gonna get your wish. By the time I'm done, Ms. Walsh will be brought down a lot more than a peg. While I'm here, I intend of ripping the woman off for everything I can.
Simon: What, you think just lifting a couple candlesticks is gonna make a dent?
Ruby: Did I say that was all? Why? Do you want in?
Simon: No, I've got other projects. It's good enough for me just to know that somehow, and in some way, she's gonna get exactly what's coming to her.
Ruby: I'll cut you in if you ask me nice.
Simon: And why would you do that?
Ruby: Because of that look you get in your eyes.
Simon: What look is that?
Ruby: The one that says, "There's no other woman in this planet that makes me feel the way you do."
Simon: You see that in my eyes?
Ruby: Only when you talk about Lily.
Simon: All right, come on. Come on, let's go check out the rest of this place while we've got the entire place to ourselves.
Ruby: You're gonna love upstairs. There's nothing but bedrooms.
(Ruby giggles.)

Simon: Well, how many pairs of shoes can one old woman have?
Ruby: I guess they wear out when you step over as many people as she has.
Simon: Yeah, she's a tough old bird, all right. Which makes me wonder -
Ruby: Mm-hmm?
Simon: -- How you ever convinced her to take you in.
Ruby: I have my ways, and she had her reasons.
Simon: Yeah? And what might they be?
Ruby: You know what? You are the hottest, most incredible guy I've been with in a long, long time.
Simon: And that still doesn't answer my question.
Ruby: Well, that's because you ask too many. Mmm.
Lily: Simon?!

Katie: Where's Simon?
Craig: Out.
Katie: Where'd you send him off to this time?
Craig: If I answer that, you'll interrupt his work. And how will that benefit me?
Katie: I'm your sister. He's my husband. Doesn't that give you any reason to want to see me happy?
Craig: You have food. You have lodging. Your husband is employed. If you're not happy, you should be.
Katie: You're really starting to tick me off, Craig.
[ Craig giggles ] ever since Simon has started working for you, he's gone all day, through all hours of the night, and he's hanging out, being hit on by that -- "Ruby." how is Ruby connected to Lucinda?
Craig: What is that?
Katie: Hmm? So is that the reason you forced my husband to get on that tramp, to get back at Lucinda?
Craig: Drop it, Katie.
Katie: What is this plan, Craig? And why does it involve Simon practically crawling into bed with Ruby to accomplish it? What is it? Just tell me. Fine. I'll go ask Simon myself.
Craig: Stay away from Lucinda's.
Katie: Oh, come on. It's not like I'm gonna ruin your perfectly laid plans by causing a scene. I'm sure Ruby isn't inside Lucinda's palace shaking her bon-bon. They would never let her within 30 you disgusting, sleazy -- she is there. I can't believe my very own brother would send off my husband to go do God knows what. You're worse than a pimp.
Craig: Leave it alone, Kate.
Katie: Oh, and let my marriage go down in flames? I don't think so.
Craig: All right, all right, I will tell you. But it is imperative that Simon's work not be interrupted.
Katie: Why?
Craig: Because I have blown it with Barbara. She's not going marry me.
Katie: How did that happen?
Craig: It doesn't matter. But if you interrupt Simon now, you might as well pack, because we will all be looking for a place to live.

Walsh Mansion

Lily: Simon?
Simon: Fancy meeting you here.
Lily: Who are you? What's going on here? Where's my mother?
Simon: Lucinda isn't here right now. I was just here visiting Ruby.
Lily: Ruby? Ruby? Ruby, that's your name?
Ruby: Yes. And you are -- ?
Lily: I'm someone with a right to be here. What are you doing in my mother's house -- besides the obvious?
Ruby: Well, ms. Walsh invited me to stay with her for a while. I'm a friend of Bryant's.
Lily: Bryant? Where's Bryant?
Ruby: Right this minute? I don't know.
Lily: Well, where's Matthew? Matthew!
Ruby: He's gone.
Lily: My mother left you alone here, a stranger, in her house, and you're here with her on the couch doing this and -- there's something that doesn't make any sense to me, so I'm going to ask again. What is going here?
Simon: We're just two friends hanging out.
Lily: Oh, is that your story, too?
Ruby: Well, it's true.
Lily: All right, you don't want to explain it to me? That's fine. You can explain it to my mother.

Simon: There's no need to involve Lucinda in this, Lily. Please? I'll leave.
Lily: You're not going anywhere without an explanation.
Simon: Okay, sure.
Lily: You drove your car through her foyer not too many months ago. She had you arrested Simon! And here you are, in her house with this woman, on her couch. And she's not even home.
Simon: It's just as Ruby explained. Ruby's here as Lucinda's guest and I'm here as Ruby's guest. That's all.
Ruby: And you are Lucinda's daughter. You and Simon seem to know each other so well. Are you one of his many ex-wives?
Ruby: What?
Simon: That's enough, Ruby.
Ruby: Oh, come on, Simon. Don't be shy now. I'm enjoying these little episodes with your scorned lovers. It's like dinner theater without the lousy food.
Lily: What is she talking about?
Simon: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Lily: Nothing?
Simon: Nope.
Lily: Well, that doesn't sound like nothing to me. It seems that Ruby has many stories that I've never heard. Would you like to explain them to me, please?
Ruby: I was just joking. Right?
Lily: Is that true? Was that a joke?
Simon: No.
Lily: You were married before Katie?
Simon: Yep. Yes.
Lily: And divorced?
Simon: Yes.
Lily: More than once?
Simon: I don't have to answer any more of your questions, Lily. You knowing what I'm doing here is one thing, but beyond that, my past is none of your business anymore, is it?
Lily: Our past -- our past is my business. I have to know what we shared together was based on some sort of reality.
Ruby: Oh, that's right. She's the special one you told me about, right, Bryant's aunt?
Simon: Ruby, please, just stop.
Lily: Your next conquest seems to know everything about me, so I think it's fair for me to know about the rest. Isn't it?
Simon: Why? There's no point.
Lily: That woman -- that woman who called my house and left a message on my answering machine last year --
Simon: Don't do this.
Lily: -- She called you a liar and a cheat. Was that what you were -- was that a wife?
Simon: Look, I explained that phone call to you at the time, remember?
Lily: On the machine, she said, "shame on any fool who'd trust Simon Frasier." what -- how stupid! How stupid was I?!
Simon: This is pointless.
Lily: "Pointless"? Was she your wife? How many others were there?
Simon: I don't know. I don't know. I lost count along the way.
Ruby: Poor Simon. He's so unlucky in love.
Lily: You never intended to tell me this?
Simon: Look, it never came up. It never came up.
Lily: We were spending -- we were gonna probably spend the rest of lives together. And you left out this detail, this big detail?! Why? Was everything that we had -- was it just a lie?
Simon: I loved you. That I didn't lie about.
Lily: How about all these other women lining up to be the next Mrs. Simon Frasier? Where did they fit in?
Simon: Love had nothing to do with it.
Lily: You were married twice, 3 times, 60 times, and you never said that you loved these people? You never planned to spend the rest of your lives together? You never promised that you'd be there for them the way you did for me?!
Simon: Listen, listen. What does it matter what I promised them?! Okay, I didn't love them.
Lily: Then why? Then what? What was it all about?!
Simon: It was how I made a living.

Craig's Suite

Katie: Please, what is with the attitude? You're Craig Montgomery. If there's one thing you know how to do, it's how to get back on a woman's good side. I'm sure you'll find a way to have Barbara forgive you, and not only that, you'll probably have her apologizing for giving you the boot in the first place.
Craig: Therein lies the rub. She didn't give me the boot.
Katie: Well, what are you saying, that you broke off the engagement?
Craig: Yes, and I can kick myself without any assistance, thank you.
Katie: Wow, your life's even more screwed up than mine is.
Craig: That is so sympathetic. Why don't you empathize on back to your room while you still can?
Katie: As you said, this affects me and Simon. So maybe I can help you.
[ Craig laughs ]
Craig: Yeah.
Katie: Hey, I may not know a lot about business, but I do know a lot about love.
Craig: Don't you have to actually have experienced a successful relationship before you can dispense advice?
Katie: I learned from my mistakes. And I know women because I am one. So if you want to get Barbara back, and you obviously do, I can help.
[ Craig laughs ]
Craig: All right, I will listen to this.
Katie: Okay, why'd you break off the engagement?
Craig: You tell me.
Katie: Hmm, okay, Barbara was maybe dragging her feet a little bit, and so to push things along, you used a little bit of reverse psychology?
Craig: Not bad.
Katie: See, I told you I was good. The problem with using reverse psychology on Barbara is that she's been around the block enough to have probably done that a few times herself. So she knew it was coming. Unless --
Craig: What?
Katie: -- You took her breath away by being so out of character.
Craig: And hence, from lack of oxygen, she lost her voice and the ability to call me.
Katie: No, no, no. I'm serious, Craig. Barbara was so blown away by your selfless act because normally you're so selfish. Get it?
Craig: Got it. Go.
Katie: I would bet anything --
Craig: You don't have anything.
Katie: Ha, ha, ha. -- That Barbara is torturing herself right now trying to figure out a way to make things work.
Craig: Do you hear that non-ringing phone? So much for her tortured efforts and your woman's intuition.
Katie: No, no, no, no, no. Wait! No, she would come in person. I bet you anything she's on her way up here right now to make up with you.
Craig: Yes, well, since you won't go to your room, I will escape to mine.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Barbara: Craig? Are you there?
Katie: I don't know why nobody ever listens to me. Open the door.
Craig: Just a second, Barbara. Get out of here, will you?
Katie: No, you need to answer the door with pain. Show her that --
Craig: I am not going to keep her waiting, all right?
[ Katie punches Craig in the stomach and Craig grunts ]
Katie: I'm sorry, I just -- I need this wedding as much as you do. I would much rather have you get rich off of Barbara than anything that has to do with Ruby.
>> Barbara: Craig?
Katie: I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? Can you talk?
Craig: I am gonna -- I am gonna get you.
Katie: Oh, just the right amount of strength and anguish. Perfect, I'll just go out the back.

Walsh Mansion

Lily: What were your plans for me?
Simon: You know the answer to that.
Lily: I thought I did.
Simon: I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.
Lily: No, you wanted to use me. You were gonna marry me for my money, and then you were going to dump me aside like the rest. To think of everything that I almost gave up for you. Oh, and my Holden -- I hurt --
Simon: Well, I got what I deserved, didn't I? I mean, you went back to your husband, and everything turned out just as it should have, didn't it?
Lily: Were you planning on me being the next ex-Mrs. Simon frasier?
Simon: No, I wasn't.
Lily: You told me that you loved me, and now, you're telling me that you used women for money. What am I supposed to think?
Simon: Believe anything you want about me but not that -- not that I didn't love you. Even --
Lily: Don't. don't, don't, don't.
Simon: Look, you heard Ruby, okay? I told her about you, that you were the one that changed me.
Lily: I can't believe you. How am I supposed to believe her?! For all I know, you two crashed in here, you got in here somehow, and you're gonna steal everything of my mother's and put it in the trunk of your car.
Simon: Oh, come on. That's -- don't be -- that's ridiculous.
Lily: The man that you showed me didn't exist. You were a complete fraud. Everything -- nothing -- nothing about you -- nothing about you was real.
Simon: Okay, hold on to that, Lily. Yeah, talk yourself into believing that I felt nothing for you if that's what helps you to move on without any guilt.
Lily: I'm in a different place right now in my life, a good place. And I know that I belong with Holden. But I cared about you. I almost gave up everything -- everything for you. And I think about that now, I think about what we shared, and it wasn't real. And I feel ashamed of myself for everything that we shared. And I want you to get out. I need to just -- I need you to get out. You gotta get out of the house now!
Ruby: Simon, I'll get in touch with you once it all gets cleared up, okay?
[Katie comes in.]
Katie: Get in touch with this, honey.
Simon: Katie, stop it. Come here.
Katie: Stay away from my husband, or I'll have to decide what to break first, your fingers or your face!
Ruby: It won't change anything. He'll still want me.
Katie: Face wins.
[Katie attacks Ruby]
Lily: Hey, stop it!
Katie: Let me go! You're mine, and she's gonna know it!
Ruby: I'm gonna tear her apart!
Lily: Nobody is tearing anybody apart! What right do you have coming in here like Xena, the Warrior Princess?
Katie: Simon is my husband. Mine. Not yours, not hers -- mine.
Simon: Settle down, okay, please?
Katie: No, I'm gonna settle this once and for all, okay? 'Cause I am so sick of being expected to share my husband with sorry older women, like you, who can't get a man on their own.
Lily and Ruby: "Older women"?
Katie: I'm Simon's wife, and I have duties to protect the man that I promised to love and cherish for better or for worse.
Lily: Oh, that's very good.
Katie: The most important of which is to make that tramps like you keep their slimy tentacles off of him.
[ Ruby grunts ]
Simon: Can we stop? Stop, okay?
Katie: So take a lesson, Lily. If you want a man, you gotta fight for him.
Simon: Katie, I'm not your property, okay?
Katie: I didn't mean it like that. I just meant --
Simon: Please, just -- just go home! Please!
Katie: You're not coming?
Simon: I will be there shortly, okay?
Katie: Oh, no, no, no. There is no way that I am walking out of here and leaving you between the cheating wife and that no-brained slut --
Ruby: Shut your mouth, or I'll shut it for you!
Simon: Stop it now, all right?
[ All yelling ]
Katie: Come on!
Lucinda: Now, the lady of the manor! What the hell is going on here?
Lucinda: Simon, you better have a pretty good reason for being back in my home or within 100 yards of my daughter.
Simon: Look, I was just leaving.
Lucinda: You just wait! Dear, did you bring this vile specimen back into my home?
Lily: No, no. I came in here, and I found him cavorting, with your houseguest, on the couch.
Lucinda: Ruby, did you invite him here?
Ruby: Well, he's my friend. I didn't know he wasn't allowed here.
Lucinda: Well, know it now. He's not! Go on.
Ruby: Ow!
Lucinda: Come on, get out. Get back -- get to your room, and stay there until I call you. Simon, what were you doing with that girl?
Simon: This. [ Simon grabs hold of Lucinda and kisses her ]
Katie: And, you, don't you get any ideas, either. All right? He's mine. Simon, wait! Where are you going?!

Craig's Suite

[Craig jocundly]
Craig: Oh, the things we'll do together, Barbara Ryan-Montgomery.
Simon: That stinks.
Craig: Hmm? Oh, how'd it go with Ruby? Did you get an idea on what she and Gabriel are going to do to fleece Lucinda?
Simon: Oh, it's nothing too impressive. They're gonna wait for the right moment and then just take off with the family silver, a couple checkbooks, whatever else they can carry.
Craig: Small-time, just as I figured. Well, I'm gonna have to set a new agenda for the franks. They have a little talent but no imagination.
Simon: Should I set up a meeting?
Craig: Yes, as soon as possible. And I need you to get back to Lucinda's.
Simon: Oh, no, no, no, no. No way. I'm not gonna do that. I can't do that.
Craig: Why not?
Simon: Well, Lily and Lucinda showed up while I was there today. It was quite a scene.
Craig: I'll bet.
Simon: Yeah, and as usual, Katie makes an appearance, just adding to the chaos.
Craig: Well, what a surprise that is. But she is your burden. Still, I need you to get those photos back.
Simon: You're kidding, right? Once again, you expect me to break into Lucinda's house?
Craig: No, my son has them in the guesthouse. I want you to go in there and get them, 'cause nothing can stop my marriage to Barbara Ryan.