News from the Wahoo Gazette
News from the Wahoo Gazette
Got a favorite moment I'm missing? Tell me what it was and when it happened and I'll try to add it!
April 4, 2001
ALAN SAYS FAREWELL TO XENA
Xena: Warrior Princess has been with us for 6 long years but her run is just about
over. Dave offer a well-deserved congratulations to the folks at Xena on a job
well done. Alan, our announcer Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen, interrupts Dave
rather caustically. It appears that Alan has no use for the Xena: Warrior Princess,
obviously no fan is he. He mocks the program, laughs at the premise, ridicules its
fans. In fact, Alan is so sickened by Dave's congratulatory mention that Alan storms
off from his perch and exits out the alley doors. Alan abhors Xena. Or so it seems.
Actually, Alan much adores Xena. Lucky for us, we had a hidden camera just beyond
the alley doors and were able to see Alan's honest reaction to the cancellation
of Xena. We see Alan crying out in agony at the show's demise. As Alan rips open
his shirt, as he is wont to do in these scripted situations, we see Alan wearing
the body armor breast support of his idol Xena. Oh the anguish. Oh the pain. Oh
the over-the-top acting.
September 8, 2000
ANNA KALTERKOVA
If you've been watching the show, you know Dave loves the tennis, but we have
even a bigger tennis fan than Dave on the show. He's our announcer Alan Kalter,
ladies and gentlemen. Alan says he is a big tennis fan and has a special
interest in this year's U.S. Open. "You see, my cousin Anna is playing in it."
This surprised Dave as he thought he would have heard of this before hand.
"Really?" says Dave. "Your cousin, Anna?" Alan now appears slightly unsteady.
"Yeah. And now it's time for the Anna KALTER-kova Play of the Day." In much the
same way as the Anna Kournikova Play of the Day opens, we see the introduction
to the Anna Kalterkova Play of the Day. Sexy music is heard. We see a slow
motion shot of the lower legs of Anna Kalterkova. Slowly the camera rises. We
soon see it's Alan dressed in tennis whites and sporting a blonde wig. Dave
enters the scene in casual clothes and asks Alan what is going on? Alan stays
in his Anna Kalterkova role and pleads with Dave to "get off the court". Dave
reveals the big hoax, pointing out Alan's blonde wig and fake U.S. Open
background. Alan tries to convince Dave that he really is Anna Kalterkova, the
4th seeded women's tennis player. Dave calls for the doctors as Alan is led off.
Is it just me or does Anna Kalterkova look like the lead singer for Spinal Tap?
September 6, 2000
ALAN'S FIFTH ANNIVERSARY
In the ACT 4, Dave begins billboarding tomorrow's show when Alan, our announcer
Alan Kalter ladies and gentlemen, bellows out "Oh, by the way, Happy 5th
Anniversary, Alan! Great job, buddy." Dave tries to ignore Alan's obvious
sarcastic remark. Dave continues but so does Alan. It gets to be too much for
Dave as Alan takes over. Alan is upset that no one mentioned his 5th Anniversary
with the show. (Alan's first show: September 4, 1995) Mocking Dave and
sprinkling thinly disguised insults at Dave, Alan reveals his hurt in a rather
angry manner. Alan picks up a 5th Anniversary cake from a nearby table, a cake
he probably bought himself, and smashes it to the stage floor. Weeping like a
fragile child, Alan runs out of the theater, ripping his clothes off as he goes.
He exits the building and turns towards the Hudson. Alan is mad with delirium.
Off come his shirt, his shoes, his belt, and finally his pants. Running west on
53rd, Alan wavers from side to side on the walk and soon disappears, but not
before giving a Jackie Mason salute to the forgetful host. Dave is stunned. For
some reason, the audience finds great delight in the tattered mental state of
our good friend, Alan. With nothing left to say, Dave says we'll be right back.
August 29, 2000
ALAN KALTER SINGS "CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN"
After the closing of the Campaign 2000, Alan breaks out into song, singing the
lovely "Climb Every Mountain" from "The Sound of Music." At his completion, Alan
runs out the theater with his head in his hands, crying all the way. Many of us
were deeply touched by Alan's fine performance. Even more had the same reaction
as Late Show propster, Ruth Siegal, who according to the script, continually
Pimp-slapped our red-headed announcer for behaving like a weeping weenie. Dave
was unsure what to make of the whole thing.
I don't know if you noticed, but when Alan hit that last note, bellowing out the word "dream", it reminded me of Michael Bolton trying to keep up with Pavarotti on our show as they sang "Nessum Dorma" (4/11/96; show #573)
August 28, 2000
ALAN KALTER'S PLEA TO ELLEN DEGENERES AND ANNE HECHE
"I think we're all pretty upset about something that happened last week and it's
high time we addressed it here on the show. That's why I'd like to say a few
words to the recently-separated Anne Heche and Ellen Degeneres. Girls, please.
You two cats need to put those claws away and let Big Red teach you how to purr
again. Together, we'll test the limits of human sexual endurance in one of my 4
themed rooms: 'The Jungle', 'The Desert Hideaway', 'The Space Capsule', or 'The
Medieval Dungeon.' Yes, we'll walk the delicious tightrope between pleasure and
pain. I will become the missing puzzle-piece you've been aching for all these
years - that's right, I'm talking about a delicious menage a Kalter. You see,
girls, there's no need to fight. Unless that's what you're into."
August 23, 2000
ALAN DEALS WITH SURVIVOR GOING OFF THE AIR
After the blue card, Dave discussed how big a blockbuster "Survivor" has been for CBS. Dave was fascinated by America's fascination in the program. Off-screen we hear Alan Kalter, our announcer Alan Kalter ladies and gentlemen, bellow out "Boooooooooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiing!" Dave stops, then continues his "Survivor" thoughts. Again, Alan droans, "Booooooorrrrrrrrriiiiiiiing!" This happens a third time as Dave finally has to ask Alan if something is wrong?
Alan: sarcastically - "Survivor's going off the air! What am I going to do? (no longer sarcastic) Oh boo 'givlomh' hoo. If I hear one more word about that ridiculous show, honest to God, I'm gonna slit my wrists. If I had my way, I'd vote anyone who watches Survivor right off the planet, because you know what? Anyone stupid enough to sit through that garbage week after week shouldn't be allowed to breed. I'm outta here." Alan throws off his headphones and storms out the door. We see Alan approach his dressing room door. As he enters, we notice his office is ornately adorned with Survivor paraphanalia. Alan is crushed over the finish of Survivor. His reaction to Dave was merely a farce. He rips off his shirts and crumbles to the ground in anguish. He cries out wondering how HE will survive without Survivor. Once again, it's a stellar performance from Alan Kalter.
Alan returns and Dave asks if he is OK? Alan says he is, wondering why Dave asked.
Seeing Alan without his shirt, Dave whispers to Paul, "That ab roller is worth every penny."
August 21, 2000
ALAN KALTER SINGS "I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU"
Halfway through the closing of the Campaign 2000, Alan Kalter breaks into song, singing "I Say A Little Prayer For You." This was written by Burt Bacharach and H. David and made famous by that Psychic lady, Dionne Warwick (I think). So taken was Alan by his own performance that he ran off stage swept up in emotion. here was nary a dry eye in the place.
The best part of Alan's performance was seeing Hugh Masekela sitting in with the band. As Alan ran out the guest entrance, you could see a perplexed Hugh wondering what the heck was going on. Hugh wasn't at rehearsal and was understandably confused.
August 10, 2000
ALAN KALTER'S MESSAGE TO JORDAN, THE EXOTIC DANCER FROM "BIG BROTHER"
Alan interrupts Dave. He has something to say.
"Dave, we've all been entertained by the show 'Big Brother' - but can you imagine how devastating it must be to get voted out of the house by America? That's why this message is for Jordan, the blonde exotic dancer banished last week."
Alan turns to audience camera. Seductively: "Baby, I know you're vulnerable right now. Feels like the whole world's ganging up on you, doesn't it, sugar pie? Well who needs Big Brother when you can have Big Red. At my chateau in the Pyrenees, I guarantee the only thing we'll banish will be our inhibitions, as I perform an exotic strip-tease of my own that will leave you writhing on the ground like a hungry animal. And just like the Big Brother house, my bedroom is rigged with 32 hidden cameras."
August 9, 2000
ALAN KALTER SINGS "SEND IN THE CLOWNS"
Halfway through Alan's closing announce, he breaks into the loveliest rendition
of "Send In The Clowns" these ears have ever heard. This man, Alan Kalter, has
so many talents that we at The Late Show have just barely scratched the surface
of his talent pool. We stand in awe of his greatness. So taken was Alan himself
by the song, he ran out the theater with his head buried in his hands. With the
urging of a standing ovation from the appreciative audience, Alan returned to
face the well-deserved accolades. There was even a young lad near tears in the
front row. Dave told Alan to take the rest of the night off and to get himself
a drink. Alan's performance was stunning.