"Where No Ding Dong Has Gone Before"
by Ed Van Cise
"Frank, do you see this? Do you know what this is?" asked the Sergeant, pointing disgustedly at the open top drawer of the filing cabinet near his desk.
"No," responded Ponch with an innocent smile, a half eaten Ding Dong poorly hidden in one hand.
"This, Frank, is your jacket," replied the Sergeant as he tried to pull an overly full folder from among the several smaller folders in the drawer. "These much smaller folders are the jackets of all my other officers. There isn't anymore room in this jacket for one of your incidents. Please, try to remember to ride on top of your bike, not under it, ok?" he asked as he slammed the drawer shut. The drawer refused to close and bounced back open. The sergeant scowled as he had to struggle Ponch's jacket far enough down into the drawer so that it would close fully.
"Yes, sir," Ponch replied with a gulp.
"Good, now get off my desk, clean those crumbs off my desk, and hit your beat."
Ponch swept his hand quickly across the desk and brushed the crumbs onto the floor. He turned to leave the sergeant's office and ran into his partner, Officer LaForge, who had just finished checking his mail and was walking down the hall.
"Hey, are you two on break?" shouted the sergeant from behind his desk.
"No," they replied in unison.
"Good," replied the sergeant, turning to the paperwork on his desk, "now LaForge wipe that smile off your face and try to convince your partner not to send another bike to the shop."
As both walked hurriedly down the hallway past the briefing and break rooms towards the station exit, the sergeant's intercom crackled, "Riker to S-4."
With a chuckle, Sergeant Picard keyed the microphone on his desk, "S-4, go ahead Commander."
"Sorry to disturb you, sir, but long range sensors have picked up an unknown energy field and it appears to be on an intercept course. I've already changed our heading to bypass it, but it appears to be expanding at a rate such that we won't be able go around it."
"Bring us to a stop, Number One. Let's take a look at what we're up against."
"Aye, sir," Riker replied as he looked to the on-duty helmsman. "All Stop."
"Computer, pause program We'll come finish this after we see what's going on in the real world," Picard said as the computer beeped and all motion outside the office came to a sudden stop. Picard had to laugh as Bear froze right in the middle of sticking his pencil into Grossman's hair. Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, dressed as a CHP motor officer wearing badge number 8712, strode down the hall to Picard.
"There you are," Picard said, "now we just have to get Mister Data. Mister Data, please report to my office inside Central," Picard said to the holodeck's intercom system.
"I'm already on my way, sir," Data's voice responded. Ten seconds later, Data rounded the corner to meet with Picard and LaForge, a white lab coat flowing behind him.
"Let's return to the Enterprise, then, shall we? Computer, exit." The three turned as the holodeck doors opened and exited onto Deck 11 of the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-D. They walked in silence to the nearest turbolift. Picard commanded the lift to the bridge, then turned to brief his officers, "Commander Riker said that some sort of unknown energy field has obstructed our flight path. Mister Data, I want you to run a full sensor sweep and compare the readings to everything in the data banks. Mister LaForge, use the bridge's engineering station to see if you can't figure a way of getting us around the field. I'd like to log and get behind this as quickly as possible. We can't leave that Poncherello fellow down there for too long without him causing trouble."
"Sir," Mister Data started, "how can a frozen holodeck character..."
"It was just an attempt at a joke, Mister Data," Picard sighed as they exited the bridge.
"Ah," he replied as he moved to his position at Ops.
Riker stood from the command chair and moved over to the chair to the right. Picard attempted to sit down but realized his gun belt made it nearly impossible. As he struggled to remove the heavy accessories belt, Riker and the rest of the bridge crew tried to hold their laughter. As he set the belt on his chair-side console, Picard said to Riker, "You know, sometimes I think you make these things up just to get me on the bridge in costume."
As the captain tried to straighten his CHP uniform shirt as he would his command tunic, Riker replied, "Sometimes I wish I were able to make some of these up. What's our next move, er...Sergeant?"
Before Picard could answer, LaForge spoke up, "Sir, I've never seen an energy field of this intensity before. I strongly suggest we back away, or at least do not get any closer."
"Very well, keep investigating, Mister LaForge."
As Geordi turned back to his console, Worf came over and asked, pointing at the blonde baton Geordi had removed from his belt and placed on the console, "What is that?"
"A 'baton,' I believe they called it. It was used for close quarters crowd control."
"A most admirable weapon," Worf replied, "I would liked to have met this Officer Baker."
"Well, you can come with us the next time we...Sir! The energy cloud is moving straight for us, I highly suggest we back away."
"Confirmed," responded Data.
"Helm, back us away at full impulse."
"It's still gaining, sir, it's coming straight for us."
"Get us out of here, maximum warp!"
"Sir," replied LaForge, "it's too late, the warp engines just went off line."
As Picard turned to face his chief engineer, the entire ship rocked sharply and seemed to stand on its side. The red alert siren pierced the suddenly quiet air as every person on the bridge was thrown to the floor. Only Commander Data managed to stay in his seat, however the Ops console was nearly twisted from its mount as the android used all his strength to remain seated. Suddenly, the viewscreen, bridge consoles, and all lights blinked out. The whole ship went silent. Moments later, the emergency lanterns blinked on, giving the bridge an eerie look of gloom. Electrical smoke wafted from one of the science stations that had erupted in sparks. People began to struggle to their feet to help their crewmates.
Riker walked around the bridge to take a head count and asked, "Is everyone all right?" He got mumbles and head nods from all personnel - it seemed no one was seriously injured. He hoped the rest of the crew were also as lucky. He moved to the tactical position to try to reinitialize ship's systems and find out what had just happened.
Picard slowly struggled to his feet and walked over to the navigation console. Data had moved there as his console would not be operable until it could be replaced. "What the devil just happened, Mister Data," the captain asked his science officer.
As Data turned to attempt to bring sensors back on line, the center bridge turbolift door opened. Picard turned to see who had managed to get the lift operating when Officer Frank Poncherello burst onto the bridge.
"Where is he!?" Ponch exclaimed as he strode onto the bridge. He turned to LaForge and said, "Well come on partner, let's go get this guy! Why are you just standing around? Don't worry, Sarge, we'll nab this guy or I'll give up Ding Dongs for life," he said to Picard as he rushed back into the turbolift. He ducked his head out the door just before it shut and looked back to LaForge, "My bike is still in the shop. I'll meet you out front."
As the turbolift swooshed shut, a stunned bridge crew looked to Picard. Riker voiced the question on everyone's mind, "Who was that?"
"That," LaForge answered, "was my partner. Or, ten minutes ago he was a holographic representation of Officer Frank Poncherello of the California Highway Patrol, my partner in the program the captain, Data, and I were running. We left the holodeck program paused, and now, somehow the hologram can walk our decks. What do you think, Data?"
Data tilted his head, as if he were pondering the countless possible scenarios. "Sir, Holodeck One is still operational, even though the rest of the ship is powerless. That fact and what we just witnessed coupled with the strange energy cloud do give merit to Geordi's hypothesis."
"Interesting," replied Picard, "Now we need to find out what it wants with my ship. Mister LaForge, it seems to think that you truly are Officer Baker and his partner. I suggest you follow him and try to figure out what he wants and what's going on. Be cautious, this could be a first contact scenario. Also, we don't yet know if this being is peaceful or not. Take every precaution. The rest of you, try get our systems back on line. Data, go down to engineering and try to get the warp core back on line."
A round of "Aye, sir's" filled the bridge as the crew went to work trying to recover the ship and restore its systems.
LaForge went to the turbolift door, not expecting it to open as all those ship's functions still registered non functional. To his surprise, the doors opened as soon as he stepped in front of the sensors. He looked back at the captain who merely shrugged. Taking a deep breath, LaForge stepped into the lift. As soon as he entered, the doors closed and the car began to move. "I just hope it's taking me to Ponch," he thought to himself.
As he exited the turbolift, Ponch was riding his CHP motorcycle up the ship hallway. "Perfect timing, Jon," he shouted, "Let's go!"
As Geordi watched in disbelief, another CHP motor materialized in the hallway, complete with gold and blue helmet and tan gloves sitting on the handlebars. "Boy am I glad the captain and I ran that program of motor school last week," he thought to himself as he mounted the bike, started it, and headed after Ponch. Working their way around the forward saucer section of Deck 5, LaForge tapped his CHP badge. The communicator embedded inside chirped and he called out, "LaForge to bridge."
"Go ahead Geordi," replied that captain, "are those police sirens I hear?"
"Yes sir," LaForge replied, "Ponch and I are riding our motors around Deck Five. We're approaching section eleven right now. He's got his blinkers and siren on, I've just got my blinkers on. Apparently we're after a criminal of some sort. Hold on, he's stopping at the emergency turbolift."
"Proceed with caution, Mister LaForge, and keep this channel open."
"Aye sir," he responded as he entered the emergency lift. Normally this lift was not active. It served as a main conduit between the bridge on Deck One and the Battle Bridge on Deck Eight. Its only stop was at Deck Five, where all the senior officers had their living quarters.
"We're headed to the Battle Bridge, aren't we?" he asked Ponch as the lifted swiftly dropped the three decks.
"The what? No, man, we're heading to the airport. Slayton is heading for Mexico. We'll never catch him on these motors. We need something faster. You're a better pilot, so you fly and I'll keep my eyes open, ok?"
"Whatever you say, partner. How will we know where to look, though?"
"Just leave that to me, ok," Ponch replied his smile disappearing and a grim look of determination taking over.
When the lift stopped, Ponch strode out and down the hall to the Battle Bridge access door. LaForge walked slowly, trying to come up with a plan.
"John, come on! We've got to get going if we're going to get this guy."
Suddenly, Geordi had an idea. "I'll be right there. I'm just going to call Central and let Sarge know we're going airborne. He can call the border patrol and have some help set up down there just in case."
"Good thinking, but hurry," replied Ponch as he walked onto the bridge.
"Sir," LaForge said, "he just walked into the battle bridge. I'm assuming that since he accessed that door he has full access and command of all ship's functions. It seems like we are looking for someone or something called 'Slayton.' He says he wants me to fly a plane to help him search for Slayton, who appears to be running from us. I'm guessing the 'plane' is the Enterprise. How do you want me to proceed?"
"I really don't think we have much choice but to go along with him at this point. Since it seems he has full command of the ship, he'll probably take us wherever he wants to go regardless. I'd rather not anger him. Geordi, keep going along with him. We won't try to stop you from piloting the ship, yet anyway. Data will look into any references to a Slayton with regards to the real or fictional CHiPs to see if we can't get a lead on what we're up against."
"Aye, sir," Geordi replied as he entered the bridge. Ponch was already sitting in the command chair so LaForge moved to the navigation console.
"We're all set, the border patrol will be waiting in case he slips past us. Which way should we look first?"
"Fantastic. I'm glad Sarge isn't holding that little accident over my head. Let's see. Let's try looking south by south east first. Try an altitude of 3500 feet."
Attempting to translate the directions to spatial coordinates, Geordi brought the ship to a heading of 158 mark 35 at full impulse.
"Come on, man, hit the gas or he'll get away!" said Ponch, soundly slightly agitated.
Hoping that the warp engines that would not respond from the bridge only moments earlier would come on line, Geordi changed the ship's speed to Warp 8. Geordi could only shake his head as the deck plates took on their usual high warp vibration. The ship's propulsion systems seemed to be fully functional. Within minutes, Geordi's console beeped. Sensors had detected three energy fields, similar to what had been detected shortly before "Ponch" had appeared.
He turned to Ponch, trying to use terminology to fit the mid 19'th century, "I think we've found Slayton. It appears they're stopped a few miles ahead of us.
"Great work, partner!" shouted Ponch, jumping to his feet and clapping Geordi on the back. Let's pull up behind them and see what's going down.
Geordi brought the starship to a stop 2000 kilometers behind the energy fields, too close for his comfort, but a distance Ponch seemed to approve of. As soon as the ship came to a stop, all the battle bridge consoles went dark and the lights dimmed. Taking it as a cue to leave, LaForge followed Ponch into the hall back to the turbolift. The pair rode in silence back to the main bridge.
As the doors opened, the bridge crew looked to see the two CHP officers exit. Ponch strode right up to Picard while LaForge went to stand next to Worf at the tactical station. Ponch said to Getraer with a smirk, "Ha! I told you I'd track them down. Not every criminal that gets away from me gets away for good."
Taking his cue to act the part of the uniform he was wearing, and trying to find a way to get the creature off his ship, Picard replied, "Well don't just tell me about it, Frank, get out there and write the cite."
"I'm going right now," Ponch replied indignantly, "just give me a second."
The bridge crew watched as Ponch reached into his right pants pocket, and two silver coins on the bridge replicator console. He pushed the "Enter" key on the device and a package of Ding Dongs materialized. He opened the package, took a bite of one of the cakes and walked to the turbolift door.
As the doors opened, Ponch turned and looked at Picard, "Thanks for letting me get this one, Sarge."
All Picard could say in reply was, "Any time Poncherello, any time."
Without another word, Ponch entered the lift. As the doors closed, all the ships systems came back on line and the main viewscreen flashed on. The crew watched as the three energy fields were joined by another that looked exactly like the one that had initially chased the ship. Then, in a bright flash, all the fields were gone.
Picard turned to Data, "Status, Mister Data."
"All systems nominal, sir. No casualties reported. Our position is exactly as it was before the energy field struck the ship. It appears that the only damaged system is the Ops console. Warp engines are on line and functioning normally. Even Holodeck One is still on line."
"Very well, Data. Shut down the holodeck. I think we've had enough of CHiPs for a while. I'm going to my quarters to change into my uniform and try writing what I'm sure will be a very entertaining log entry."
"Aye sir," Data responded.
As Picard headed towards the turbolift, he overhead Riker asking Data, "What exactly is a 'Ding Dong?"
He turned and cut Data off, "Trust me, Number One, its safer for your stomach if you never find an answer to that question."
"Where No Ding Dong Has Gone Before" ©1999 Ed Van Cise. "CHIPS" and its characters © Metro Goldwyn Mayer, Inc. "Star Trek: The Next Generation" © Paramount Television.All rights reserved.