No! I don't want your crappy product!

By: Jillian

The Situation: So you're walking through the mall, minding your own business when a guy from behind a cart yells to you obnoxiously, "Hi! How are you doing today?!?". You automatically tense up and grit your teeth because you know what's coming next. Like he gives a shit how you are that day.... "Not good.." You reply and you attempt to shuffle on, hoping that he's too lazy to pursue. No. He does exactly that. He comes out from behind his cart of cheap cell phones and comes scampering up to you with a creepy smile plastered to his face. "Aw. Not having a good day huh?" At this point he has already followed you about ten stores down and isn't relenting in his prowl. You walk faster not looking at him. "You know what could make your day better?" *For you to get the fuck away from me and go harass some yuppy that will give in to your bullshit sales pitch.* But if you're like me, you're going to try and not be too rude at first...though you should be. Like he holds the key to happiness in your life. So you ignore and keep walking. "Back at my cart there I have some really nice, really cheap, and really cool cell phones! Their's one for everyone over there. There's all kinds of cool colors and designs!" I wonder if cool is in his pitch when he's dealing with some 47 year old asshole businessman? "Our deals are cheap and long lasting! We have a plan for everyone!" A plan?!? Should you be scared? Charles Manson had a plan too but that didn't make it good.... "Please Miss...Why don't you stop for a moment so I can talk to you." He says this and makes the biggest mistake he could have made. He grabs your arm. You see, this is one time that I had dealt with one of these people where they actually pissed me off more than anyone before. They think that once they have said hello to you that they're automatically your best friend and you must talk to them. So this is what I did about it. Looking down at my arm I started to glare. I look back up at him, showing exactly how pissed he has made me. He lets go, one out of two things accomplished. This is when I said, "You know what, I don't want one of your goddamn cell phones okay. I was hoping you'd get the point when I began walking away from you before..." "I...uh...Miss...I..." He doesn't know what to say for once. "I would have assumed if I were you that that means I am not interested. So fuck you okay. You have no right to touch me. If I was someone else I would fucking hit you in your jaw. Instead I want you to get the hell away from me and never ever talk to me again. When I walk back by later, DO NOT talk to me you got that." He is completely at a loss for words. I can't tell if it was because no one ever said that to him, of if it's because all these angry truths were coming from a girl that's about a foot shorter than him that comes across as innocent. Either way, step two of two has been accomplished. "Miss...I am sorry for disturbing your shopping experience. Sorry for the inconveniance..." He stammers this out, looks at me one more time with a confused expression, and runs back to his cart so he can tell his partner about the bitch he just had to deal with. So you see, just from this one situation it's obvious how these people need to be treated; Badly...very badly...And I was only there to get free food from the place my friend works at...:) Possible scenarios and how to deal with them: Possible situation number one: That bitch with the perfume in that crappy department store. If you're a guy reading this don't think that this cannot happen to you. I've seen it first hand and actually its worse because the sales lady assumes that you're a moron that will buy the most expensive stuff for your girlfriend. Alright, so you're cutting through that huge section just for makeup so that you can get the hell out of that store and all of a sudden.... "Hello. Would you like to try out some of our new scents?" Comes from behind you and you turn around to see some 30 year old woman weilding a big bottle of perfume, aimed right at you. Now, there are three things you can do here. Saying yes will be the biggest mistake you've ever made. But you could possibly gain from it too..... ~Chhhhhh~ She sprays you with her stinky perfume and steps back smiling. Grab your face and start screaming. Crumple to the floor and writhe around like you've never been in more pain. Scream things like, "OW! My eyes! My eyes! I can't see! Please help me!" and "It burns! Ahhhhhhh! Make it stop! My skin is pealing off my face and neck!" These reactions will cause two things to accure. Mayhem and Reimbursment. Though you now smell like a French whore, you are in line for the good treatment. The sales lady freaks out and starts calling for someone to help. Other employees come running over frantically. Costumers walking by all stop to see what happen, not to help mind you, just to get their jollies from someone else's misfortune. So everyone is completely thrown off balance. Potential customers are covering their children's ears and rushing out of the store. You have now created some mayhem. This is when your friends can run off and jack whatever they see fit while the watchful eyes of everyone are on you. or you can get free stuff the legal way. After they take you somewhere to wash your eyes out, make it appearent that you are furious. Say things like, "What kind of aim do you have with that thing?" and "Were you trying to get me in the eyes?! Were you!?" Now they have to do something for you. Something so that their manager doesn't find out, or if the manager's there, something that won't make you complain to the Better Business Bureau. So what you get from this is free clothes, shoes, jewelry, gift certificates, probably some souls if you see fit. Nothing is worse than an accident claim against a store from a customer. Nothing. If you want to screw some business, just make them responsible for an injury that they inflicted on you. Situation number two: Those damn bible thumpers. You think you're safe in your home. Locked away from stupidity other than what's on your T.V. A knock on your door makes you jump...maybe cause you can sense evil... "Hi! How are you today? We're here for your interest this beautiful day!" It's storming outside like mad mind you. "We're here representing the First Church of God and have a great opportunity for you in mind." There's about 100,000 first churches of god....this oughta be good... The kid looks over at his buddy and they nod at eachother, exchanging messages through telepathy it seems...very eerie...Then they continue back and forth. "We have free Bibles here for you that we would be blessed for you to take." They hold up two of them. "Consider this a gift from our church to you. God bless." It may seem that this isn't a sale, but it is. If you take that book from them you're signing your soul over to their church. They will now think they have the right to call you constantly, send you religious propaganda, and call you by your first name while they do it. Fuck them and their church is what I say. But there are a few ways to go about dealing with this.... Take the bible from them and look at it strangely. Look at them with confusion and open the book upside down like you're trying to read it. They'll try to say something else like, "Now if we could get your name and number...(they already know your address)...we would like to continue to share with you the word of God." This is when you put the book in your mouth and start tearing out the pages. Chew them up, spit them out, even swallow them if that's what makes you happy. Either way, those two kids will not know what to do. Continue to eat the book until it's gone and burp in their faces. They will leave, trust me. Another thing to do here is to not take the book. Stare at it when they try to hand it to you and possibly drool. They'll stand there till you take it so now it's your turn to take the initiative. Tell them you worship Satan and that your soul belongs to him. Continue by asking them if they want one of your bibles. When they get offended and say no, say this, "Well, then why would I want one of your bibles then? You don't want one of mine. That's very closeminded of you and I am offended that you think that you are superior to me." That'll get em. They weren't trained for that kind of thing. Only the older salesmen know how to help convert the damned. They get on their bikes and ride off into the rainy day they call beautiful. Lets hope one slips at the bottom of your driveway. One more idea here that calls for you not even having to talk to them. Simply open the door, once they get their speal out about their church shake your head at them grinning and slam the door in their faces. That is the one thing that will truely get your point across without words or weird displays. Last situaton: The telemarketer. Once again you're sitting at your house, relaxing, and the phone rings. You pick it up, possibly hoping it's a friend of yours telling you that there's actually something to do for once. No. Instead its a high pitched woman's voice asking you questions, pronouncing your last name even worse than you would have at age 4. "Hello. Is this the male or female head of the household? Mr or Mrs. Insert last name here but spelled with letters missing and added in" It's easy to deal with this. Just hang up right? Well, maybe you should make sure they won't call you ever again.... Respond with "No." "Hello. Is this the male or female head of the household?" "No." "Is one of them there right now? "No." "When is a better time that I can reach them?" "No." "When?" "No." "Alright well thanks for your time...." "No." and then add, "and make sure to take me off your list. If we recieve another call from your business, there will be a complaint filed soon thereafter." Then laugh hysterically and hang up. Voila! No more calls from them ever again, and if there is, live up to the threat because it does work. An example of something that doesn't work is cussing them out and hanging up on them. You'll hear from them again, just a different marketer. ^_^ So there you have it! Solutions to everday problems all balled up into one editorial. Next time any of these things happen to you, just think of my ideas and use them. They should work...but I take no responsibility for the consequences if everything doesn't go smoothly...hehehe...