 
June 1, 2002
My Dearest Pam,
I sure wish you would send back down that piece of my heart you ripped out
of my chest when you left. You have never hurt me but you sure did this time.
You chose to leave me! I wish you could have seen there where so many other
options. You chose to make my life miserable. I know that was not your
intentions, but you did, you have and there's no going back. You chose
this permanent solution to your temporary problems. I hope you know how much
I miss you. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you felt like this world let you down. I'm sorry you felt there was
no other way. I'm sorry I couldn't make you see. I'm sorry I missed your
phone call on Saturday and never had another change to speak to you because
you took your life early Monday morning, February 26th, 2001. Did you want
to tell me goodbye or did you need me to assure you everything would be okay?
This question will haunt me for the rest of my life. I was your best friend.
I should have been there. We were each others "Bestest Buddies". I should
have known. Just two weeks before, you said you felt good, the best you had
felt in along time. Did that mean you had made up your mind? Were you at
peace with your decision? Questions!! I have plenty of them. Why couldn't
you talk to me about this decision? We always talked about everything.
Why not this? We always worked things out together. Why not this? Can you
please answer me? I'm sorry. I feel like I let you down. God I miss you!!
I'm sorry I'm angry. I never thought anyone could hurt me like this. I have
never felt this kind of pain in my life. It's not even describable. Of all
the things we've been through, I've been through; there is nothing that has or
will ever compare to this pain. Do you know how much I'm hurting? I try to
think of the reason you felt you couldn't stay. I try to imagine what in your
life was so painful that you felt you couldn't live any longer. I try to keep
in my mind that you didn't want to hurt me, you just wanted out of the pain in
your mind. Did you think that the people that loved you would be better off?
Did you think that we could just get over it? How could you have come to that
conclusion? Well you were wrong; I'll never get over this.
My life will never be the same. My children's lives will never be the same.
Amy misses you so much. She doesn't even want to talk about it. She says
you didn't do this. You would not have taken your own life. She believes
someone else did this. I can't make her believe anything else. She loves
you so. She misses her second Mom.
You never were selfish. You gave and gave. You never expected anything in
return. That's another reason I'm finding this so hard to accept. That you
could not have, thought of anyone else in that moment of insanity because
if you had, you would still be here. You were always the strong one, the
go-getter, the determined one. When did you lose that? When did you lose the
sparkle in your eyes? I should have seen it. I'm sorry. I love you. I hope
you knew how much.
Note? Did she leave a note? That's the question I get when I tell one of our
friends that you committed suicide. Yeah you left one. Didn't explain the
reason you felt you couldn't stay. Surely didn't answer any questions. You
did say that you loved me and thanked me for being your friend all these years.
Well you took the remaining years away. We were to grow old together and sit
on the porch in rocking chairs. We always said that all we ever had in life for
sure was (our) children and each other. Remember when we bought the two pigs in
rocking chairs and said that that would be us when we got old. Lol.
I do want to thank you for the years we did have together. For all the long,
long phone calls, all the things you done for me and my children, for always
being there when I needed you, for the beautiful friendship we shared, for all
the beautiful memories we made, for you making it possible for me to say I know
what a true, true friend is because I had the best! I thank you from the deepest
part of my heart and soul. I know in my heart they'll never be another "Bestest
Buddy".
Forever in My Heart & Mind.
Your Bestest Buddy,
Tonya
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