Pullman for President!
Campaign FAQ
Q. Why should I vote for Bill Pullman?
Q. He's an actor though!
Q. Isn't that a terrible way to run a country?
Q. What advantages does Mr. Pullman have over other world leaders?
Q. Can I apply to be a member of the First Family?
Q. Sounds dull. I want scandals!
Q. Can I have the goat's phone number?
Q. Please?
Q. It's not for anything like that...
Q. Surely there are people better qualified to be President?
Q. Why, why, why Delilah?
Q. What is Bill Pullman's defence policy?
Q. What is Mr Pullman's environmental policy?
Q. Does Bill Pullman know about all this?
Q. Aaaaaaaaaargh?. *sound of running footsteps*
Q. Ow! Alright. Um. Bill Pullman - boxers or Y-fronts?
Q. What are Mr. Pullman's views on the Euro?
Q. Ahem. I meant, what are his views on it in general, as part of the worldwide economic situation? Dumbass yourself.
Q. What about the IMF and the World Bank?
Q. Will he kiss babies on the campaign trail?
Q. What are Mr. Pullman's views on taxation and public spending?
Q. What political party is Mr. Pullman affiliated to?
Q. Negated? You mean like 'Night of the Long Knives' or 'St. Valentine's Day Massacre' kind of negated?
Q. Does Mr. Pullman have any policies to mark him out from the crowd?
Q. How can I vote for Bill Pullman?
We hope that you are now a supporter of our campaign: remember we want more, not less, shallowness in politics!
Coming soon, our campaign to make Eddie Izzard Prime Minister of Great Britain! Actually, in fact, just replace the words 'Bill Pullman' in the above with 'Eddie Izzard' and you get the gist of it...
A. It's a well known fact that the power in politics doesn't come from ideas and principles, it's all just spin and PR. The leaders of countries and parties don't have that much power; they just have to look presidential and give compelling speeches. His previous experience as an actor makes Mr Pullman a very well qualified candidate, as can be seen in his highly informative campaign video Independence Day.
A. Ever heard of Ronald Regan? We feel that Mr. Pullman's acting abilities make him ideally suited for the role. Indeed, it is our policy not to inform Mr. Pullman that he is in fact President, but to tell him that he is playing the role of a President.
A. Not with a good enough scriptwriter.
A. Unlike George W. Bush he has no problems eating snack foods, and his scriptwriters will ensure that any glaring gaps in geographical knowledge will be smoothed over. When he accepts the 'role' of President he will be provided with a First family who will not be caught, in the manner of Prime Minister of Britain Tony Blair, passed out drunk in the street from underage drinking. We mean the family, not the PM. Also unlike Gerhardt Schroeder he does not dye his hair (and when this becomes necessary will be done an awful lot better than his.) and unlike Vladimir Putin he has never been a member of the KGB.
A. In your dreams. These are supposed to be respectable people!
A. A reasonable amount of scandal will be unearthed from his college days, but will be pretty much the same as what everyone gets up to. Scandal will be left to the vice president, who we are currently in the process of selecting; on our shortlist are a Satanist, two nymphomaniacs and a goat. The goat may, however, be a clerical error.
A. No! Sod off. Jeez, the sick twisted people you have to deal with on the campaign trail.
A. Go away. I'm calling security.
A. Yeah, and I'm the Queen Mother. Leave. Now. Ah, good, he's gone. Can get back to normal questions.
A. No, there aren't. And don't call me Shirley.
A. I told you, never contact me at work.
A. It is the view of Bill Pullman's campaign team that his personal view on any political matter is irrelevant, although the campaign team would be in favour of seeing him wear a uniform again and give another encouraging speech to the brave men and women protecting the safety of their country.
A. See above answer.
A. No. And if you tell him you're dead. We know where you live.
A. Come back, you pansy! I demand proper questions. Come here!
A. Better questions than that. Boxers, anyway.
A. Since when was the USA a member of the EU, dumbass?
A. Ok, ok. Mr. Pullman operates a 'wait and see' policy on the Euro, and will bring the full economic might of the USA down against anything that threatens her domestic economic situation; similarly the effect of the Euro will be closely monitored with regards to the USA's exports to the EU, and action will be taken should this create an unfavourable balance of trade. Dorkwad.
A. See above answer. Actually, for most policy decisions see above answer, or the one about defence policy. We have plans for an eco-friendly administration, recycling most of our policies.
A. Generally yes, but not really ugly babies. Or ones that look snotty or sticky in any way.
A. Same as everyone else's. We can't discern any major difference between any political parties' policies on taxation and public spending, so we really don't see that the average voter will be able to. Therefore, we will rehash the same old platitudes along the lines of increasing public services and not increasing taxation; the mathematical impossibility of this doesn't bother existing political parties, so we don't see why we should care either.
A. Mr. Pullman is not affiliated to any political party, thus placing him in a unique and advantageous situation; nor is he in the pay of any political pressure group, trades union or mafia. The influence of his fan club will be negated as far as is humanly possible.
A. No. These people are registered voters. But if it comes to that, now that you mention it...
A. Yes; he will lower the drinking age across the USA to 18, so that the founders of this campaign will not have to wait until they are 21 to go on holiday there. The concept of having an alcohol free holiday is just too frightening. Also, this will be a boon for British Universities, where you have to watch your step for US exchange students passed out in the gutter during Freshers' Week, because they've never drunk before.
A. On election day just go to your local polling station and very carefully punch a hole next to where it says 'Bill Pullman' on the ballot paper. Check that this has been done correctly by holding the paper up the light: if you have successfully voted a small circle of light should be visible.