Actors are hired to bring a character to life. But in Brian Gaskill's case, it is the PC character of Rafe who has given him a new lease on life. As the angel who gave up his powers reacquaints himself with human emotion, so does the actor, who after years of building up walls, has begun to knock the down and live life with passion.

In order to understand howhe got to this point, you have to look at the past, but the PC star vows that this is the last time he will talk about it! Although he was not completely aware of it at the time, Gaskill had just about given up on himself when in 1985, he accepted the role of Bobby Warner on ALL MY CHILDREN. Before joining the ABC soap, the green-eyed blonde landed a plum part on Aaron Spelling's primetime MODELS, INC., only to be let go halfway through the season. "I was never happy there," he reveals. "I think I wore that on my sleeve --- maybe a self-fulfilling prophecy. But what happened, happened. I have no hard feelings toward Aaron Spelling."

He moved to New York to start a theater company, and soon after, his agent told him about the role on AMC. He didn't think the part was right for him --- for one thing, he was 25 years old and Bobby was still in high school --- but took it anyway. "I had lost faith in myself and in what I wanted to do with my life," he admits. "AMC seemed like a safe place." And for the next two years, it was.

What followed were a few guest spots on shows like CLUELESS and DIAGNOSIS MURDER and some big disappointments. He was cast in a pilot, but lost the part before filming began. Then when he landed what looked to be a breakout role in an independent film, but was replaced when financiers felt they needed "a name."

The 32-year-old fell into a depression, but ultimately decided to put things in a more positive perspective. "I felt amazing that I even got cast in that role. Sure, I was angry, but that brought me to life. Then PORT CHARLES came along ... and it's just been a gift."

If circumstances were different, it might have been a gift that the New Jersey native didn't open. "I had some hard times. The fact is, I needed a job," he admits. "But the blessing is that I have found a character that has brought me to life. It has opened me up as an actor and as a person in ways that I never expected. It's been a little bit of back and forth between me and Rafe. I'm bringing to Rafe, but Rafe is giving to me. That's where I'm at. Sort of a coming of age a little late."

Like his character, Gaskill has taken to writing in a journal. It's something he used to enjoy, but it became increasingly difficult as he began to shut himself off emotionally. "For years, I didn't write, because if I did, I would have to speak the truth, and I was afraid of a lot of truths about my past."

Brian at age 3 and with his mom at age 7.

No longer afraid, Gaskill has come to terms with a painful part of his childhood. His parents divorced when he was seven years old. His mom remarried and his stepfather adopted him. "The obvious thing that I was angry at my father," he says, "but I realized this year that I put up these walls because I didn't want to do anything to disappoint my mother. I had an irrational fear that she would leave."

After years of making small talk with his mother about the weather and the movies they'd seen, last December, Gaskill found himself on a pay phone on Los Angeles' Ventura Boulevard, a healing time."

Having confronted the demons from his past, Gaskill knew it was time to deal with the present and future. It is with difficulty that he tells of the end of a relationship --- with his girlfriend of seven years. "It hurts all around," he says. "But good will come out of it on both sides. It's not like I'm happy we broke up --- it's just a different time in my life.

As this new chapter unfolds, the sensitive star is determined to live life to the fullest. "I have been daydreaming all my life," he says, "but I have hit a wall. I can't continue to dream. I have to go out there and see what happens. So right now, I'm just beginning --- me and Rafe both."

All article images and writings are courtesy of SID, SOW, SOD and SOU.